Black and White

Some days, there's a blog just itching to get out.

 I was pretty happy here.

Other days?

 It seemed a wee cold to hike.  I mean run.  Whatever.

Friday was a mess.  It ended a messy week, and the only good thing was the Symphony with Booms.

 You know you're fabulous friends when his pocket square matches your dress.

It was a perfect way to get into the holiday spirit-music from all genres and even a singalong.  We sat in the balcony for the first time, and I decided I preferred that location for the ease of getting in and out.  The discovery of the Phoenix Symphony was the best thing to happen to me in 2016, as it's only delighted me and never let me down.

Exercise.  Why does it let me down?

Saturday I could not pass up the chance to run in Phoenix, and returned to Dreamy Draw and the Trail 100.  It was a great run/hike, and the Air Monster was manageable.

 Love Arizona.

I managed a further distance this time, and managed to stay upright-a massive improvement!

 Didn't run this...

 But I did run this:)

So while I finished my 3+ miles in less than an hour and took time for photos and thoroughly enjoyed myself (I knew I had more in me when I got back to the car), Sunday was a decidedly different story.

 That's it. Sun behind the mountain.  I had checked the sunset before leaving.  I forgot about the mountain base I run at.

My run/hike started with me not wanting to go, but I did better than the prior week.  My gait is terribly off on the flats-I have no freaking clue how to land-and the lower calf cramps returned.  I sat and reviewed my options, drank more water, and noted my much higher water consumption due to trying to stave off the Air Monster.  I also noted my Jesus music was not working as effectively, and figured like with Vicodin, the music may have lost its initial effectiveness quickly with repeat play.

So I switched it up to Divenire.

 Brahms. And others.  Dang it.

345 is my joy.  I was easily able to conqueror it, as I can trail run.  Flats, no.  Rocks, yes.

As I ran, I had the strangest thing occur....the music truly gave me chills, and matched the terrain.  My focus was only on picking up my feet and watching my speed-I had fallen here before-when I clearly heard "you got this, Katie" from my left side.

I actually turned to see if he was there.

He was not.

I kept running, pounding out the path.  I knew if I breathed I'd trigger an Air Monster attack; the sun had slipped behind the mountain and the air had cooled considerably.  I heard the voice a second time.

"I'm proud of you.  Keep going."

This time I stopped, and spun around while gasping for air.  It was the crying that triggered the attack in the end, as I sat on a rock and struggled to get out the inhaler.

Why did it have to be so hard?  Why couldn't my lungs adapt like everyone else's?  Why was I alone in my quest...and heard so clearly his voice?

My sobbing subsided, and I thought of the unopened prescription of Zoloft at home.  It wasn't going to help me breathe.  I needed air before I needed a mental boost.

I also knew he had been there.

Twenty-one years ago right now he was dying.  We thought he was getting better, but he wasn't.  The anger he spewed at me daily should have been the tip off the tumor had returned, but at eight months pregnant, my thoughts were elsewhere.

Now my thoughts drifted to our courtship, and long ago hikes with Pepper.  Of frustrating days on the golf course, and him cheering me on.

Before the tumor, and cancer obliterating our future.

My Knight.

I dried my eyes and again assessed my situation.  I was wheezing, and I had no clue what I was supposed to do after using the rescue inhaler.  Could I resume exercise?  I figured I better not, and started the long walk back to the trailhead.  It was cold as I was in shadows, and I quickly put my hoodie back on.  With no music or need to focus, I pulled out my phone and dialed up a friend.

 I lost a bet, and this is what I have to wear....

As always, I felt better.  Was it the conversation or the run, I didn't know or care.  I was happy to be heading home, and glad exercise was over.

In many areas of my life, I enjoy shades of grey (although mixed with scarlet will be a stretch.)  I like being an outlier, and know my future career will draw on that.

But I'd love a little black and white right now.  Knowing what was the right thing to do...especially with my health.

 Well, in other things, too.

Instead, this murkiness is my life.  It's not bad.  It could be on the path to amazing.

I have hope that it is.