Yesterday my ex told me that the woman he is seeing (he refers to her as “Her”) is no longer in contention to be his girlfriend as she has begun talking about being a couple, and someday getting married.
Whoa.
My heart bled for this woman, who has obviously fallen for my ex-husband (it’s easy to do, he can be very charming!) She is just like us: she simply wants to find the one with whom she’ll spend the rest of her life. I asked him to PLEASE be honest with her and not drag her along (the empathy I feel for Her is amazing) and then sat back....and thought about what advice I’d give Her, who is 41, successful and was unable to have children (and thus an ideal candidate as a stepmother according to my children, who are 16, 17 & 22.)
Dear Her,
I’m actually delighted to know my ex can still be charming with a woman. I remember those days I fell in love with him; how attentive and sexy he was. I fell fast and so did he; in hindsight I would have done things differently. Now having met my match in my fiancé, I truly know for the first time how good a relationship can be. My deepest wish is my ex will find his match; my children would benefit highly from both parents being happy in love. So my advice to you?
Be patient. Ohhhhhhhhh I know you can see the future. We always can!!! We know when it’s right and it just clicks. We know when the chemistry is good. We know when we “get them”-especially now, when we are older and more mature. But put on the brakes!! Be patient!!!
I hate waiting. I hate being patient. But men? Men don’t see things as we do, especially after they’ve been burned before. While we see a happy future, they only see the ruined past. While we think we are sharing our heart with our words, all they are hearing is pressure. Close your mouth, and set your heart to be patient. If he’s truly your future, he will let you know much sooner if you are quiet about it. Let him be the first to tell you he loves you, even though you’ve shown him through your actions you love him. Don’t pressure him by bugging him for dates, don’t constantly be texting for attention. Be interested, and be present...but don’t chase! Chasing traps a man-it’s not how they are wired! Be patient, be present, be interested. But don’t share how you feel-show it.
Show them you’re interested and see a future by respecting his work schedule, & honoring his time with his kids and enjoying him thoroughly when you’re together. Learn about him: what foods he likes, his favorite activities. Then make that meal and plan that activity. You are showing through actions you listened to him-and every man who is divorced believes his wife not listening is why they divorced (whether true or not!)
Once they fall? They fall hard. You’ve been given them the proof they need that you’re different: you’ve used actions to show who you are. You’ve not pressured them, you’ve not talked them into it. You were simply you, being your best because you saw a potential future with him. What’s wonderful about this method?
You’ll quickly know if he’s not for you. If he doesn’t fall for you-that means he doesn’t see your love. If he doesn’t see it now, he never will. While it may break your heart, walking away from a man who did not return action with action will save you a life of misery. When you are truly a match, he will return your actions and affections naturally.
“At our age, it should be easy,” my fiancé is fond of saying. He was 48 and I was 45 when we met a year ago in January. On our second date he told me upfront not to pressure him; it was the best advice any man had ever given me. Determined to prove I wasn’t like other women, I heeded that advice...and showed him how I was different. This allowed a foundation of true friendship to form first; I didn’t pressure him for love. (In fact, he was so determined we’d be friends first he would only kiss me-his hands firmly planted on my hips!!) Over the next three months we got to know one another; discovering we had much in common and shared several passions. The first night I cooked him dinner, three months after our first date, was the night things changed. Yes, I’m a good cook (I made tacos that are truly scrumptious) but I also gifted him a handmade genealogy chart after we had spoken earlier about an ancestor he was curious about. As I explained the chart, I saw the walls fall...I knew from the look on his face he was falling in love with me (and that was confirmed as we stood by his Jeep and kissed goodbye...his hands slid off my hips for the first time!) We said our “I love you’s” a few weeks later, and became engaged on the first anniversary of our first date (8 months after becoming a couple.) We will marry this summer, up in the pines:)
This morning I commented on how I cannot wait to be his wife; he kissed my forehead and responded it was his fondest wish. I chuckled, remembering a day not so long ago when I would have worried such a statement might be perceived as pressure. Being mindful not to pressure him had become a healthy habit; it helped me to see him first, and me second. He has returned those affections in plenty: he puts my needs first, and his second. To be so matched and so in love is more than I ever dreamed...and I might have missed this all had I not heeded his advice.
No pressure. Be patient.
He even told me then that when he was in, he was all in. (Indeed, he was true to his word.) I remember thinking at the time I needed to listen carefully to what he was saying, and knew intuitively he’d been hurt. He also shared how his volunteer work took up a lot of his spare time, and while many thought it noble, they tired of it when they saw the scope of his commitment. Me? I simply joined him in it-the first indication he had I wasn’t like others. I respected his life as it was...and yes, it has changed. By his choice, not by mine. Simply loving him and not pressuring him has produced the best in both of us.
So, dearest Her, who thinks she is falling in love with my ex: give him time. Show him what your love is, don’t just tell him. In hindsight, he never understood the love I showed him...and I never understood his. This would have easily cropped up when we were dating, had we not gotten engaged in a fit of passion three weeks after we met, and married four months later. While I do not regret marrying; it was hard, very hard to make work. We weren’t a match.
Be patient.
No pressure.
Show love, don’t just say it.
If he falls for you then? My guess is it’s the real deal.
And ladies? That’s what you deserve!
No comments:
Post a Comment