Streak Broken

So, accidentally ended my Duolingo streak at 66 days. They reset the counter and?

I no longer care.

At all.

They lost me when they didn’t automatically apply my hoard of “lingots” to keep the streak alive.

Chan eil Duolingo. Tha Duolingo dona.

I also no longer believe this:

This is BS.

It’s no different than “the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.”  To be truthful, this “everything you want is on the other side of fear” is actually duplicitous.  It’s condescending. It’s insinuating that your “fear” is keeping you down, and that if you somehow magically overcome it, you’ll have everything you want.

Not.

I’ve overcome great fears. Huge fears. Momentous fears. 

So have you.

I cannot say ANYONE has everything they want, because WE AREN'T MADE THAT WAY.

It is IMPOSSIBLE to have everything we want.

For example, this whole bittersweet mothering thing.

 https://richmondmom.com/2020/02/22/motherhood-summed-up/

I’m gonna be honest, I don’t think it’s actually healthy to be weepy about your kids growing up, and it’s the perfect example of why we will never, ever, have “everything” on the other side of fear. Kids grow up fairly happy and healthy, and instead of being satisfied most moms are sad they grew up. We want something we can’t have. Instead of focusing on the moments it was happening, and enjoying the next phases as much as the first, the focus is backwards, to what we no longer have.

Our problem, it seems, in everything, is we don’t appreciate things RIGHT NOW.

We lack gratitude and thanksgiving.

In everything.

Five years ago, when I started this quest, I did so for two reasons: 1) to heal from a TBI and 2) to get my then-husband’s attention. He wanted me to be fit and in shape like him, so I gave it my best shot. Kill two birds with one stone kinda thing. I thought if I got fit, he might treat me better, or we’d have more in common. I hoped if I pushed through the pain and the fear, I’d have a good husband on the other side in addition to feeling better.

Instead, a broken hand derailed my quest. Then a divorce derailed my life, and my children’s lives. Oh, I know I need to be healthy, and I do try, but really, if left to my own devices I’d eat potato chips everyday.

I’m back to being me with burgundy and rose gold tresses. Thank God.

What brings on this rant?

I lost February.

Being in pain daily, losing the ability to drive for two weeks and the ability to think straight took a terrible blow.  Suddenly it’s almost March, and I’ve not stretched in two weeks as I needed sleep when the Buckeye was stretching. I lost my Duolingo streak, and Ride has had an opening delay (although that was inevitable due to insurance being worked out.) 

Everything I wanted was not on the other side of fear. Everything I want is not in escaping the daily struggles (as we often focus on when our kids are young, instead of the hero moments and bubble beards). 

Everything I want IS NOT POSSIBLE...because if at this moment, I had everything I wanted I’D WANT SOMETHING DIFFERENT.

Why?

Because we’re made that way.  Ever notice no one is every truly satisfied?

This, however, has brought amazing satisfaction.

Valentine’s Day 2019, the Buckeye bought me a grocery-store orchid.

I loved it. Almost two full months of blooms.

It had three blooming stems, and brought me tremendous joy.  Once the blooms died, I trimmed off those stems and put it in my kitchen garden window. Thankfully, orchids don’t need a ton of water, as I’m not very consistent with watering.

Lol, that’s so unsurprising😂😂😂

Anywise, I watched with interest as things poked out the sides of the main stem, the most curious looking brown/grey blunt pointed things. I tried guiding them down when I read up and discovered they were roots, but only succeeded in breaking them.  I trimmed off leaves that yellowed, and roots that missed their destination. I watched an occasional video on getting orchids to bloom, and had a few false hopes that a flowering stem had been produced. It wasn’t until Christmas time I saw the real thing-and there was no mistaking them: dark green, larger and nestled directly between two leaves.  They seemed to grow visibly every day; one stem about a week or so behind the other. 

Then the buds started to appear, and my anticipation quadrupled.

And it’s not done producing buds!!

Overall, this orchid has two flowering stems, and should boast at least a dozen blooms.

My wily girl. 

Yep, the one blessing from my TBI: long forgotten vocabulary words emerge from time to time.

See, my orchid knew what to do all along, even though I didn’t. 

It went through it’s cycle of being dormant, sending out new roots and two new flowering stems because that’s what it’s supposed to do if it receives water and light. 

As humans, we have cycles, too.

Childhood, young adulthood, mid-age and later years.

As children we can’t wait to grow up.

As young adults we can’t wait for our child to grow up.

At mid-age we can’t wait to retire/have grandkids.

At later years...we realize we won’t ever have everything we want...because we didn’t appreciate what we did have when we had it.  As a result, grandparents are amazing, because their focus is on enjoying the moment, instead of the hardship.

I’m done with “everything I want.”

Just like my orchid, I’m made to cycle through life. Jobs, family, health...they’re all cycles that overlap. The reason we will never have “everything” is because these cycle all have different times they bloom-some bloom frequently, and some only once a year. Some cycles have long lasting blooms, others are short-lived.  Cycles are different by person, just as they are different in plants...for some I am certain the cycle of exercise is repetitive and can be counted out. 

I assure you mine is not.

The orchid to the right the Princess got me for Mother’s Day, it had bright royal blue blooms. As I’ve not treated the soil, I’m curious to the bloom color this year! Only one stem, and about two weeks behind the original in growth.

We weren’t made to be satisfied because I don’t believe all of our cycles will ever overlap until the end of our natural lives.  Perhaps the secret of the most successful is in understanding this; that honoring each cycle and nurturing it where it is at the moment is most important.

I didn’t pitch my orchid when it was done blooming, nor did I mourn the passing of its former blooms. I simply began the cycle again.

It’s not like I forgot the 66 days of Gaelic I had learned...

Being thankful for today, being grateful for the cycles (no matter what stage!) has to become a priority. Hating exercise has meant I’ve never gotten into a long-term cycle (I keep killing the plant...lol, or even just throw it away after it’s bloomed...!) but then I’ve never, ever, in five years of questing, been thankful for it. While I enjoy hiking, and the occasional exercise victory, I look at it with disgust.

The same way some people look at the present cycle they’re in with disdain, and wish back for days that have been, or forward to days they imagine.

Today however, what if we simply enjoyed today? The rooting, the growing, the blooming part of our many cycles? And what if we ignored what other people said we should be doing or feeling, since their cycles in overlap are very likely quite different than ours? 

Digging this translation...I had not thought of this before.

While in Galatians 5, I also noted that “gratitude” is NOT one of the fruits of the Spirit.  Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control are...but gratitude is not.

I Thessalonians 5:16-18 spells out what we should do.

Essentially being happy/grateful in your cycles, talk to God, and be thankful. A double act of gratefulness and thankfulness. 

Hm.

We already have everything we need right now to have love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. It’s simply being grateful for what we have at this moment...and talking to God about it. Then all those things will be added to you.

So thankful I see sunsets like this so often.

There’s so many things to be thankful for all around me. Let’s see how this changes things.

Eight weeks Five years

The fitness quest, and my blog, are now 5 years old.

I walked yesterday and saw this....

Five years, without any success in long term goals. 

I weigh more, I’m not healthy, and life is rough.

But.

I’m sitting up straighter. I’m not hunched.  I do listen to my body, but right now I’m in significant discomfort. My eye issue appears to actually have a working diagnosis: herpes eye disease.

80% of the population has herpes simplex virus one, which causes cold sores. I’ve had horrible cold sores since I was 13; they overtake my upper lip to my nose-growing the size of a quarter if not caught early with an anti-viral pill and cream. Now, my ophthalmologist believes my ten-year struggle with eye ulcers is actually herpes eye disease.  The virus has settled in the nerves around my eye; the first time it did I was wearing contacts. The resulting ulcer produced a weak spot on my cornea that opens up when the eye is inflamed from the nerves, which is why it responds well to steroids.

This time, being with a new optometrist who wanted to be careful, we used a less powerful steroid...which resulted in the inflammation going into overdrive.

We think.

There were 6 floral and 15 circle chairs in the ophthalmologist’s office...and I was rather concerned about their random placement.

So it’s two days later, I’m on four prescription meds (one oral, three different eye drops) and my eye is dilated all the time to keep it from moving (hoping to reduce inflammation.)

I still have a sinus headache from pressure. It comes and goes, much like my train of thought.

Which makes work difficult when you’re creating a brand new thing no one has ever done before.

My cart is the one to the left, with everyone properly seated. NOT the one to the right, in which they should be arrested.

Lately, I want to quit work.  It doesn’t help I have a job interview in two weeks.  The interview is actually a catch-22...I’ve been in so many where I’m the final two and they chose the other person.

I often want to do follow up with those companies and ask if the person they hired over me is still there. I know for a fact the job I almost got at Embry-Riddle in 2016 the other person didn’t last a year. 

What if?

I can’t change those what if’s.  I know this.

The only one I can change is the one in front of me, right now.

What if I quit?

What if I do more?

What if I stay stalled?

That’s Joe Schobert, who will be a free agent soon. I’m hoping Berry re-signs him!!!

Right now, I’m a free agent. I need help. I don’t know what to do...or do I?

Kinda like exercise.

Kinda like this quest.

Never, never, never give up.

Ok, so quitting is off the table.

We did this BEFORE everyone else, by years.

Remember you’re an innovator.

K.

But.

My head hurts and I have writers block and I don’t know what to do.

And I need help.

That part I’m sure of.

Seven Weeks of Stretching

Well, I’ve only stretched twice this week.

Monday we did this.

The weekends we aren’t typically stretching, and I like that. But Monday we had to hit the road early and yesterday I felt horrid, so I’ve only gotten in two days.

I’ve also gotten back the results of my blood tests.

The last two-three months I’ve been very fatigued. Some days more so than others, and the ongoing eye issues haven’t helped. I chalked up the tiredness to being in pain (indeed, yesterday was difficult) as my eye just hasn’t improved yet. Knowing it’s some sort of auto-immune response, my doctor ordered blood work.

Meanwhile, this cutie got his first colonoscopy, since he’s almost 52.  He figured having survived his youth he probably should start taking better care of himself.

Me on the other hand?

I did Viking hair, and this is the day after effects:)

So it turns out I’m in real true menopause, a bit earlier than I thought (mum was 55, I’m 48) and my fatigue is due to that. Suddenly the fact that certain herbal teas helped tremendously made sense; they had all been “feminine” or “immunity” blends containing the right ingredients.  While truly a relief  that I didn’t have a life-threatening disease, I was not happy with my diagnosis.

It explains the recent gain of belly fat I haven’t been able to budge. It also means it’ll be harder to lose.

What’s more? The doctor said I need to exercise more as my LDL was borderline high....the very thing that caused my grandmother’s stroke at 62.  Granted, my HDL was also very high (a very good thing, and probably quite unlike my grandmother) but proof of what I’ve always known: I’m suppose to be active.

It’s just hard to be active with asthma.  

Giuppie’s not active.

Nor is Cuda.

Lol, it’s also been cold.

Anywise, more fruits, veggies and fish...pretty much the diet we’d already started. 

As for stretching?

I pulled something on Tuesday, despite being careful to be in proper alignment. The pull hurt enough last night I didn’t sleep well, so more fatigue than usual.

Add in the fact my own Puzzles are stumping me....

A stark reminder that at least I don’t live where snow and bitter cold prevail.

Right now I’m glad I’m stretching...my posture is improving hugely.  But I’m tired, and other things are stalled.

Sigh.

Six weeks of Stretching

Like a newborn, we are still measuring things in weeks around here.

We also rejoice when then vending machine accidentally drops a free M&M’s, too.

While I’ve noticed changes from stretching, this week there’s been some very obvious ones:

1) I notice I’m bent over, and want to sit up/stand up straight 

2) I notice when my hips are back, and regularly pull them forward into proper form

3) Proper hip position changes every stretch

4) I still don’t feel “stronger” 

5) my joints are noisy

Sitting at my desk, I raised my chair so that I can’t sit with my legs folded up under me.  It encourages me to sit up straighter, even though the computer screen is still rather low. 

Not that you can see my desk; LLC taxes over took it!

Taxes usurped my creativity the last few days; as I filed a 1099 and filed my business taxes. I’ll put it all away this morning to focus on writing the first puzzle ride; an idea which I no longer worry about people stealing as it’s so freaking involved. 

I had to make paths in my office....

We did another escape room this weekend; while we won I felt it was anticlimactic. There were several red herrings, which made the final minutes less exciting as I’m like “but wait, what about??” instead of enjoying the outcome. In addition, the game master willingly gave us clues-that we didn’t ask for-and that took out some of the joy.

Lately, there’s been a lot that has taken out joy. 

There’s an adrenaline kick when you start a new venture-a jolt that gets you out of the starting gate. As time goes on, you grow weary; whether out of frustration, pain or just slow-going, they all tend to bog down your initial enthusiasm.

Stretching is best when it’s not done everyday. I’m finding a break or two weekly refreshes me.

Conversely, taking a weekend off from work at this new stage was not the best idea. With tax paperwork due, it would have been better to have spent more time getting it done.

There’s an old saying: “everything in moderation” and I suppose that’s what everyone has to figure out for themselves.  How much exercise, how much work, how much time should be devoted to something.  

Yesterday was the three-year anniversary of actually meeting the Buckeye; while we’d known each other for over a year, it took us a bit before we went on that first date. Our early relationship started very slowly, very cautiously...and in the process, we built a very solid foundation. We didn’t rush to put it together, in honesty the Buckeye was quite methodical. We joke now of his gauntlet, and yet it was that very thing that proved our mettle as first friends, then a couple.  While his job loss and injury has been very hard, our relationship has stood because of that firm foundation.

As I build a habit of stretching, I am hopeful it is also a strong foundation for a future of better health.  While we figure out what that looks like in terms of frequency and intensity, I am reminded that it’s ok to start something slow. It’s ok to be patient as you build a habit (or a new business.)

Now this? This has brought joy.

I decided a “puzzle” would involve “old” technology, and bought an old tape recorder.  Going through old tapes, I found one of me at 20, which I had intended on sending to a friend.  To hear my thoughts, and to remember my life in my junior year of college nearly 30 years ago was highly entertaining.  For starters, my older daughter sounds much like me; often times I thought it was her voice.  In addition, my younger daughter righteously got some of her neuroses from me...I had to chuckle at our natural suspicion of people.  It was also quite fun to recall the very start of a relationship with my Great White Buffalo, details I had long forgotten. In hindsight, I was the outlier I always have been; completely unguided by a very “it must be this way” world.  I was actually just two months away from meeting the Knight; who very much like the Buckeye would be a pillar of support.

Why any of my husbands love/d a goofball like me is beyond my comprehension.....

Support.

I wouldn’t be stretching for the last six weeks without the Buckeye; his support has made it possible.

Duolingo and Gaelic? No support needed. I thoroughly enjoy (and look forward to!) my daily lesson.  No one in my family likes it, though, and they groan when they hear me practicing. I laugh, and do it anywise. Tapadh leat, gu math!  

So why do we need support in somethings and not others? Why did the Knight and the Buckeye’s support mean the world, when the lack of support from the King was just as powerful of a motivation (just like my family’s lack of support (and even mild mocking) for my learning Gaelic?)

Was the lack of support accountability?

For I’m determined to “show them” they are wrong, or is it just I truly enjoy the activity?

I explain this to the Buckeye, who reminds me of the youth leader who once told him he’d only last five minutes in Marine Corp boot camp. It was that comment, that lack of support, that drove him when boot camp got hard. It forced him to be accountable to himself, and his goals. Similarly, when the King thought I could not succeed in business (it took being on a plane to Hawaii for him to finally change his tune) it drove me hard to find success.

I’m going to go with lack of support in the short term can drive one to succeed.  But at some point, the going is going to get rough...and sometimes support can make or break our future successes.

I’ve had some support in fitness, no support, and constant support. Thus far constant support is needed.  There is no way I’d keep doing this, despite the positive changes, without the Buckeye.  In business however, I’ve done much of Ride alone. Lately though I’m really needing help, which is not as forthcoming as I’d hoped. 

Support. I’m hoping the muscles that support my body are growing stronger and more flexible as I stretch them. I know Ride would grow stronger with more support. I’m hoping my support of others is helping them.

Crazy the things one things of when exercising:). Fitness Quest.  Keeping it real.

Week Five of Stretching

10 minutes.

Every.

Single.

Morning....at 6am.

Thankfully these are gracing my desk the last week and a half...and since we stretch in my office it’s at least pretty.

So I’ve not done well at not complaining...the last week I’ve been super tired. The eye ulcer still is not healed completely, and I’m pretty worn out.

The dark circles are very disturbing to me.

So, it should be a habit, but it’s not.  Stretching is a necessary evil, and my lack of enthusiasm and poor form last week means I pulled a hip/glute muscle that flares up when I drive long distance.

Seeing  as I have a 200 miles commute once a week, that’s sooooo not fun.

But what is fun?

Thrifting and finding exactly what you need for a new business venture, and having no issues squatting and standing back up.

What’s super super amazing? Deciding the “bad guy” in a story scenario should be a Steelers fan and finding this hat at a thrift store soon after (and over 2000 miles away from Pittsburgh, too!)

Lol, my “stealer” is gonna be a Steeler. 😂😂 #brownstwitter

Speaking of Browns Twitter, I was enlightened recently to the word “zaddy.”  It’s my new favorite word, as it aptly describes the Buckeye; however the definition is not family friendly, so if you’re over 18 go look it up in the urban dictionary.

He says he doesn’t like the cat😂

After a great start to the new year, the Princess and I have struggled a bit this week.

This sunset!!!!!! Surely the heavens declare the work of His hands!

We both started strong, 21 days in of kicking butt...but I think we are both a little tired. It’s a lot, doing everything we are doing. 

Also working more than ever is Manchild.

We’ve discovered he’s a natural born salesman, much like his mother.

He’s doing Special Olympics on Friday’s with the Buckeye, and has added in church on Tuesday nights. Now there’s the occasional weekend selling gig, and he’s been asked to help bounce...which both his dad and stepdad did at his age. That his mama isn’t too sure about....!!!

The Commander took off for a weekend in Michigan this morning, as her lifelong BFF is getting married and she’s the Maid of Honor.  Dress shopping is their goal for the August wedding.

My children look nothing like me....I suppose that’s good?!

So while I struggle to wake up some mornings, the benefit is my joints are working better. Yeah, I probably pulled something doing stretches poorly when I whined, but that’s on me. What is good to see is my nearly all-grown up children doing well (while the Princess has struggled a bit, it’s only because she’s taking on a lot, and has a little adjusting to do.)

A little adjusting to do. That’s probably the best advice I could give myself: you can make it all work, there’s just a little adjusting to do.

Fitness quest:  keeping it real.

Week Four of Stretching

Well I’m thoroughly over this.

It’s not night...it’s morning.

Four weeks in and I’m ready to quit.

The Buckeye says he’s fine to do it alone; that made me cry, which didn’t help my pounding head.

My eyes are very, very overworked.

So apparently, the eye ulcer of several weeks ago never healed; what I thought was a bad sinus infection was actually a partially healed ulcer. The oral steroids I’d been prescribed staved off the worse of the pain, and it wasn’t until I finished them the pain came back so badly I wondered if it was actually my eye.

The oral steroids also were why I gained three pounds in one week while on limited calories; I lost all of it the weekend after I finished the prescription.  Just water weight, so that mystery was solved. As for my head, I was beginning to wonder just how messed up I was-when I read that oral steroids were sometimes used to treat eye ulcers. I wondered if I hadn’t been misdiagnosed, and restarted a full regime with my eye...and immediately started to improve.

Except now I’m worn out.

And over tired.

And an emotional wreck.

So no, I don’t want to get out of bed at 6am to stretch, and be at my desk working at 6:30am.  Not so the Buckeye, who loves our new routine.

He’s like a twist between every football coach in an inspirational movie and Eeyore as of late. 

Ride is in a pinch; it’s been cold, which means people don’t ride carts. While I have a new revenue stream I’m working on, it’s not quite ready to launch, and is taking up huge amounts of time. I’m discouraged, trying to keep my head above water, and I’ve been in pain for about a week now.

Plain and simple, I want to quit.

I don’t want to drive 200 miles tomorrow. I don’t want to be stressed about Ride bills that piled up when the Buckeye was injured. I don’t want to get healthy, eat healthy or stretch. I most certainly don’t want to do all of that while dealing with other people’s doubts and fears.

Despite being over 21 days in...stretching is not a habit.

Eating better in general, however, kinda is.

So this morning when I was flapping my wrists instead of doing arm circles, I was looking for a chuckle.  A smile. An easy reward for climbing out of bed when miserable, and doing the right thing when I really, truly, did not want to do the right thing.

Except it wasn’t taken that way.

It’s hard to photograph sunrises; believe it or not the sky was even more vibrant than this!

While the Buckeye doesn’t mind doing it alone, he doesn’t realize I won’t do it alone right now. I’m barely staying above water, and he’s my buoy in these waves. For when a woman’s life becomes overwhelming, she gets rid of the last thing she added.

In this case: stretching, dieting and Gaelic.

Although apparently I’ve earned  “crowns” so you know that’s not being ditched anytime soon.

Funny how I’ve added 233 words of Gaelic (I’m comfortable with about 100, and sentence structure is making more sense) but that’s not overwhelming and everything else is.

Of course, I’m rewarded with a singing bell when I get a lesson right, and flaming circles of love and explanation points daily....

My body doesn’t seem much different after four weeks. Yes, I can easily stand up now from a squat. My muscles aren’t as sore, and most importantly, my upper back pain is gone. I seem to have worked through the initial soreness...and we are at ten minutes a day.  I *know* I need to keep it up.

But I really want to sleep. Just once....or just until I feel better.

I’ve been failed repeatedly by dieting and exercise...so there’s no hope in just them.  Only with a partner have I ever truly succeeded.

Who lately assured me they don’t mind doing it alone.

Fitness quest. 

Keeping it real.

Week Three of stretching: Not quite a habit

You can tell it’s early, as I’m not capitalizing properly.

Early also means you lose your glasses on your blanket on the bed....

Well, this week we missed a few days. New Year’s Day we took it easy...sleeping in after our “night out.”

Doesn’t my man look fine?!?

What’s funny is we left at 6pm, and were home by 11pm.

My favorite photo from the night. He was turning towards me for a kiss...and I love what it captured.  Love. Proven love through what was the most difficult year...still strong despite the storms. 

As the New Year starts, we’ve taken a different view of life, and what we wish it to look like. That started weeks ago, with me starting to stretch, and the Buckeye stepping out in faith. So here we are, a bit further in to our “new year” than most. What we’ve decided?

We’re no longer young😂😂😂

The Buckeye says we’re old, I say we are middle age; we didn’t even bother to stay up until midnight! Stretching (nearly) daily has shown us we are far from our youth; after skipping New Year’s, we hit January 2nd with no difficulty. But Friday the Third the Buckeye had to leave super early for work, and Saturday we had to drive to California and back.

Our diets suffered, lol.

So just four days in to 2020, we’d only stretched once and eaten a day of junk food.  Sunday was a definite wake up call.

Stretching was hard.

Not mentally hard to get back at it, but hard in that we’d both lost some balance, and had obvious tightening.  It was, frankly, shocking.

And a big wake up to our middle age.

Suddenly it made sense how people ten-fifteen years older than us had difficulty getting around. While we both hiked regularly, we both have desk jobs. We aren’t often moving.

So we got back to it.  Added more minutes, and now we are at eight a day. We discussed the merits of time, and decided 15-20 would be optimum. We argued about adding cardio at some point, and I had lofty ideas about Pilates. For now, we are stretching, and building a habit...and we aren’t there yet.

Same with the diet.

We’d thought to go back to 5-2, and last week reset our Lose It! Apps up. It’s a simple calorie counter, and it’s a huge reminder to be careful what you eat. I took all my clothes out of the closet that were too small, and told myself if I don’t fit into them by mid spring I’d have to donate them (a huge potential sentimental loss!)

He has kilt goals now, so he has inspiration, too:)

Thus far I’ve stayed under the calories I’d need to lose 1.5lbs a week.

Hang on, let me go weigh myself this week to see if my body has cooperated.  I’m guessing it has not, sooo...and yep.

I’ve gained a pound.

This is totally unsurprising, as this has happened EVERY TIME I START A DIET.

So apparently I weighed those chips wrong😜

Anywise.

Diets are started, but lifestyle changes are being attempted. I’m ok with bumps for now.  A few missed days of stretching resulted in immediate loss of inches reaching for my toes; it was a great reminder that I alone can fix my body. A gained pound means I ate 140 chips instead of 40 chips, and when you cheat counting calories, you’ll alway end up getting caught.

Welp.

At least I’ve been to my happy place, Home Depot.

So, I’m far from perfect...but there’s a difference this time. 

I have an actual plan.  And I’m determined to make it a reality.:)