Rush

It's amazing the inventions you think of when you're stuck in traffic, and needing to be somewhere.

 I needed wings, but the dress is pretty magnificent...

As so often happens, a series of events begins much earlier in the day to throw off one's timing; for me it was waking at 3am.

 

Century Oak Scimitar, aka Sam, with his mistress, The Commander.

The day before had been horrible; we received news that our family horse, Sam, had to be put down from colic.  He had been with a family in Colorado while the Commander was in college, enjoying five children who lavished him with the attention my daughter no longer had the time to give.   She had selflessly allowed him to go, knowing the better life lay on trails in Colorado than standing in a stall in Mesa while she earned her degree.

Now he was gone.

Days shy of his 16th birthday, the horse she had loved for 12 years had a strangulation so bad the vet could only put him down.  While she bravely blamed no one, accepting his fate was a devastating blow to a young woman who carefully planned as many details of life as she could.  Her future surely had included her own children riding on Sam, who would certainly live to a ripe old age.

 

Their first show; they took a third place ribbon.

When she had first started riding, it was on the advice that "she needed something to control."  Strong willed did not adequately describe my child....I often reminded her that she would grow up to be president or a dictator.  "Presidents get elected," I'd remind her.  "Dictators get shot." 

Riding was offered as a solution, and horse camp grew to horse lessons to horse leasing to horse ownership....Did you know horses have chiropractors?  Yeah.  Benjamin Franklin called horses "the only hobby that eats."

So this very strong willed girl started to ride.  One day, when she was about 12, we had another argument and in exasperation I told her "I'm as angry with you as you were at Sam when he almost threw you at the last show."  I've never, ever forgotten the look as her face visibly changed.  "I'm so sorry, Mama," she said. "I didn't know I made you that mad."  From that day on, she tried.  She tried to think before acting, before dictating how life should be.  Sam helped her understand what she could control, and how to signal it...and that it was her fault if she communicated it wrong.  Sam helped parent our Abbie as much as her dad or I.

So waking at 3am after such a day of mourning wasn't unexpected, as usual I immediately began working on whatever project I had been on the day before.  I planned an early hike of Piestewa, and waited for the dawn.

 

So digging the southwest emoji I discovered🏜❤️

At 5am I decided to finish my prior day's blog...and wrapped up in writing the time flew by.  At 6am I closed my eyes for just a minute....and woke up three and a half hours later.

I was horrified.  An entire morning, wasted.  No chance for a hike now; I had a business meeting coming up soon.  Hastily I got dressed, thanking God it was with my partners I was meeting and shorts were fine.  Checking in with my daughter I was relieved she was feeling better, despite a lack of sleep.  We are both moving out of her apartment this weekend, and there's plenty of work to be done.  I left at noon, while simultaneously texting the Buckeye about my missed hike.  When he suggested I join him at 5pm I did I quick inventory of my car:  I had my ill-fitting but still doable minimus with me, I was in shorts so I could hike in what I was wearing, and I knew I needed to pick up water-so cool-no need to go back to the apartment.  

Sigh.

I could say I was compromised, but that's a cop out.  True, I wasn't thinking.  You see, it was also the 21st anniversary of the Knight's death.

Newly pregnant with The Commander...lol.  She looks just like him, but acts like his father.

Last year, the 20th anniversary hit me like a ton of bricks.  Whilst married to the King I had tried to bury my emotions every 26th of April, my first year divorced (and being the 20th year) I was overcome with a tidal wave of grief.  The Knight I adored would never have divorced me, or left me...but had, via death.  This year I was cautiously looking for such waves, bracing myself for whatever life might throw.  A hike would have given me a chance to reflect, I had missed that window by getting up at 3am.

The meeting and lunch went well, my business partner Kyle and I decided to walk around downtown Gilbert to brainstorm ideas for Ride there.  He'd not been in Dierks Bentley's Whiskey Row; he suggested we check it out and get a drink to toast my Knight.

 We both thought this looked waaaay too much like "Ride." #LYBP❤️

I ordered a Dierks Dram, basically a bourbon manhattan.

 

It was delicious.

Rarely have I had a drink so perfectly crafted as that one; the delicate balance of flavors played beautifully off each other.  I took the picture at 2:57pm, and sent it to the Buckeye.  His reply?  "Enjoy."

And I paused.

And thought...surely if I drink this now, and wait to leave at 4pm, an hour is plenty of time to get to Dreamy Draw?

It did taste amazing....

As traffic inched forward on the 51 at 4:57pm, I ruefully regretted my timing.  What was normally a 35 minute trip was now encroaching on an hour as I had hit three traffic entanglements.  I pulled in ten minutes late, and quickly changed into my shoes, casting aside the socks stuffed inside as I found they made my feet slide inside (these were actually men's minimus, that I bought when they temporarily discontinued my favorite women's style.  They had never fit right, and I'd only worn them a handful of times.) I had forgotten in my rush to buy water, and sheepishly asked the Buckeye if I could share his Camelback.

Yeah.  I write a fitness blog, and hike several times a week....

With no need to carry water, I stuffed my keys in my front pocket and my phone in my back pocket and left my always present backpack in the car.

Which meant I left my gun, my first aid kit, my cliff bars, my emergency kit, my energy mixes and, most importantly, my inhaler in the car.

Rush.

I mean, I knew I had water, right??

It had been over a month since I'd last attempted running on the Dreamy Draw trails, it was so good to be back.  Butting up to the back of Piestewa and part of the Phoenix Mountain Preserve, I was delighted to be exploring trails new to me.  The first third was relatively flat, and I joyfully threw in a few running jumps on familiar parts.  Turning east we headed between the peaks, the Buckeye pointing out my beloved summit trail, 300, and helpfully showing me where 302 converged as I hoped to hit it soon.  It was standing in a gully wash as he described a prior wipe out that I realized I had forgotten my inhaler...and mild panic set in as I climbed out of the wash and felt the Air Monster stir.  Dang it.  We had a hell of a lot more climbing to do.

So.  Let's regroup.  Because I had a drink, I had to wait to leave until 4.  Which meant I risked getting caught in traffic, which I did.  Which meant I forgot to buy water, which meant I had to depend on someone else providing it....in their Camelback, which means I'm not carrying ANY on my person, so I then decide my trusty-always equipped pack should stay in the car.

There are over a dozen empty water bottles in my car...and it never occurred to me to fill one of those. Well, until that moment, a mile out, about to hike up, knowing I have no inhaler, no pre-exercise puff off it and not even my own water in hand to soothe my lungs (before the inhaler, I gulped water instead.)

Did I mention this was a date?

😂😂😂

Let's recap:  I was late, I had the wrong equipment, left other equipment behind and wasn't prepared (water) and now I knew I had made a potentially serious health  decision as well.  Thank God it wasn't the first date...nope, in that I just pulled a flexor muscle and couldn't walk.  Truth:)

 

I keep promising him a date in a sundress, and that hasn't happened yet, either...

Thankfully, I know how to hike like a granny.

The few climbs we had, I slowed to my granny pace.  It's hard to hike like a granny when you want to keep up, knowing you have the strength and stamina but just not the ability to breathe.  It's really hard to hike like a granny when you're wanting a drink of water but you were stupid and didn't bring your own, and the water you're sharing is at the top of a climb that you must do slowly.  It's even harder when you know you look pretty dumb for being unprepared when you freaking write about being prepared and even harder still when you're anxious to impress someone.

So I decided NOT having an asthma attack would be the MOST impressive accomplishment I could pull off, put on a smile, and slowed the heck down.

If only I had done that earlier...I might actually have been prepared.  

"Slow like a granny.  Tiny steps.  Slow steps."

I whisper them to myself, hearing the crunch of lose rock under my feet.  I feel a sharp twinge from my right ankle, and sigh deeply.  There's a blister forming. I had forgotten that's why I had socks stuffed in this pair-they don't fit well being men's and I always get a blister.  Like hell I was going to admit to that.

"You know, it's never one thing that is wrong that creates accidents," the Buckeye teased as I got to the top, noting my ill equipped self and the fact I forgot water.  I countered that I didn't "forget" water, that I would not have set off without the assurance I could share his.  It was then I admitted to forgetting the inhaler; while he knows I hike like a granny I figured he might need to be aware of the other should I run into trouble as I so often had on these trails.  Of course I made light of it...it wasn't going to be a problem unless I failed to be careful.

Unless I failed to slow down.

It was a humbling lesson; I had to swallow much pride.  The blister added insult to my injury; while the hike itself was breathtaking, and the bantering conversation easy, I was cognizant of how truly wrong it could have gone.  It also showed me how much trust I already had in my hiking partner-he alone carried the essentials I usually carried.  I did successfully make it through without an asthma attack; all the weeks of training myself to "hike like a granny" actually paying off.  Ever one to be honest (even when I am at fault) I admitted to the blister in the parking lot as I changed back into my sandals.

Slowing down.  Dragging out something with a purpose.  Yes, it can be done faster.  

But does it have to be?

My daughter's greatest regret with the death of her beloved horse was no more time to look forward to.  In retrospect, being widowed at 24, I too have placed a premium on time.  Rushing time.

Because this moment may not come again if they're gone.

I rush decisions, I rush business, I rush through work, I rush through play because it all may end too soon.  I have to get it in now before they disappear forever...just like my Knight did, those 21 years ago.  I see for the first time today how I push to rush in everything out of fear of losing...a habit of the widowed heart.

 

Newly widowed, having escaped to my Arizona.

I used to think I lacked patience; that's not true.  What I lacked was wisdom to understand timing, wisdom to focus on the here and now, wisdom to make better decisions instead of snap decisions.  I can be patient far past the cows coming home...I have a 17 year marriage to prove it...but I greatly lacked wisdom when it came to decisions and rushing.  Always rushing.  Always trying to fit more in....to make one more memory...because they might be gone soon.

My heart breaks for the young widow I was, who developed such a habit out of the fear of loss....only to have multiple losses because of it.

I lose the very air I breathe if I rush.

I've also lost so many relationships in all areas of my life in the past because I rush.

Last night, Kyle and I celebrated one year of friendship and being business partners by taking in the Black Moods at Wasted Grain.  I hadn't been there since last fall, and walking through the courtyard I heard the music coming from the dance club above.  I smiled at the memory of being there with the Grand Boobah, and of dancing with him that night-so obviously attracted to each other, but before that first electric kiss.  I remember thinking at the moment what a wonderful feeling it was, to be so attracted and yet not yet having touched...and wanting to prolong it.  

Not that I did😜🤔😎

But what if I had?

My rushing to the hike could have ended badly-the Buckeye was right-I had committed several mistakes that together could have spelled disaster.  In the end, all was well, and he has years worth of fodder to tease me with should he chose.  Had I showed up prepared? I would have made a better impression, for sure.  As is,  I learned a lesson so valuable, I wouldn't want to change it.

Rush.  It's what's been wrong for 21 years.