Unintended Consequences

Nine years ago right now, I was in the last weeks of an amazing life.

 My very first recruiting award, 2003.  The next five years would be incredible.

I remember flying home to Detroit from San Antonio that May; sitting in first class due to my frequent flier status and wearing my new Cole Haan d'orsay pumps...thinking about how incredible my career had been, and wondering what I could do to take it to the next level.  I'm never satisfied with just getting by, I always seek to do my best.

Then my sister committed suicide.

 Jenny Joy.

In the aftershocks, I made some hasty decisions that caused part of my business downline to pull away, and thus began the downwards slide that continued until the company closed in December 2014.   I've never blamed my sister for her actions; I know she never intended for her death to wreck such havoc in our lives.  In her mental state, she did what she thought was best...but the unintended consequences were extreme.

This morning, I did not want to exercise.  My shoulders ached from the wrenching centrifugal forces I put them through yesterday (one simply cannot ride a roller coaster holding on) and I was thinking ahead to the Commander leaving for Germany.  I was taking her to the airport, and a good hike never has a "be done by" time in my world.  Those hikes, while worthy, add a layer of stress to "get done"-and that's when I make mistakes.  

In rushing.

A friend earlier had posted a video on Facebook of his two youngest daughters dancing; the silly antics of a 1 1/2 year old toddler and 3 1/2 years old preschooler reminded me of days now long ago.  Rare for me, I wished for just a moment to scoop one of my teenagers into my arms in their baby form...and just as quickly, the moment was gone.  I relished their tiny days.  Never in my motherhood has there ever been a day that I did not believe that today was the the best day to be their mom.

 Yesterday, at Castles N Coasters.

Today the Commander flies to London, and then to Brussels.  Six months ago she began to save, bought her plane ticket with cash and is leaving for a European vacation with it fully funded.  Carefully saving, she has a pocket of cash, Rome on the itinerary and two best friends to visit; as her mummy I am incredibly proud.  My younger two handled meeting the Buckeye this weekend with aplomb; what could have been awkward was not.  It went so well we joined him and the foster kid he mentors the next day for a day of play; again, what a joy to see them seamlessly include this duo into their lives.  The motherly pride I have in watching them mature and grow far outweighs any memories of their youth....always, right now, is the best time to be their mum.  Nothing can be better than having a 15, 16 & 21 years old trio.

Until they're  15, 17 & 21.

And then 15, 17 & 22.

And then 16, 17 & 22...just one short year from now!

With my children, somehow I'm the outlier...enjoying the now with no wishing to go backwards or forwards. As I seek to pace myself in everyday life, I wonder at the unintended consequences of rushing.

 

Slow and steady wins the race....

 Unless you're Always Dreaming and you take the lead and hold it....!!!!

I'm an outlier. I do things differently.

But for a very long time, I was a hurt outlier.  Worse yet, I was wounded.

 My self instructions not to explode on an unsuspecting court-ordered trainer.

 The typical meme of 2015/2016....

 And I'd try hard to encourage myself....

While desperately wishing for the one thing that the King had withheld:  Love.

 My advice for Manchild when he finds Her some day.

On my right calf, I have a red bump that was caused by a spider bite six years ago.  Occasionally I cut it shaving, but it stays the same shape and size.  The doctor says not to worry, and these things are best left untouched.  While unsightly, I find humor in it...a battle scar from moving to Arizona.  Further up that same leg, I have a fading purple half-inch scar; it's the result of falling on my very first trail run.  I take immense pride in it, as I do the quarter inch scar on my left knee from that long ago early quest hike with Ian.  These latent proof of wounds of long (and not so long ago) remind me of the healing that's been done and continues to happen benefits greatly from slowing down...rushing tends only to create new bumps and bruises.

 And one of the Captain's USO girls really should avoid unnecessary bumps and bruises, right?  I wore this to a comicon party and then went out for Cinco de Mayo.  Oops!

Recently, a friend suffered some unintended consequences when someone decided that they were offended by things they had wrote.  As a public blogger, the idea that our freedom of speech could be twisted and used against us horrified me--we have a protected right to say what we believe.  In this situation, the friend volunteered for a cause that is easy to support in theory, but more challenging to support hands on.  Someone decided that their online speech was inconsistent with the organization and they were summarily dismissed, without the opportunity to defend themselves.  Forgotten were the awards for dedication and years of service; forgotten were the people that received the care and attention of a volunteer with twenty years of service.  In one swift stroke, all that was gone....the victim of a world scared to believe anything other than what it is told to believe.  While I encouraged them to find out why and to fight, my mind lingered on conversations months ago concerning the words in print.  The lively debate online had simply been entertainment; something I myself had occasionally indulged in.  While I'm currently not volunteering, I have held three volunteer coordinator positions in the past three years; I am fully aware of how donors can lash out at perceived slights. Yet it never occurred to me words trolled online could be brought into a different sphere...and have unintended consequences.  Just like the person who turned in my friend has no clue of the dozens who will be upset that my friend is now gone, after so many years helping them.

Slowing down.  Enjoying the moment now-instead of wishing away the days.  I don't want to look back and say "what if?" -that what if stands before me today.  Rushing has caused so many unintended consequences in my life...and I want to be more thoughtful.  To enjoy today as I've always enjoyed motherhood-that nothing is more wonderful than today.

 The Commander checking in for her flight to London; she'll change planes there and be in Brussels sometime tomorrow.

Today I got a bit teary-eyed, waving off my adult daughter on her three week trip to Europe.  She's doing what I only dreamed of doing; I'm much like the heroine Abbie Deal in A Lantern in Her Hand for whom she is named.  Forever I have craved adventure, forever I have been held back from tackling it full force (I admit to getting away with a little bit.  I did skydive last week, afterall:). As I rework this little business of mine into a duplicatable enterprise and build a life in a new metropolitan city, I am challenged to be a) responsible b) not in a rush and c) aware of unintended consequences.  

Hoping that the focus on a & b results in very few c's.

 Getting there:)

As for exercise today?  I so didn't want to.  But I did.  A five mile bike ride to pick up a prescription...I guess you could say it was exactly what the doctor ordered.  Hoping for an even better day physically tomorrow....after realizing late today that if I skipped today, the unintended consequences were an even harder time trying to exercise tomorrow.

Each day we have a new set of "what it's", each day we have the chance to avoid unintended consequences.

Doing my best to make the best every day.