Calgon: Take Me Away

by Troy Foster

This message isn't for you - because if you're reading this blog, you have manners, common sense, and a sense of humor . . . . Those that didn't stopped reading by now.

The last few weeks have highlighted for me how many people think that the gym is somehow a place that all elements of decency are left at the locker rooms.  Whether it's what they wear, how they act, or what they let out, it is all surprisingly so common place.  And disturbing.  This is for folks that don't remember that the gym is still a public place; and there are a few basic rules that apply.

Here are a few points that you can feel free to share by tagging someone that really should read this (but you can pass it along in a "ha ha" way):

1.  Clothing is Not Optional.  Most of us are in the gym because we want to get in shape or stay that way.  Safe to say that, for most, covering up is really best for everyone.  Well, why then, do I see so much skin?  And I'm not talking good stuff.  I mean rolls, wrinkly old rolls, butts (yes total asses), and even boobs sagging from the bottom of the shirt.  There are also a fair amount of people that have made progress, but bought the size down a little too soon.

Lesson here:  You need to wear clothes that fit and generally cover your body.  This isn't your house or Hooters (and you can't get a job there).  So please, please - for all of us.

2.  I Can Still Smell You.  I get it.  The gym is an odd place.  Loud music.  People in ranges of disrobing (see above).  Extreme energy.  But, you are not invisible nor are you by yourself.  Just this week, a woman next to me kept farting - loud and proud - throughout the workout.  Friend, that is not what they meant when they said give it your "all out."  And, I looked at you because - despite all that is going on in the workout - I can still hear and smell you.  Accidental farts happen.  But this is not a free for all.

3.  We Are Not Here to Make Friends (or at least I'm not).  I'm fine with the hello before or during the warm up.  And the coaches will talk one-on-one during the workout, that's just fine.  (Also, I'm kind of lying right now - because I hate when most anyone talks to me at a workout (except my three favorite coaches David, Dan, and Kim) - but I know that I'm a freak so want to level that shit out.)

But what is it with people wanting to share during the workout.  First of all, I am working out.  Thus, I can't really talk; and you shouldn't be able to talk either.  Maybe you need to talk up your pace.  Anyway, though I don't really talk to other people, I'm pretty confident that others feel the same way I do about the mid-workout chats.  Just tonight a woman rowing next to me asked "this is really hard right?"  Yes, it's supposed to be hard.  That's why we are here.  Anyway, when I said "yep," I think she took that as a challenge to keep talking to me.  (In other settings where I can look more crazy, I pretend that I'm hearing impaired or special needs - I know so not pc - but I told you, I'm a freak.)  I can't do that at my gym.  So when she jokingly said, "You're fast - glad we aren't racing," I said "Why, because you'd lose?"  No one felt good about that.  But it shouldn't have to happen.  Now, I look like an ass.  Probably I am one.  But, I'm not there to chat.  Maybe I should wear a shirt or something.

I just re-read this and I sound like a bitter old man.  Whatever.  (Wait, that single word sounded bitter.)  But seriously, even if I wasn't, I think there are a lot of us out there.  I have four kids - all 10 and under. When I go to the gym, it's like a Calgon "Take Me Away" Hour.  (For those of you that don't know what that means, it confirms that I'm old and you should Google it - in a nutshell it's "me time.")  And, I'm trying to work my ass off. Smelly, naked (ugly naked), rude, chatty people are not fun.

They are ruining my Calgon.

Pass it on if you agree.  Tag a friend that may or may not need to read this.  :)