Paraphrased from memory...and I'm in no mood to even think of the chapter and verse. Right now those words keep running through my weary brain.
My eyes ache from staring at the computer screen for three days straight; today is day four. The latest job I had such hope for I did not get, after making it through three rounds of interviews...at least this time it wasn't the final round as the prior few had been. While I have Ride, it's not enough to cover my living expenses and the mortgage of a house we (the King & I) still own together, 18 months after the divorce. So I look for a job, and get interviews for jobs, and in the end its always the sinking knowledge that an untraditional job history of direct sales and self-employment that brings my candidacy to an end.
Of course, these aren't $15/hr jobs either...
So for the moment, I am in Prescott. At my house, with my entire family, sans the Commander.
Cuda!!!!!! My baby is a year old!!!
Urban Harbaugh!!! Depending on his mood, so goes his name.
Happy Giuppy. This dog is always happy.
My Bo-Bo. This dog we rescued who started the menagerie; loyal to the core.
Also in Prescott?
This.
And This.
And the fact I can share it with the Princess.
And a Manchild who is finally happy.
I woke up crying this morning; much how I had fallen asleep last night. While so many good things have happened this week in business, and in doing what I know to do, I admit fully its so hard to be here.
Like nothing happened.
Like the divorce never occurred.
Like I'm in a weird time warp.
"Trust in the Lord!" my spirit cries, as I acknowledge the blessing of having this place to come to. That the King and I are cordial, and we have no animosity towards one another. Proof that our love for each other died so long ago - for passion is replaced with hate when things go awry. When love is truly dead? It's easy to be friendly. Neither of us try to hurt the other; we're just indifferent. Our common goal is healthy, happy children. Our behavior towards each other is watched carefully by them; right now, being single, my primary focus is them.
And right now, in August, I have the opportunity to be here. With them, as I build Ride up here. As I get amazing amounts of work done in the day, as I'm here and can meet people in person. As I sit in my own living room and write; pounding out 8,000 words as I'm home and its easy to write when you're home, and your no-longer-a-kitten beloved Cuda who replaced Indie comes up and asks for a belly rub.
The problem? My heart is in Phoenix...and the King is here. He asked to stay while I was here...for many reasons. Primarily as its his home, too. His office is here. He hasn't found a place for rent that will take the dogs, but really, its the kids. The Princess is starting online school, and her daddy is her biggest champion of her knocking out three years of high school in just two. Manchild has started football practice, and for the very first time, we are seeing focus (we've waited 17 years for this...!). As much as he and his dad butt heads, his father's approval is huge. Right now, in this moment, the kids need their father. And their mother. And, miracle of all miracles, somehow we are all here, together.
This is not how its supposed to be after a divorce.
And yet, the benefits to my children are huge.
This is temporary. I keep telling myself that, that this is temporary and the benefits outweigh my ill-ease of being in my old home as if nothing had happened. As if the divorce wasn't final. I'm fighting the crushing devastation of how I felt two years ago right now, the last time we were all here together. I'm facing the grim reality that having an astounding memory may make it easy to write 8000 words in a day, but it also means you're remembering every hurt, every broken dream, every lost hope...all while facing a financial future in which this home you once loved is still very much unsold and there's nothing left to keep it afloat.
And once again, I'm facing that fight alone.
Why did the King and I divorce? For many reason, but this was a main one: the expectation that I would work a miracle and make sure we were ok financially. And once again, the weight of it is crushing me.
"Trust in the Lord!" my soul cries, as I cannot help the tears that are falling again. For weeks I have walked on water, keeping my eyes focused on Jesus. Just as Peter did, I have taken my eyes off of Him and see only the waves and the angry sea. People tell me to walk away; to do so would mean chaos for my children, losing a substantial amount of equity and an extremely hard-earned 805 credit score. My name is on the mortgage - I am responsible for paying it even if my ex husband does not. Financially, I am obliged to do what I have always done - pay my bills on time. In August, there was not enough income for me to live in Phoenix and pay the mortgage in Prescott. So I came back to Prescott...and good things are happening because of it. Very good things.
But my heart is in Phoenix...and I am desperately afraid of losing it.
During my sabbatical at the cottage, I learned rushing has brought me heartache; the fear of loss being the primary instigator. Knowing this month would be tough financially I began planning it in early July...and while I've held up my end, not everyone else has. Now, despite the many advantages of being here for the month I feel trapped instead of productive, fearful instead of trusting. I know not to rush a decision now based on fear of loss...
So Peter called out to the Lord as he sank, so I am too,"Lord, save me!"
I am deeply humbled as I look up His reply:
"Immediately Jesus reached out His hand and took hold of Peter.
“You of little faith,” He said, “why did you doubt?”
James, Chapter 1
Trials and Temptations
2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. 6 But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7 That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. 8 Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.
I am taken back to my skydive...when the tandem instructor loosened my harness under canopy. He had told me in advance what he was going to do, and assured me there was no way he could unhook me in the process. I will admit it terrified me even though I had his assurance it would not harm me - I was not in control, and it was something I did not understand. It was all new to me, and I wasn't prepared for it...and in that moment I slipped the few inches that made my ride down more comfortable, and ensured a safer landing for us both, pure horror shot through me. Even though it was seconds, and I knew I had nothing to fear, the sensation provoked the fear that had long denied me this experience - I felt in that split second how I had presumed I would feel going out the door of the plane, the feeling I so dreaded I never wanted to skydive.
That's exactly the moment I'm in right now.
Thank you, Father God for that skydive.
This entire journey of walking by faith and not by sight started in late April, when I chose to trust God and jump out of a plane at the same time I decided to move to the cottage. Since that decision, I have seen the mighty hand of God guide my steps; despite the unknowns I have never experienced such joy...because in this journey I found love with the Buckeye. I have no hatred or malice towards the King because he is who he is...he's really no different since our divorce, and I don't expect him to act any different. Him wanting to stay here is not a surprise to me; I knew coming up here this was something that might happen (although I didn't expect it to! I expressly made plans for it not to!) What I didn't expect? That his request to stay would trigger strangling fear of losing this newfound love. That just being here now, when my anchor is in Phoenix, would find me doubting - being tossed by the waves of financial uncertainty that are no different today than they were when I was in Phoenix.
Trust. Faith.
"You of little faith, why did you doubt?"
Just as I felt terror the moment my instructor loosened my harness, I am choosing to look at this moment as just that. A moment. I've never done this before - this thrilling ride under canopy as I fall deeply in love while building a business I want to franchise nationally. It's ok to feel a moment of terror when I forgot to trust and have faith. I know exactly how Peter felt...
As Jesus pulled him to safety.
It's going to be ok. Having done all, stand. Do what you know to do. Build your faith with scripture...the one area that in the move north I've forgotten.
For truly, it's going to be ok.
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