The Last Time #46

When was the last time you looked at your naked body and liked what you saw?

Probably the last time you got a good night's sleep, too.

I've never really have given my body much thought; I was too tall to attract the boys' attention, so my body wasn't something I thought negatively or positively about.

Then I had a baby.

Abbie, 3 days old.

And another baby.

Charlton, a few hours old.

And one more baby.

Parry, one week old.

Let me tell you, I didn't like my body from the day I birthed Abbie onward.  The stretch marks-everywhere!  Thigh, stomach, breasts!  After nursing three babies a total of five years, my poor baby feeders look like limp gym socks, and no exercise will ever improve that.  The scars have faded over time from two c-sections, but the silvery lines on too stretched skin will always remain.  I was once just too tall, and now I was too marked.  Not one to obsess over what I couldn't change, I ignored my body.  I kept my weight in check (until the recent concussion) but I cared little for it.  It had served it's purpose in birthing three beautiful children, and had nourished them through babyhood.  Job well done, body.  Then I just ignored it...for the next twelve years.

February 2008, when things were good.

Oh, I did enjoy being thin; I'm not going to lie.  As I approached 40 I actually grew to like how I looked for my age; interestingly, that's when the "boys" started to notice.  Remember, I started the Quest not to lose weight (that is a non-David corrected lose there) but to regain my health.  Now, 8 weeks in and about 15lbs down, I'm looking differently at my body.  The marks no longer bother me.  What do I want it to look like?

Really?  You honestly think I'd post a picture?

I'm more than comfortable now with my baby brandings.  Nothing a good bra and spanx can't correct.

This is miracle stuff.

But the rest of it?  I *liked* seeing definition in my biceps.  I *love* having strong legs.  If the cellulite could be banished, I'd swear it was heaven.  I still need to do one good push-up (wait!  Let me go try!  Nope!) but my next goal...what does it look like?  Is it what my body can do, or what it looks like?

With my new body goal question in mind (because I had put on yoga pants, which are very unforgiving, and spanx aren't an option in them) I headed to yoga at the Adult Center with Katy.  I expected another lovely stretchy workout.  Wrong.

Almost immediately, my stomach became upset.  Nausea and yoga are not a good mix, and I quickly grew very frustrated.  My mood blackened, and I dreaded the class immediately following at another studio.  I had trouble doing everything.

Just like Data in The Goonies.

I managed to muddle through, and hoped some fresh water and Tums might help.

I hoped blaring this night help, too.

At Vinyasa Studio I felt a little better, and I was assured this was a laid back class.

Unfortunately, it was hot yoga.

Not me.

The nausea returned quickly, complicated by the first song in the medley played.  My brain was overloaded with too much sensory, a byproduct of the concussion.  I felt the freaking air monster sneak up on me, and immediately focused on just breathing.  

I had no clue yoga could go south so quickly.

The South.  Sigh.

My body recovered; it may have been the lack of sleep, or some drainage in my ear.   I fell asleep during relaxation, startling awake when a bell sounded.  I felt much better with just the five minute nap I had snatched; Katy shared that falling asleep during relaxation is the equivalent to four times normal sleep.  No wonder I felt better; apparently my body thought it had a full twenty minutes.

Finishing up in restroom, I tried to finger comb my hair before I left the studio.

Do you see it?! UGH!

A long silver strand.

Grama used "chocolate kiss" by Loving Care.

I do the sensible thing, and pluck the offender.  Back to body goals.

Tired from a week of hiking, exercise and work, I drive home in silence.  What goal DO I have with my weight & body?  Do I need to have one right now?  I do want more strength, and the sculpting that naturally comes with it.  I do want to be cellulite free.  I'd like to be able to look at myself naked in the mirror and think- "well done."

But for now?

I still have to do a push-up.  That moves into primary position.

and

To touch my nose to my knees.  To gain flexibility.

I have but one man to present to this world....

Charlton just brought in this flower for me.  He found it growing by the driveway after hacking at shrubbery with an ax, just for fun.

Makes me think I'm doing something right.

The Yoga Hike #45

Yesterday, I did the steep side of Thumb Butte.  Today, it would be the easy side-and then a yoga session on top.  What I didn't know?  How glorious it would be!

A double thumbs up on Thumb Butte👍

As if that wasn't fantastic enough, today marks eight weeks since I first took that hike with Ian.  How's this for a flashback?

Yeah....:). I can see it in my face, too!

I cannot contain my sheer delight in triumphing over the air monster on this butte.  I first hiked it at 18, 25 years ago, with my BFF Rochelle and her Granpa.

The switchbacks before cement & rails:)

Hiking Thumb Butte always takes me back to those long ago vacations in Prescott, Arizona to visit my best friend, and later, her grandparents.  Each trip I hiked, and each trip I fell more in love with the rocks and the sky of the central highlands.  After I was widowed, it was to Prescott I retreated with my four month old daughter; on the one year anniversary of the Knight's death, I solo day hiked the canyon.  Add another year, and I honeymooned on it's rim...and had my very first fight with my new husband sitting at the Prescott Brewing Company. Several more visits occurred, but the fateful visit of 2011 precipitated our move here.  I've never looked back; it took 24 years to get here, but I'm here.  

And now I hike.  With air.

God is so good.

#girlpower? How about make me FURIOUS instead!? (#43)

 #GIRLPOWER Monday on @GMA: What would you do if you weren't afraid to fail?

Those are words meant to empower my daughters.  To identify the fears holding them back, so that they can be successful.

Oh, I am an angry Mama.  

Today, Parry woke up sick; I woke up finally well.  While cuddling on the couch watching Good Morning America, we see  a segment on The Empowerment Project.  Two young women took a month to travel 7000 miles across the country, interviewing 17 successful women the media knows nothing about.  They challenge all viewers (i.e. girls) to ask themselves:  What would you do if you weren't afraid to fail?

Really.

I started to seethe.

#1) Why, as a girl, am I ASSUMED TO BE AFRAID?

and #2) Why is FAILURE a negative for girls?

Fear, lately, has been getting far too much credit for our lack of success.  I talked about it last Thursday in the blog-I feared hiking Granite #261 due to a bad episode with the air monster the day before.  I never got over the fear during that hike (in fact, I'm certain it will accompany me this entire week); fear marched by my side.  It didn't stop me from succeeding-I succeeded in spite of it.  

As you can see, I was NOT my happy self.

Fear of failure does not stop our girls from becoming who they want to be.  What stops them are two intertwined things:  knowledge & resources.  Looking back on reasons I wanted to quit the Quest, you might have called some of them fear; fear of pain being primary.  Let's break that down.

What caused the pain?

1) Air monster (aka undiagnosised exercise induced asthma)

2) Being unfit for # of years

3) Doing exercise above my fitness level

Are any of these really fear-based?  Or are they facts that needed to be acknowledged and properly handled?

1) Air Monster:  got a diagnosis, now get an inhaler.  Problem fixed (thank you, Kim O for correcting my oversight on that.)

2) Being unfit:  yep, and you're gonna be sore for about three months.  Knowledge:  it will take about three months when you are 43 and completely soft.

3) Doing exercise above my fitness level:  maybe you shoulda spoke up, eh?  Heck-you're a flipping reporter!  You could have stopped and just reported!  Additionally, I lacked knowledge in this case of proper form (since corrected by The Professor.)

Knowledge makes quitting illogical.  

Live long and prosper.

Resources-had I made USE of the plentiful resources (i.e. prepared) I could have avoided most of the injuries.

Except the black ice.  Remember my bloody knee, with an embedded pebble?  Here it is today, 6 weeks later.

The point is:  knowledge and resources where, and are, available to me.  I CHOSE not to use them (I've since corrected this error.) In my case, it was thoughtlessness.  With our girls, however, it's usually naïveté.  They simply do not know what is available to them.

As a girl growing up in a 900sq ft ranch house with three other siblings, eating Kraft macaroni & cheese, and having just exactly what I needed, I had no idea HOW to make my dreams come true.  At age 15, I visited Arizona.  I decided I wanted to move there, and wrote down the numbers for realtors on the big signs off I-17 as we drove to the airport (let's think about that for a second...I WANTED to buy the land inbetween Bell Rd and what is now Anthem.  Granpa laughed at me in 1987.  Sigh! I still have them in my journal...) 

Hiking in Prescott with best friend Rochelle, 1987.

When I returned in 1990, I thought my only two college choices where Prescott College and Embry-Riddle.  Wrong again...and let's chat about ASU, Grand Canyon College and NAU.  Why didn't I apply there?

Quite simply, because I didn't have the resources to attend, or the knowledge to change that.

So I buy a book about hiking the Inner Canyon on 5-11-90...

...and I just opened it last Thursday for the first time in 25 years.  

Oh, I cried.  Big crocodile tears.  

I didn't fear failure.  Fear didn't stop me.  Lack of resources and the knowledge to get around that stopped me.

All weekend, I feared being unable to do today's workout, and I still fear my breathing capabilities in hiking this week. Thinking of today's misplaced blaming of fear, I decided to enjoy the workout (it was yoga, after all) and see if I could make it more challenging if I found I was able.

Yoga, sweet blessed yoga (I'm with yoga instructor Katy Kolasa all week.) Today I experienced truly EMPOWERED yoga.  With shoulders back, dropped and lats on (thank you, Professor!) I created resistance within my movements, using my own body weight (thank you Sgt Steve!)  Tonight, my pects and biceps are happily sore-from yoga!  I created a variation using knowledge-and I loved it!  I look forward to doing this all week-and note who did the empowering.  It wasn't Joey or Steve-they simply passed on the knowledge.  I used Katy's class as my resource-and viola!

Parry tried to take photos of me doing yoga at home:)

Did I overcome fear of failure?  No.  Failure isn't even something I fear.  You LEARN so much from failure that it helps you succeed down the line.  I tried an adaptation, and blessed be, it worked.  If it hadn't?  So what?!  

Are our girls to wimpy to try again?!? What the heck?

Today-I had my very FIRST exercise high.

I could conquer the world.  

I stepped into the Arena.

Makes me weep; I'm inspired to get up at last.

No one "empowered" me.  I didn't have to find something I could do if I wasn't afraid of failure.  I simply had to lay down the DISTRACTIONS, FOCUS on a clear VISION, and move towards it.  So what of fear tags along.  So what if I fail.

I'm gonna dust myself off, smile, and get right back to it.  Did I mention I now can fit in one of my favorite dresses again?  And my Lucky jeans??  Oh, today was good.  Not because I was empowered.  Not because I thought about what I could do if I wasn't afraid of failure.

Because I took fear by the hand and said-

Let's have some fun.