My picturesque cottage bedroom; there are peach trees outside my window.They say it takes 21 days to make a habit; I've been testing that theory as of late. This is also the 21st day I have gone to bed in a perfectly neat and clean house, despite 9 days of two teenagers hanging out and doing their best to make a mess. Manchild noticed I'm more fastidious and admitted it made the place comforting to come to; it's been years since my son has been so happy. The calm consistency of coming to Mom's happy cottage three weeks in a row has worked wonders on his soul; I am seeing in him positive changes.
As I am seeing them in me.
I love this drainboard sink. Love, love, love it!!Never before in my life have I lived alone, save for a stint as an orientation counselor at college for one month when I was 19. I woke up the morning of my wedding to the Knight in my childhood bedroom and started my adult life by sharing his home at 21. Widowhood at 24 I shared with the baby Commander, then came a 17 year marriage to the King. The last 18 months I've lived with Manchild, the Princess, my parents and again the Commander....this sweet bliss of being here, in this cottage?
A gift from God.
From my Bible. I don't like the florid images of James 1:17 I find on the internet.I am hopeful I will be able to stay here another month; I'll know later today. I also have what is essentially a fourth interview this afternoon; an opportunity to add to my income in a way that should not only fully utilize my skill sets,but also bring in the health insurance we should wisely have. As things in my life change, I am pulled back 21 days to this:
The moment I loved the most...that I had feared so much!28 days ago I woke up to Skydive Arizona groupons as ads on every website I visited, the relics of having visited their page the night before. That Sunday had been tough; I was grappling with were I should live as homelessness approached. Yes, I own a home in Prescott, and yes, I had a dozen friends encouraging me to travel the month of May. I had options-and one of them was to stay. As the stress of that decision built, and more stresses grew at alarming rates I prayed for answers and sought out a tough hike. The hike went terribly, and I had to call it early. That night as I surfed the web, the thought came I should just go skydiving to dump the stress that was eating me alive. The adrenaline rush would surely clean out all the bad stuff, right?
Yep, that's seriously how it started.
But if you like lightening....!?!28 days ago I got up super early, and noted all the skydiving ads. Then I went and hiked...
And sat right here on Piestewa Peak's summit and decided to skydive.Why?
Because I knew it wasn't me wanting to do it. Just a few weeks before I had blogged a bucket list with the hashtag, #notskydiving. The Buckeye said I wouldn't do it, based on my past statements. Even Flyboy was initially incredulous; he had, afterall, been unsuccessful in getting me to go for the prior 18 months. Was it any coincidence he'd be working at Skydive Arizona the following week, and my jumping the following Monday would work out perfectly for him to be there?
My God rocks.
On the video, you can clearly read my lips as I say "I absolutely love this!"My whole life, I've walked with God. I've always known His tender love, grace and oh! His mercy. I know God speaks to me not in an audible voice but through scripture, and through gentle thoughts that are typically fairly obvious that they are not my own. To go skydiving to relieve stress?
Definitely not something I would ever think of.
Over the week between my decision to go and the actual jump, my anticipation and giddiness grew. I knew this was directed from above-and I threw myself into God's arms in complete trust. I experienced the peace that passes all understanding as promised in scripture-and had joy throughout the entire process. The only momentary lick with fear was in the plane and I was not yet harnessed to my instructor...and I was right by the open door! Even then, I can say it was only mild concern...not fear for potential harm. I just know I'm pretty clutzy and to trip and fall out the door did seem like a possibility....
I had just been welcomed into their world:)Jumping into Flyboy's arms after the jump was the cherry on top--here was the man who had comforted me through so many tough spots, and had encouraged me when no one else was there. His counsel (had I listened) was always spot on-and he had been right. I had needed this in my life. Not only for the the thrill, but for the lesson that would reveal itself in the following weeks. For while it did work-the adrenaline dump relieved my night shakes and did wonders reducing my stress-it was the larger lesson that unfolded that has changed everything.
I moved into the cottage, and was (I had suspected I would be) a wee bored. I despise boredom, yet what else could I do? Ride is entering its slow summer months, and it wasn't right to establish haunts down here until I knew where I'd live permanently. I began looking in earnest for an additional position; knowing I needed to utilize these years before Ride grew bigger. It's terribly frustrating being in the job market, as I'm a jack of all trades (and a master of many-not none!) and can adapt quite easily. Who did I want to be when I grew up? Add in ghosts from the past reemerging from the shadows and the still-there stresses of a house unsold in Prescott, teenagers who need a mummy, parents and an ex....
This.
I'm about to do the thing I always thought would terrify me--and I felt nothing but pure joy.Every time I felt the tension build, I'd look at my phone. Lock screen/home screen, they both showed pictures from that day. An immediate reminder that when I fully trusted God with a decision, I had nothing but pure joy. No fear, no stress. All I had to do was trust Him. Do what I knew to do (work Ride, apply for jobs, write, climb mountains, be a mum, be a daughter, focus on the house selling and not the side stories) and trust fully on Him.
And peace would come.
Every time.
As the month went on, the joys piled on top of one another:
The Commander adding up her credit hours and discovering she was officially a senior as ASU.
Dressing up as a Captain America groupie...on Cinco de Mayo (oops!) 😂😂😂
Spending wonderful days with my two youngest and my parents.
And more and more time with this guy in particular...
Even though I still had tough days like this.
Peace. These 21 days of making habits and breaking habits has been about peace.
Thus far, I've made my bed for 21 days. I've consistently been very tidy, and find it soothing-and my visiting children are learning this, too. I don't have a microwave (I know, right?!) and I have to cook...wow. Everyday. Nothing convenient, and I'm enjoying it. Silly as it sounds, I'm reestablishing all the little things that I'd compromised on as the stresses had built up.
As for breaking habits?
Manchild and I, loving our time playing inside a B-17.Manchild and I had many opportunities to talk this past weekend: about God, faith and daily life. As many teenagers do, he has struggled with unanswered prayers--yet nearly every one had been a request to change others. Gently I have been sharing that prayers for others to change are the ones that lead mostly to disappointments, as there's the wonderful gift of free will; given to us by a gracious God Who forces no one. We talked how my prayer had become one of asking for wisdom to know what to change, and grace to daily try to make those changes. Rushing has been a big habit for me to break-my whole life I rush to give answers, rush to resolution, rushing to meet (I hate being bored, so arriving right on time aleviates that risk!)
Another bad habit? Living in the future, which is kinda like rushing time.
Which is really funny when you are soooooo absorbed in the past!!! I cannot put that dictionary down...this morning I was dancing in my living room that I could look up "florid" in a real book!While it is good to look forward to future events, and to set goals to attain, living for the future is not. It is a bad habit created in the worst days of my marriage-days that were wished away because the pain of living them was too great. February 2013 was the month this started; I recall the torment of waking up each morning from the only peace I knew of sleep. The company I had poured my career into was failing, my marriage had been shipwrecked. Each day my spirit and soul took on fresh wounds; the heartache of widowhood did not hurt as much as these days. Only the future of my children kept me focused; I remember thinking if I could just get through February better days would be awaiting me. As things slowly got better, and worse, then better still, I thought perhaps it would all be ok...and then the head injury and the company close. That journey is all recorded in this Fitness Quest...and the continuing thread is hope: hope for better days.
At the expense of not always enjoying that very day.
While as a mum I've always enjoyed and savored the "right now" (and so thankful as that never changed and I have many wonderful moments the last few difficult years) I had dropped that in my own life. If only I could make it through this month... if only the King would change... if only the house would sell... if only I had some sort of commitment... if only I had a job I loved... if only, if only and always looking away to the future, instead of right now.
Good lord. To think the day I woke up to the fact I was not living in the here and now was the night I wore this?!? Blahhhh!!!!!Two months ago was the first time the Buckeye said "can't you just enjoy right now?" as I had chattered on about some future plan. We were out celebrating his birthday, and I had lost a birthday bet and was wearing scarlet and grey as a result. We were at dinner when he said it, and his words had pierced my heart. Up until that moment, I had not thought of his "no pressure" request as anything other than a challenge for me to respect...I had not applied what it meant in my own life. When we parted that night I jokingly said he was teaching me patience...quite unaware I wouldn't see him again for three weeks as he'd fall ill with influenza. It was then I remembered one of my favorite verses, one I had clung to in my teenage years and through widowhood:
Florid, but effective in this case.
Should I not be counting each day as joy?
A month later, I skydived.
Each day since, when I feel stressed and frustrations build I think first, to count it all joy. I am on the right path. And second, to savor today.
Just as early today I savored every bite of these juicy, tree-ripened peaches from the orchard outside my window.
The sweetness of each day this month of May, which could have been filled with anguish as I "waited for better days" have been amongst the happiest of my life. This morning I awoke delighted, realizing I had dreamt repeatedly of a simple dinner the night before-so savoring the moment even subconsciously I hadn't wanted it to end. This morning as peach juice dribbled down my chin and made my fingers sticky, a thought popped up in my head in response to a text for the very first time...and I lingered on it. Pondered it.
Who said breaking bad habits was hard?
Yes. Undoubtedly, 100% yes.28 days ago, I listened to that quiet thought that I should jump out of an airplane, and experienced a peace that passed all understanding. I often remind myself of that brilliant memory of 21 days ago: kneeling at the airplane's door, the one part I thought would terrify me, and plummeting towards the earth below. As I got into position, my overflowing heart spoke as I whispered the words "Thank you, Jesus!" as the joy was too much to contain. My overloaded brain yelled "I'M SKYDIVING!" as we dropped out the door, and my heart responded in an explosion of ecstasy I could have never imagined. When the chute opened, and I had the toggles in hand for the first time my words were "I'm flying!" (much to the chagrin of all experienced skydivers everywhere!) The pure joy I treasure, every day I think back to those moments: For when I fully trusted God, He gave me peace to do something I had always thought unimaginable. The memory of that has made the past 21 days a joy, instead of a trial. Add in the unexpected changes, the moments to be savoured?
One could get drunk on the sweetness of these days.🍑
My God is so good. May I forever sing His praises (and all the better if from inside a B-17!)
Yes, I have goals and hopes for the future. But today? "This is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it." May I never forget to live like this ever again.
No comments:
Post a Comment