Scabbing Over

I can smell eggs cooking; the Buckeye is making his breakfast.

Seven years officially as a couple!!

lol, which means this blog is 9 years old?

And I’ve struggled with weight and exercise and health for nearly a decade.

January 2014.  I still miss those shoes.  One of the dogs ate one in 2015 and it still bothers me when I look for a pair of black flats!

In 2014, the company I had contracted for nearly a dozen years slowly went under. I think the slow demise took a harder toll…and the decision to close I had no control over. The emotional strain that declining finances took, trying to stay motivated but seeing the signs…it was a lot.  The Knight added to the angst; our marriage had been rocky since my sister’s suicide 6 years before.  The head injury, and closure of the company the same week, really brought to head multiple problems.  After our divorce, my ability to eat anything I did with glee-with consequences of weight gain. I justified buying one size larger…knowing I was breaking a cardinal rule.

Never buy the next size up.  Cut back for a week or two instead.

Next thing you know, it’s a decade later and you need to lose 40lbs.

Thank God I still have a waist.

My trigger point was 200.00 on the scale.  The last week, it’s been 189.  It’s not budging, despite having less than 1000 calories a day, but I’m not discouraged.

I’m getting healthy.

So much of the last 10 years has been a roller coaster of emotions. The breakdown of my marriage, the divorce. Then being single; the worst experience of my life. Then the joys of falling in love, and finding the person I wanted to do the rest of my life with. Getting married, and him immediately losing his job; followed by the horrors of his brain injury. Rebranding a company during the middle of a pandemic, and the hard, hard work a start up for the last four years.

Today marks one month since hiring RCO, and I feel as if I am emerging from a fog:  I have help. The Buckeye has completely stepped back from the business. It’s as if the heavens have opened, and angels have begun to sing.

God is good.  

He is more than good, and I am astounded by what He has worked in me.

Driving to the airport to pick up the princess on Sunday night, a song came on that I like…but don’t like.

Hold my Hand, by Lady Gaga.

And in that moment, it took on a new meaning, as often a song does.  I knew I was firmly in God’s right hand…and I saw a new future I hadn’t imagined before.

Yesterday, I had a meeting with an advisor as I prepare for a pitch competition in August, competing for $10,000 in a statewide competition. I had won the regional competition in March, after nearly canceling appearing and literally walking in cold.

That day in March reawakened much, and as spring has worn on, I can feel the old wounds finally healing.

I’m not bleeding anymore.

I’m finally scabbing over.

That really seems like something to celebrate, doesn’t it?!

After I rid myself of the sickening extra 10lbs I had put on this past winter, I discovered I might actually want to cook again.  

Let’s just say while this meme is 100% facts, it’s also a fact I hate cooking.  A lot.

Yet yesterday I whipped up two healthy dishes, and enjoyed two tasty meals and easily stayed under 1000 calories and honestly don’t care if I lost weight.

Because I’m getting healthy instead.

I’m changing habits, and exercise will eventually come.

And the weight will come off.

How do I know? 

I have peace.

And almost as importantly, hope.

I’ve made it.  It is now.

And I know it without a doubt.

I’m healing…and soon will be fully healed.  The scab will disappear, and there may not be a trace of the past.  Even if there is, this season of change is behind me.  I’m holding God’s right hand.  And that’s more than enough for me.

Jimmy Johns Number Nine

I want one so badly.

Only 949 calories for the entire thing!

Surely I could cut one in half, and eat half today and half tomorrow, right?

I’m 20 days in to my diet and yesterday I gave myself permission to get Jimmy John’s. It had been a momentous day, as I became CEO of my company.  That wasn’t the original plan, so celebrating with a cheat day would be fine, right?

Instead I had a half pound of broccoli, chicken and some other stuff that took a long time to eat.  My reward was slowly enjoying my ashwaganda gummies (twenty minutes of thinking you’re having candy) and 28 almonds.

DID YOU KNOW?!? I DID NOT KNOW!!!

Tomorrow starts actual cooking for meals, as the Buckeye and I depart from our ready made meals.  They were a lifesaver the past few months, but didn’t bring much joy. 

Not that a half a pound of broccoli brings joy either…

He still brings me tremendous joy❤️

The Buckeye has joined me in the diet journey. He’s ten days in, just ten days behind me. He’s also lost 8lbs to my 11lbs, while eating significantly more.

Which is actually discouraging.

Candles are very encouraging, however!

So it’s tomorrow now, and we are officially three weeks into my diet. I weigh 188.8, 11.1lbs lost.

And I’m changing it up.

I’ve been looking at my macros, and I’m heavily missing protein.  So you know what I did?

I convinced the Buckeye we should split a Jimmy John’s number nine.

Since today was a very, very good day. The Princess’ Marine boyfriend returned home from a six month deployment.  

But first! I made zucchini.

I’ve got a lot of scientific study running around in my mind. One of the things I’m cognizant of is glucose spikes, and how eating veggies first helps with that. Since I plan on eating bread for the first time in three weeks, I wanted veggies first.

The zucchini was incredible.

It was two hours letter I wanted my long awaited, often scarfed, Jimmy John’s Number 9. I cut it in half and took the slightly bigger half. Settling in, I took a bite.

And could immediately taste the preservatives in the bread.

So is thinking you can go back to eating junk food when you’ve literally eaten clean for three solid weeks.

Sigh.

The longed for, anticipated with great glee, Jimmy John’s number nine was not as I remembered it.

It is why I am switching things up a little though. I know I have to add exercise 🤮 and I will get there. But can I switch to 5/2, and keep my calories under 1200 5 days a week, and do the 500 twice? I’m at the point I should only be losing 1-2 lbs a week. I got the extra awful off…is it ok to switch and focus on food order and still being careful?

I also wonder, how honest was I about calorie consumption? (I never was before, lol!)

I managed to put on a Top Gun shirt on Top Gun Day without remembering what day it was. I am smart sometimes.

So. Three weeks in.

Modifying it a wee bit, to make it less discouraging, and more healthy.

These two had six months of working through a deployment, managing expectations and reducing disappointments. Very, very proud of the good and healthy choices they made.

I recently read that being post menopausal-WHICH I NOW OFFICIALLY AM, SO EXCITED-is the time to realize you need to do some self care to have a healthy rest of your life.  It started getting rid of the extra I’d just put on.  Now let’s modify so we can go long term.

The end result is worth it.

Sauces

Ten pounds down, two weeks after I began.

Don’t I look great? 😂😂😂😂 (bold glamour, folks)

You know, I keep waiting for the filter that will smooth out our neck! (My total age giveaway!)

Ten pounds. GONE.  Which leaves me right where I was when I began binge eating Nutty Buddies earlier this year.  188lb  has been my standard pretty much since my Dad died and menopause hit, so at least all my clothes fit again.

But we are not stopping.

We have expectations to meet.

I have to look this good.

The Commander’s wedding planning is in full swing, and my diet had its first real test as we went to the venue to shore up plans.

Yep, she my daughter and loves history.

I ate THREE meals in a row at restaurants-a dinner, a breakfast and a lunch.

Longtime friends are the best!

I can home .2lbs lighter.

Sheer willpower to curb my calories is driving this early loss…but I know I need to add to it.

The dreaded Air Monster has been biting at the chomp, ready to make life difficult as I prepare to add in the dreaded E word.

Oh how I hate it. 

But I love our new fire truck! 🐿️ 

Yoga mat has been ordered, and I’ve reread stretching blogs. Perhaps we start there.  Or maybe we don’t.

My last visits to a gym resulted in six months of constant UTI’s. Even if they had cool massage chairs, that sealed the deal on not going back.

The one thing I am certain of, I must start moving. I must start strengthening. I must develop good, SUSTAINABLE habits.

It’s a matter of willpower.

Or a puzzle 😎

Slowly easing back into this life. A life that puts health as a priority.  That secret sauce.

Why haven’t I blogged in so long? It’s not just the lack of exercise. It’s been the lack of time, the demands of a new business and a brain-injured spouse. It’s been the rejection of the medical field and the sheer hardness of life. Exercise has rarely made me feel better.

Nutty Buddies general do.

Or a Jimmy John’s #9.  Gonna figure out how to have that in my diet🥳

But was had made me feel better is shedding those ten pounds. I am remembering two years ago right now, when I dipped into the 160’s for like two weeks before my Daddy died.  

And I wore these skinny’s. 

And I felt really good. 

So, I’m heading to the original goal: 153lb. My weight should be between 145-161lb and I thoroughly agree with that being the standard once I get there.

There’s no excuses to be shared. It simply has to be what I want.

The time is now.

And I will achieve it before I walk that bridge.

Erased

Last year, I blogged upon returning from Europe.

None of the pictures posted - just holes with a blue icon, showing that something should be there that wasn’t.  I recently replaced the arrows with the pictures, since I had rather helpfully captioned them.  The only issue?  The date of May 2023 was erased.

I haven’t blogged regularly in years, but that changes today. The Fitness Quest is back with a vengeance, and I’m already one week in.

You see, I have weight to erase.

Lots of weight. 🤩

Ohhhh I’m chunky.

SO, basically the last time I was in the 160’s was a brief encounter in May 2022, right before my Daddy died.

Ignore the other girls 🤪

Ideally, 153 is the goal, because that was the weight I wanted back in 2015, when I started the blog.  Daddy died, and that night I ate an entire bag of chips…not thinking grief would trigger a change.

It did.

I miss my Daddy terribly.

Lo and behold, I enter menopause two months later. Vicious hot flashes and incessant night sweats wrecked havoc with my body. Exercise did nothing to help me, and my weight slowly crept up.  I landed at 188, maintaining that weight despite bursts of extended exercise.

I walked over 100 miles in Europe and LOST NOT A POUND.

I returned home very discouraged and disappointed with my weight; the trip was intended to kickstart loosing weight. (Losing weight! Gotta start remembering that again. 🥳)

Menopause was still kicking my butt, and as I researched possible remedies I was bombarded with the same message: CANT LOSE WEIGHT DUE TO HORMONES?!? 

And I believed them, since mine were actively trying to incinerate me.

I’ve started to look my Nana.

It didn’t help that we had the hottest summer on record in Phoenix, and we had to sit tight as we were limited by summer heat.  It broke, as always, but I had a ton of work to do - we were behind, imho.

And I was very very consumed with how much work we had to do.

So my weight was the FURTHEST THING FROM MY MIND…and I maintained the same 188lbs.

And I was still seeing ads that the inability to lose weight wasn’t my fault (and if I just took their supplements🥸).

But then it happened:

The Commander got engaged on Christmas Eve!!!

So there’s a wedding in October 2024…just 10 months away!!

I still did nothing.

Well, I did do stuff. Like head back to NYC to see Rocky.

But I didn’t even consider losing weight.

I looked at Mother of the Bride dresses…and decided this was the one I wanted:

With those shoes.

And I convinced myself I’d be ok in a large Preen Finella dress (if I could find one, still looking) as let’s be honest. My weight is mostly in my thighs, and you can hide those in a big skirt.

Except.

I also had, for the first time except for pregnancy, belly fat.

And I hated how I felt.

I’m not certain I ever got used to feeling flabby-it bothered me all the time. But the stresses of building a fantastic business, which has now brought in $1.2 MILLION dollars in revenue, has been intense.

But last year’s photo is pretty happy. We are succeeding in building something amazing.

So the “plan” was to join the Buckeye in a diet study he was volunteering for. Two years in a dietitian lead clinical trial.  We agreed to tackle the vegetarian keto menu with gusto, and ate copious amounts of Little Debbie Nutty Buddy’s in the meantime. I often rewarded my hard work with my beloved chips, and I suspected my weight had entered the danger zone.

Still madly in love with this guy!  Seven years this month!

Unfortunately for us, he landed in the control group-meaning they hand him the plan and say see you in two years.

We are ollllllllllld.

So, we didn’t do anything😂😂😂

And continued to ask each other if we’d like a Nutty Buddy. (We always said yes and grinned with glee!)

As I looked at dresses, I also realized that in late June I may want to look thinner than I was, due to a potential work commitment.

And then I was rear ended, and got a concussion.

Yes folks, I hit my head, again.

Me at my warning weight.

And in the ER, when they asked my weight, I lied through my teeth and said 190lbs.  And at the doctor the following week when they asked me to get on the scale, I declined.

Eight days ago, I found the scale in our spare bathroom and nervously got on it.  

200.00

And that was it.

Weight that much was never something I wanted to do.

Sooooooooo

Fast 800.

I actually didn’t know I was doing it until last night; my panicked brain at seeing that number just quickly put together a plan that happened to be scientifically proven (which means I must have read about it at some point in the Daily Mail.😂)

I pulled out the calorie counting app and dialed in a goal weight of 153 by October for the wedding, and it said I could only consume 932 calories a day.

That honestly seemed reasonable…I’m a natural faster.  I figured I’d throw in a few 500 calorie days a la 5/2; unwittingly I am actually doing the fast 800.

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE HORMONES?!?

So here’s the deal….i know of several who are on semiglutide (Ozempic).  They range in age from 40-65.  All of them have lost significant weight.

So I did a little research and discovered these shots make you feel full very quickly, and you eat less.

THEY WORK BECAUSE YOU LIMIT YOUR CALORIE INTAKE.

I also clearly remembered a study in the Lancet that the best way for people to lose weight was simply to stick to 800 or less calories a day. That it was proven to reverse type two diabetes.

I don’t have diabetes.  I just love chips.

I decided that it all came down to willpower, and nothing else.  Being honest, I knew everytime I’ve recorded calories, I cheated on portion size.  And in all truth, I’ve never, ever, tried consistently to cut calories long term.  The shots trick your brain into thinking you’ve eaten more.  Why couldn’t I just tell my brain to stuff it?

And so it began, one week ago.  

And I’ve lost 5.6 pounds.

194.4.

Time to erase the unnecessary weight, get my health straightened out and get going. I’ve got a national company to found:)

Let’s go!

The Aristocracy

I’ve just returned from the United Kingdom, and my distain for the aristocracy has been renewed.

Except for her, and her family, of course.

Let’s just be honest: no matter what I do, I will never be rich. Not like them, at least.  Even though I am well on my way to creating a company that I know I can eventually sell for millions, I will never be rich like them.

The elite.

Patreos principal divides the world into the 80/20.  The aristocracy goes one further and divides that 20% into another 80/20.  This top  20% of the upper 20% are very careful to protect their ranks; Meghan Markle is proof of that.

The Commander, in a room at the castle we stayed in.

I love capitalism, so what I say next is going to be a shock to everyone: at this point in time we might as well have socialized medicine. The aftermath of the Covid pandemic, the lockstep of all health systems to demand compliance…they really are one in the same. Big Pharma is the elite, the insurance companies the rich, and everyone else is just down on the pecking order.  My visit to the ER right after my  return to America reminded me that the poorest among us will seek out ER care because they cannot be turned away. Those with good health insurance can also afford it . Those of us in the middle however, are left footing the bill for both parties, with our sky high deductibles and large co-pays.  I remember Rush Limbaugh saying that Obamacare was designed to fail; that it would drive prices up so high the people would beg for socialized medicine. Well, here we are. I’d rather have socialized medicine, then deal with the system the way it is. The plan worked.

Maybe.

In Europe, I walked an average of 9 miles a day. I did not lose any weight. I’m at my absolute heaviest , and nothing seems to change. I have sought medical help, and no one can tell me what is wrong. “It’s just menopause“ and then they want me to take a bunch of pills. 

What about diet and lifestyle?

Because I’m certain, my obsession with potato chips is not healthy at all.

Right now there is so much junk science supporting whatever cause a person believes in it’s really hard to know what is the honest to God truth.

You can research whatever topic you want and you will find scientific proof to back up what you want to believe. We saw this in the pandemic; “trust the science” was used by both sides, and supporting their cause. Which side was right? Likely, there was some real truth in both arguments; a middle ground that we will never discover because of the polarization of each stance.

My faux mask life…

In general, I am an optimist. The last four years, however, have worn me down. I need help figuring out my health, but it seems none is to be found. My medical doctor wants me to take prescriptions off label that might help. My naturopath doctor wants me to take supplements that might help. My own attempts at exercise, i.e. the aforementioned 9 miles of walking a day for two weeks with no weight loss, did help my blood pressure and my resting heart rate but it didn’t improve my weight, or my LPR. 

Beyond discouraged about my personal health. 

To make matters worse, it’s Summer. The high heat of Phoenix makes it nearly impossible to do any outside exercise; which is where I prefer to be.  It is my legitimate hope to relocate to Prescott for June, July and August. To be able to hike regularly in the places I love.  To get away from the freezer full of frozen meat, and a pantry full of canned goods and shop at the Farmers Market instead…

I guess I can see the hills from my house here in Phoenix…

These are the days in which you don’t know if you were at the starting line of a marathon, or at mile marker 25.  Both are daunting - one no more than the other. On our trip, I realized that I was truly at my point of breaking, no matter what spot it was.

But this (it’s the freakin’ CONCORDE)

And this (that’s Disneyland PARIS, y’all🤩)

And yes, even this (season opening photo for 2023)

These little thing…these points of joy…are proof it’s going to be ok. If I seek first His kingdom, it doesn’t matter there’s an aristocracy, a TBI that causes my personal life endless challenges and everything else.

Because, in the end, I’m always an optimist.  

And no matter what, I will never believe in the no win scenario…

And always make lemonade (or lemon meringue, or lemon curd) out of life’s lemons.

Always.