Running into the Law

"In a relationship, intelligence is knowing what has happened in the past.  Wisdom is how you approach it, and focus should be on the future, not the past.

I think."

 Hmmmmm.

I've been chewing on that trifecta I discovered earlier this week, and texted the above to an acquaintance.  This theory, or hypothesis if you will (just what IS the better term?  My science is rusty!) is that the three working together give the best results.  In anything!  Business, relationships, exercise.

Exercise.

I was thwarted yesterday.  I got off early, and had but one Ride task to attend to.

 Instead of a run, I looked at this for an hour.

It took me that full hour to notice what was wrong, too. 😂😂

By the time I was finished, sunset was in twenty minutes...and I was fifteen minutes from the trailhead.

Sigh.

 Right there with ya, kid.

As I mulled over intelligence (is this something we are born with?  Can it be cultivated?) vs. wisdom (only gained by experience?  Can it be taught?) I noted my focus was again on something I did not have:  time.

 

And yet I own a time machine....

Time.  Slowing down.

Enjoying what is, right now.

 No caption necessary.

Last week, I met a man for the first time.  He left quite the impression, and I've not stopped thinking about him since.  By Monday, my overactive brain had already over analyzed every detail...and I desperately sought some control.  Mentioning that fact in happenstance to Russ, he backed me right up to it.

"Why do you need control?  Can't you just slow down and enjoy whatever the outcome is?"

 He's a plant killer, but he was right.

I can enjoy a journey even if the outcome isn't what I desire.

All I have to do is change my focus.

 

Their focus is laser sharp:)

Since January, my focus has been on the fact that I have "no control" until May 21, 2020.  That's the day after my youngest graduates; now unwittingly being in 100% custody of my two youngest I "know" I'll be "stuck in Chino" until then.

But what if.

What if I slowed down and relaxed.  Enjoyed this journey as never before.  Instead of searching for what I desire, what if I just enjoyed the ride, regardless of the outcome.

 Pure and utter joy, these two.

Right now, I'm suffering from one of the worst cold sores I've ever had.  Heavy stress always ends in an outbreak, this one (despite taking anti-viral, abreva and lysine!) is literally driving me away from the crowds.  For although I learned long ago to still have confidence while looking grotesque (this is NOT and exaggeration) I simply don't want to have to expose others to what they can't unsee!!  That said, on this Thanksgiving Day, I am taking stock of what it (and all other things) in my life mean:

The stress I created by focusing on what I don't have (freedom to leave, a healthy romantic relationship, a job that I'm actually qualified for vs over qualified for, time for my business...just to name a few!) eliminated the joy of what I do have:  a beautiful home in my favorite place on earth, many very healthy friendships,  a job that allows me tremendous creative freedom (plus four tens!) and a blossoming new venture. Slowing down actually allows me to better structure my time, but the kick in the pants this week was Russ' words:

"Why do you need control?  Can't you just slow down and enjoy whatever the outcome is?"

 A desired outcome, as enjoying a scarlet and grey bumper sticker on my vehicle if they lose rather questionable, but the rivalry smack talk with Flyboy?  Priceless.

Long ago, I learned to never base my happiness on a football team's ability to win or lose.

 But this?  This is hysterical!

I'm learning now that no matter how much intelligence I have, unless I apply wisdom to a situation, and focus on a) what needs/has to be done b) solutions/actions to such needs and c) taking accountability for the outcome regardless of what it is happiness will be elusive.

Amazing the influence of a man I just met last week.

Interestingly, I've not talked to him since.  A few texts, nothing more.  In the past, my heart would have been crushed.  

Not anymore.

I'm enjoying my journey.  Perhaps he will appear again, or perhaps it was just a stop along the way.  My desires are genuinely irrelevant-if it's not shared there's no need to dwell on it.  It matters not that he ticked all my boxes, or that there was chemistry and a spark.  If it works, I'll be delighted.

What matters now is the fact I'm enjoying this outcome.

Intelligence, wisdom & focus.

Thank you.

Falling on Rocks

When you work four tens, you don't get to hike in the fall on work days.

 

Because your day starts in the dark, and ends in the dark.

It wasn't a bad week.  I ached to try trail running again, and thought about incorporating a "learn to run" program into my Roam Your Home initiative....you know, mixing work with pleasure:)  I had leadership training and busy days instead; the next thing you know it's Friday morning, and I'm waking up in a hotel in Scottsdale.  My first thought?  There's a pool downstairs, and I want to swim.

 Unfortunately, this has yet to be purchased, and I was loathe to give up my cosy nest...

Three hours later I finally got up (yeah for light-blocking curtains!) and immediately dressed for a run. Afterall, I was in the valley!  It was warm (not!) and trails abounded!

I also apparently had a business to run.

 ....alas my focus was on other things?!

The next 36 hrs tested my entrepreneurial metal; never before had I so strongly desired to walk away.  

Being rear-ended did NOT help, but I'm pretty certain I avoided a concussion.  I think.

Thankfully, I DO own a golf cart taxi business...

 ...and it's kinda impossible to not have fun behind the wheel!

While driving, I acknowledged the fact I need to write driving into my business plan, for multiple reasons.  It was like hitting my head and waking up with an epiphany (it's debatable if my car accident earlier accounted for any of it)--I was noticing multiple facets of the business I had missed my last time out.

It also made me realize how far off of my business plan I was.

The night grew more stressful, and a text from a friend prompted me to call it a night.  As day dawned, I knew I had to sort out the jumbled mess of tangled emotions bombarding every thought.

 Dreamy Draw?  Love the network of friends I can pull from.

 Trail 100.

 The middle of Phoenix.

I fell in love.

Again.

Hiking first, then running sections, the Trail 100 wrapped me in its grasp.  The topography was different, dotted with saguaro's and far rockier than my central highland trails.  As I put a mile, and then two behind me, the knots melted and my spirit relaxed.

So was it a heel strike or a toe strike?  Sheer balance?  Hands where?  Slow/fast?  

I couldn't believe it when I fell, tripping first and unable to catch myself as the loose rocks shifted under my right foot and I came crashing down on my right hand and left knee.

I must say, the gouges on the water bottle were impressive.  

At first I thought I only had scrapes.  No visible blood, so I dusted myself off and started up again.

Only my knee wasn't too happy.

Sitting down on some shredded rocks to better access the damage, I was distracted by my ringing phone.  There amongst the broken rocks, I talked out my business frustrations, including my inability to stay upright on the trail.  Earlier we had discussed the differences between intelligence and wisdom, now a third component was added to the mix:  focus.

Um, yeah.  Kinda missing that as of late.

😳

Readjusting my perch, I settled in and decided what needed to be done now, focusing on reasonable solutions for the short term.  Remarkably, the tension slipped away, and terms were readily agreed upon.

Hm.

Focus, eh?

Walking back to the car, I noted the dark spot on my thigh.  Peeling my running capri's up, I saw the 4" gouge for the first time.  It wasn't bad, but I marveled how I could have missed it.  Once again, my focus had been elsewhere.

Driving back home, I mulled over intelligence, wisdom and focus.  How was this trifecta to best be applied to my business....and alternately, to my fitness quest and life beyond? While I had temporarily bandaged my business, I needed a workable plan.  SMART goals needed updating, and my focus had to shift from problems to solutions.  That balance seemed satisfactory, and my mind drifted to the quest.

Trail running had surprised me; by tapping into the pleasure receptors of my brain with my Jesus music, I had been able to maintain something I truly believed impossible my entire life.  The added complexity of trail running intrigued me; interestingly, I thought it quite funny and almost found joy in the fact that I had fallen repeatedly.

 Yep.  Right there with you.

You see, the falls were instant feedback that I was doing something wrong, and I relished the correction.  So rarely in life have I been so quickly made aware that I was doing something wrong, and needed to go about it another way.  The soreness today reminds me my focus has got to sharpen in key areas-or injuries are inevitable.

Rocks.  I have a degree in earth science simply because I love them.  Amongst them I am happiest, whether hiking or running.  Apparently falling on them is a positive thing, too.

 

Codebreaking

My broken hallelujah, while a breakthrough, was not helping me get out of bed this morning.

 

And apparently lots of tears.

Today was the day of reckoning.  The parents were home, my chaotic twelve-fourteen hour days of single parenting ending, and I could start exercising again.

But I didn't want to.

My bed sucked me in, and an unexpected breakfast in bed held me there tight.

 Harbaugh was most interested.

Too many tears shed over too many things (I suspect the concussion of last week was a definite culprit) and exercise, my arch nemesis was calling.

I hate exercise.

To top it off, my weary soul called for comfort, and I had skipped church due to my beloved Durango being unsafe to drive while awaiting repairs.

While listening to Hallelujah I decided to take an easy hike, knowing it is in nature I commune best with God.  I could listen to my Jesus music and pray on the trail, hopefully easing both body and spirit.

That's sooooooo not what happened.

 Williamson Valley trailhead.

The trail is a triangle, not quite 4 miles in length.  The first side is a mile and a quarter, and is relatively flat.

 Until right about here, at the junction of 347.

About 3/4's down the first section of trail, I decided to give trail running a shot.  No fewer than three friends had recommended it to me, touting the necessity of constant thinking it required.  Never to back down from an intellectual challenge, and knowing a fresh start was a great time to start something new, I have it a try.

The air monster was there immediately.

For a change, I sat down and collected myself, fully aware that this was an asthma attack (I vlogged it as well.)  Once I had regained the ability to breathe, I determined I wouldn't let it get too bad the next time I ran, and would stop and drink water at the first since of air restriction.

 Did I mention I was wearing minimus shoes?

The middle section of the trail is rocky mile, and I took to it with alacrity.  I quickly learned trail running was a very short gait to control foot placement, with hands lower at the side.  It wasn't a jog but it was far from a run...more a hopping hike!  I wondered if it was a heel strike or a toe strike...

 ...and quickly learned a hand/knee combo strike!  My first fall was on a remarkably flat piece, thankfully with few rocks.  My hand wasn't skinned (or broken!!) but my knee was bloody.

I was elated.

 As I was having a blast.

The last mile was relatively flat, and I ran 7/8ths of it.  As I neared the trailhead, I was euphoric.

While exercising.

I felt amazing.

 

My golden trail.

While my hips knew they'd had a workout, and my skinned up knee burned, my lungs had decided quite suddenly to work as normal.  Over the 3.7 miles I had ran at least a mile of it, and I felt incredible.

 I thought about sitting here to blog...but that's barbed wire!

As my playlist flipped back to the first song, and Hallelujah again played, it all clicked.

Hiking is my sanctuary.  I go to the Canyon as my cathedral.  Today I had purposefully sought God in nature, listening to my Jesus music.  My faith brings me pleasure, never guilt or pain.

Unwittingly, I had tapped into the pleasure receptors of my brain, and had combined them with exercise for perhaps the first time in my life.

 I could hear the Canyon calling me.

The oft spoke of, but rarely if ever experienced "exercise high" was mine, due to the first ever connection of exercise with pleasure.  This should have been a terrible, hard workout.  I, simply stated, do not run.

Ever.

But I did, and it was wonderful.

My Hallelujah may no longer be broken....now it's time to make it a habit.

But tonight, tonight I revel in the fact it didn't hurt, torture or consume me with torment (for that is what running in the past would have meant.). Tonight I felt what others have found naturally

Tonight, I found how to motivate me.

Hallelujah

I didn't argue politics the entire election.  I didn't talk about them here, as it's really about fitness.

 And sunsets, kittens and Capt. America, truth be told...

Then I allowed myself to be sucked into a defense of the electoral college (I'm rather besotted with the genius of our Founding Fathers) and found myself suddenly tossed like a pinball amongst conflicting beliefs.  This is our reality since this election cycle began; instead of polite discourse, divisive accusations are being hurled.  While I typically only see hate being spewed online, and have not seen it in person, a friend was recently targeted.  She speaks four languages, and is a legal immigrant to the US.  She writes (in English) for a living, and teaches writing in English.  On this day, she was speaking in Spanish on the phone at a coffee shop, and a man demanded she "speak English!"

The pen is mightier than the sword.

Speak English!

This altercation, added to the sudden hateful outbursts of emotions and beliefs, broke my heart.

I love America.  For all her flaws, I will never not regard her as the greatest country on earth.

Except apparently it's wrong to believe that anymore.

Do.  Not.  Get.  Me.  Started.  About.  This.

In my personal life, my parents finally returned from their six week adventure.  

 Aunt Joan, Dad & Mom.

This means I can resume exercising...for I can now go to work early and get off at a reasonable hour for a workout.

Except it's dark out now at that reasonable hour.

And then there's this:

 If you don't recognize this-be so grateful.

This past week I had a third date with a great guy; he'd hate it but I thought of him as the Grand Boobah.

 Yep.  Same guy:)

We had a wonderfully fun date, but driving home with Kyle, I admitted there was no spark.

The spark.

It's caused me so many tears this week!  The spark is beyond chemistry.  While chemistry is never guaranteed, it can exist without the spark.  The spark is what can ignite into a life together, if nutured.  The fire that results can flash and burn up quickly, or it can be built to last.

 This fire was built to give comfort and steady heat for hours...

The wonderful thing about dating is I choose to learn from each new relationship, however brief.  With the Grand Boobah, we both quickly admitted it wasn't a lack of chemistry, it was the lack of a spark.  There was nothing there to suggest long term.  We both laughed at our mutual respect at acknowledging something with such ease, and parted as friends.

I later cried.

Not over him, but over the realization that I had had a spark with others.

One had been fanned ever so lightly, keeping it alive far too long, and growing into nothing.

One had been instaneous combustion, scaring me with its intensity.  I ran, not prepared at the time, and not recognizing its potential.

But more recently, there was a spark.  It grew quickly, and this time, I wasn't the one who ran.  It still smolders, all these months later.

This week I tried to douse it with salt water.

Rather unsuccessfully.

Love.

The Greek had three different words for love, and all three have begged my attention this week.

Eros, or erotic love, is that spark.  A spark that can burn out quickly, or it can be nurtured into a fire.  That fire can consume, or it can be a source of comfort.

Philos, or brotherly love, is what is missing in this election.  No longer are we bound as brothers, sons and daughters of a great nation.  Suddenly hate is acceptable, rather than free discussion of ideas.

Agape is total love, an unconditional love that is the embodiment of Eros and Philos combined.  It is the fire that is cultivated to give off heat, is controlled to be productive and to nurture those around it.  It thinks first of others, and desires to hear foremost the heart of those in despair, seeking to comfort them.

The cry of my heart is not the missing spark, or the still smoldering fire of many months ago.  It is the disappearance of agape in so many areas of my life.

The Princess has a new favorite song.

I'd heard it before...it always enchanted me with its Biblical allegories of David and Samson.  As I learned the lyrics this week I came to understand their meaning...

And it's me.

Right now.

And as I cried for love lost, my broken hallelujah rose.

For hallelujah is Hebrew for "God be praised!"

Hebrews 13:15

Through Him, therefore, let us constantly and at all times offer up to God a sacrifice of praise, which is the fruit of lips that thankfully acknowledge and confess and glorify His name.

As I contemplate the reorganization of my life, slowing down, being patient with time and things out of my control, I am reminded of my broken hallelujah.  Broken though it is, my God is still great. As I bring my sacrifice of praise, peace rains down on my weary soul.  

And they shall know we are Christians by our (agape)  love.

Love (agape) never fails.

I am simply called to live a life expressing this love.  That is my peace.

Tea and conversation also helped...!

Now if only I could figure out the exercise thing...

I'm off to hike.  I think I'll praise on the way.

For Everything Else There's MasterCard

Nearly two months ago, Manchild was struggling with football conditioning.

 

It had been about 6 weeks, and much like his mother, he had found that exercise did not make him feel better.

He felt worse.

I assured him he was close to his breakthrough-when it did get easier....but it was tough.  As a former fencer, he did not have a team mentality, and did not grasp the consequences of quitting a very popular football team.

But Mom did.

My Manchild was hurting, and the empathy I had was sincere.  I know how horrible it is to be out of shape, and try to get back into it.  So, like many a mother before me, I offered a reward for sticking it out:

I bought tickets to Michigan.

Not just plane tickets, oh no.  

Michigan Football tickets.

They'd just won the first game of the season, and the team was ranked in the top ten.  I picked the first weekend in November, one week after Chino would finish their season.  

I sincerely hoped I would not freeze.

The purchase was the boost he needed-a goal to be reached.  Shortly thereafter, he hit "cruising altitude," and began to see his efforts rewarded on the field.  I had bought tickets for my daughters as well, figuring it might be one of the last times I could get all three together to travel before the younger two entered college and the older one finished college.

Then I started a business.

Two businesses.

 

Financially, I almost immediately regretted my impulsive purchase.  

At least I had paid cash....

One thing after another happened business wise; then the fuel pump went out and the refrigerator the next week.  My trusty Durango needed a new front end, and unexpected medical situations arouse.

I began to regret my choice...as Michigan kept winning.

And my manchild got even better at football.

 

My parents left unexpectedly for what I thought was two weeks-as I write they are still not back, six weeks later.  My schedule was changed to accommodate my two youngest, and I was encouraged to slow down during some of the busiest days of my life.  I gained weight for the very first time in my life due to stress, and earlier this week I hit my head on a tree.

And again I regretted the impulsive choice.

Then on Thursday, Kyle & I took the younger two out of school for the day and started their mini-vacation early, with a laughter-filled morning in Jerome.  Kyle & The Princess regaled us with fanciful tales as we traveled to the airport; Manchild & I had tears rolling down our cheeks we laughed so hard.

#LYBP❤️

My oldest daughter, who is so rarely mentioned in this blog I just realized has not been given a nickname, joined us at the airport.

We had a rain delay.  Seriously.

I could not recall the last time we had a photo of the three of them together.

It was wonderful.

The King's brother picked us up from the airport, and at 2:30am delivered us to his mother's home.  There my 86 year old mother-in-law greeted us with a feast of food, and made her now towering grandson a milkshake.

At 2:30am.

I could have wept.  

For this alone the purchase had been worth it.  My children will never forget the love of a wonderful Grammy, stuffing them full at 2:30am, the second they walked in the door.

We each went our separate ways on Friday, reconnecting with old friends and family.

My alma mater, wise & glorious, shrine of light and home of truth.

Saturday dawned beautifully, Michigan trying to woo me with a stunning fall day.

Luckily I recall clearly her wicked side, called winter.

The golf course was lush, the tailgate amazing as more family joined us.

The Knight's mother and the King's mother.  I love them both dearly.

The game?  A blow-out. 59-3.

The memories?

Priceless.

This is why I work hard-to travel and explore, making memories that will never be lost.

This is why I want to franchise-so that others can share in this success, and use the resources success brings to enjoy life.

Ugh.  This is why I need to exercise...to be healthy and not be like my grandmother, in a wheelchair for 22 years after a stroke.

I'm writing this on the plane, minutes from landing in my beloved Arizona.  I adore this state; from age 15 on I determined to make it my home.  I have no intentions of ever moving back to Michigan.

But sometimes it's good to go home.  It's even better to have a healthy son.

Go Blue, Manchild.  Make your dream of being a lineman for Michigan come true.

No longer funny

This is getting ridiculous.

 

Me, after passing out five times and have four attacks of muscle spasms after hitting my head and suffering a mild concussion.

 

The punishment.

I have never felt so utterly alone.

So, I hit my head.  How?  Climbing up on a park bench so carefully focused on not falling I walloped my head on a limb.

Not a branch-a limb.  Dang thing didn't even budge.

My vision doubled, and the nausea started at once.  As I stumbled over to my coworkers, I tried not to panic.

I was terrified.

Three concussions in less than five months.

The decision was made to take me over to urgent care, and my coworker Carlos steadied me with his arm.  He reassured me I was fine, and made sure everything was taken care of inside before he walked me in.  I dashed off a quick text to my business partner, Kyle, who called immediately to reassure me I'd be fine.

But I wasn't.

I felt woozy, and the dry heaves were increasing.  I kept my eyes shut, hoping to stop the spinning room.  

They say I passed out five times.  Three times in the clinic, and twice in the ambulance.  In addition, I would violently shake....and my habit of  deep breathing to stop my frequent night shakes kicked in.  In the ambulance they had Native Air on standby as both local ER's were full, and my vitals were all over the place.  The medic started two IV's, ready to shock my system into recovery if need be.

 

I vaguely recall thinking it would be cool to ride in a helicopter.

I definitely recall being terrified for my two youngest, in school and unaware.  I had no one that could go to them.

I also had no one to come to me.

As I sat on the gurney in the brightly lit ER, the empty rocking chair in the room sat starkly empty in the corner.  As my brain reset itself and I began feeling better, I pondered my situation.

I was tired.

I was alone.

But I wasn't lonely.

Bored, yes.

Lonely, no.

I am fully capable of doing this alone.

It just would be nice if I didn't have to.