Work Hard Play Hard

I’ve done 10-30 lunges per leg, and 10-30 squats everyday since my last blog. I also added in 15 second wall-sits.

I cannot move after my three sets of ten this morning🤪

Let’s be real though, it’s really barely exercise. I have to hang on to stuff to not topple over. I don’t execute the lunges to even half way. My seconds on the wall counting are *not* punctuated by the word “Mississippi” between numbers.  This morning I’m totally out of breath, and practicing rescue breathing so the lovely Air Monster does not produce a VCD attack.  Menopause hit me hard, and I constantly feel inflamed. Weight isn’t budging, the hot flashes are insane when my herbal remedies are off.

Being 51 is not fun, and I’m the only one who can change that.  This year, my autumn vow challenges me to do that, and so much more.

Early on when I met the Buckeye in 2017, I began vowing things to him. At first, it was a knee-jerk response to his insistence I was “like other women.” 

Them be fighting words….😂

Anyhow, my first two vows were generalized ones, that applied to any relationship. I added two more after we were a couple, as I learned more about him. Those four became my wedding vows.

I should have done a navy lace up. Everytime I look at these photos, that’s what I think.

Then he almost died, and suffered a brain injury in which he largely forgot our relationship.  He was no longer the man I married; at our one year anniversary, I had to decide to stay or go.

I chose to stay, and made that a vow I repeated in front of my friends.

It has not been easy. While I remember who the Buckeye was, and what we shared, he still does not. For him, our relationship largely began after his injury-although occasionally a fleeting memory of those halcyon days pops up. Imagine if you will, waking up from an accident to a person who is madly in love with you…who you recognize, but don’t don’t feel anything for. I actually understand this phenomenon, as it happened to me after my TBI. I looked at my children, my husband and family and felt nothing. My neurologist told me the feelings would return…and they did for my children. But not for my husband, or for my dogs. So to vow to stay with a man who had a much more severe TBI? I knew it would be rough.

But there was hope. Moments of clarity. The ease of daily life - we do love to live the exact same way (minus college football teams.) The flicker of remembrance, the new memories being made.  Yesterday I found the scribbled notes I took on a road trip to California, in early January 2020. It was my initial idea for our now thriving company.  The continual joy we have in our mutual successes are very reassuring; my hope has become rebellious. 

I’ve made him two more vows, always on our anniversary, and always after much prayer. There have been many times I think I can’t continue; TBI’s are terribly unpredictable. Yet through the years I have learned this:  I am capable of much. I can handle more than I thought. I can also grow.  This past month I’ve realized that my vows to him have changed me into a much better person; one who has grown and matured in a positive way. It’s no longer just about him; it’s more about us, and each other individually.

We both admit we prefer us, over all other options.

I know my vow for this year; it came to me on a bike ride back in May. The Buckeye knows it, too; it’s already challenging both of us as we realize it’s much more than we thought it to be on its surface. 

Work hard, play hard.

I adore my husband. I can honestly say I have never loved a man the way I love the Buckeye. Whether he remembers our courtship doesn’t really matter-as I remember it. The depth of healing his unconditional love brought to me I will never forget, nor displace. He earned my unconditional love through some pretty rough waters, in which his patience, faith and wisdom brought me to a place of good mental and spiritual health. This past year, my vow to extend grace taught me so much - and rebuilt some of my lost self esteem.  It is with these new lessons in mind that I realize this new vow is not simply about working the business hard and taking more time off.

It’s about working hard on our relationship. It’s about working hard on our individual health issues. It’s about working hard on our joint diet, of how and what we eat. 

But the play hard?? 

Lol, we have that one figured out, and it’s not only vacationing.

Although being able to vacation again has been pretty wonderful after a three year hiatus!

As I work to develop to habit to do this little workout every morning, I’m also working to notice bad habits that need breaking.  Bad habits that created problems in our relationship; habits that may have brought temporary peace but damaged the heart. It’s not easy admitting you actually create environments for behavior that hurt - and it’s a challenging part of  “work hard.”

That said, the results of my prior vows encourages me to continue to have rebellious hope.

And I get to be a biker chic while doing it!