5: The Angry Meltdown

Technically, it was my second meltdown two Fridays in a row.

I say I have brain damage from my closed head injury in December.  The King of Athletics of the Central Highlands (aka hot husband Tom) says I'm insane.

He'll also tell you that in the past 17 years, he's only seen anger from me like the past two Friday's maybe a dozen times.  So two in a week's time - I must be certifiably nuts.

I'm nuts?  Who is doing nutty things with 125lb dumbbells?

Or brain damaged.

I do notice a difference in the way I process things, and that somethings still don't function as they used to.  I say I have a "Soundtrack Mind" - there are always several different tracks playing at any given time, plus what is going on around me.  Lately, I can't seem to block out the surface noise around me like I used to - and a conversation in a crowded room has become difficult.  I have always felt closest to God while experiencing nature - so perhaps that is why hikes have appealed to me so; I am hoping for a healing neurologically, and perhaps spiritually as well.  My breakdown on Friday certainly revealed more than I bargained for.

While I didn't go to boot camp until 8am, I was still tired from an exhausting week.  Even though I had only hiked 11 miles and had 4 hours of boot camp under my belt, I was feeling it in little ways neurologically - and that surprised me.  My response time was off, I was switching up words.  I even found Vikings Thursday night to be uninspiring, except for King Ecbert speaking Old English.

Because Old English is freakin' hot.

"Ic willa neom beon forlor."

That, and I want to dress like Lagertha.  Since I'm 1/4 Danish, it must come righteously, eh?

I admit it; I'm obsessed with these earrings.

So Friday morning, my head is full of the fact that I need pictures for my column, as I have been remiss in taking them earlier in the week.  Everyone is open to the idea, and I get a few general shots.

I made sure everyone looked good in this one.

Today is circuit training, and it's all about the Crazy 8's.  I immediately perk up at the mention of my favorite number.  Having been born on August 8th, and then having your baby sister born 8 years, 8 days, 8 hours and 48 minutes later is pretty wicked, and 8 thus becomes your most favorite number for life.  I'm not quite convinced that my late husband wasn't somehow cursed because we failed to marry on a day with an 8 in it (5/15/93 had the 5's, but it wasn't an 8.  I wonder if we had married a week earlier on May 8th if we couldn't have avoided his death.  I married the King of Athletics on 4/18/98, thus assuring his survival.)

Unfortunately, despite my husband's recent assertions that I was crazy, and the prominence of the number 8, Crazy 8's was circuit training with 8 reps per set. I enjoyed a few of the stations, revealing in my stronger muscles, and hated others as they exposed how very weak I was.  On my fourth circuit I struggled to hold a plank position on two medicine balls for more than 10 seconds, in my mind I tried to will myself beyond what my body said it was capable of.  Inside, I could hear my mind getting forceful - telling myself that I could do this - when the little voice that is truly me said - "I hate this.  I hate pushing through.  I hate not having what I want when I want it.  I hate going without, and I hate the pain of trying."  I crumpled to my knees, in tears.

At least I still had all my limbs.

My friend Kristen, seeing my distress, came rushing over.  Sgt. Steve made sure I wasn't hurt physically, and tactfully let my friend handle my mini meltdown.  Fitness is the state of being healthy - both physically and mentally.  It seems some of the physical had brought out an emotional area of distress.  Kristen and I walked a lap, and I talked out what I knew was truly bothering me.

My hatred of exercise was a symptom of more than just my lifelong breathlessness - it was tied into the fact that I gave up when I said I no longer wanted to do something.  It was tied to regrets of letting go too soon, and not pushing through ideas and projects to the end, often in the face of opposition.  Sgt. Steve came over, and I briefed him lightly on my tears.  He assured me I should just walk laps (we were 4 minutes from finishing!  I had almost made it!) and that I had made incredible strides through the week.  Kristen promised me a slap whenever I needed one, and I headed out the door for the last time, and on to another hike.

This, my friends, is a Lockheed Constellation aircraft.

Kinda ugly for a big bird, isn't she?

This is my favorite airplane of all time:

The Flying Fortress.

I mention this because being a plane nut is a nuttiness I'll gladly ascribe to.  So imagine when I discover that the Constellation trail is named after a plane that crashed there 56 years ago!!!!  I was so geeked I had to go seek it out immediately, and Friday's hike was to that very spot.

For the first time, Becky & Dotty both joined me.

Dotty, in the classic "we live here!" photo.

Becky showing off the rocks.

I found myself trailing behind my friends, unable to keep up but happy to meander a bit behind.  My thoughts were on nobility, sacrifice and ultimately, making money.

Sorry about the booty shot, Becks.

40 paces behind was my standard for the week.

We started to talk about offering tours among the rocks, and starting a business this summer.  It made sense that in sharing something we loved, we could naturally charge others to go with us.  I expanded the idea further, thinking of the Prescott eNews, why not take politicians on hikes?  In my experience, people talked a lot about themselves, and shared more freely on the trail.  Trail interviews could be highly informative, and entertaining to boot.

Why yes, that is an Extreme Flagstaff black t-shirt I am wearing.

The hike was over too soon, and we promised to hike together the following Thursday.  Having hiking partners has made all the difference in my Fitness Quest, and wouldn't be possible without them.

I got home early, and enjoyed yet another shower of bliss.  Sitting down to write; I reflected on the past two and a half weeks.  The Fitness Quest was more than I bargained for, but the possibilities were endless.  I still wasn't engaged, but I knew that it could be a real game changer, in more ways than one.  Join me on my journey to fitness - to be healthy both physically and emotionally.  I guarantee it will be one fantastic ride.