Weddings

Today is the 19th anniversary of having married the King of Athletics of the Central Highlands.

 In my Trash the Dress session, wearing my wedding dress, 13 years after said wedding day.  It captures a look only a few people would understand.

Right now, today, I'm not happy with the King.  I'm not unhappy either, in reality, I'm completely indifferent.  I don't hate him, I don't like him.  I don't want to get back together, and I don't want to spend time with him.  We do have a house that is for sale that I am anxious to sell...as I miss being me.  In my own home, with my sentimental treasures that were packed away 18 months ago.

Ohhhhhh I miss my books.

 

Only part of my library.  The pure comfort in just looking at this photo-how I miss my library!!

It's been 18 months since the divorce and staging the house to sell...and the house has not yet sold.  My clothes are out, a few paintings are out...but I'm in Mesa, and I miss my home.  My things.  Silly, isn't it?

 

And I'm aching to reread a few favorites that are packed!!

So it's technically the anniversary of my wedding, but I'm not supposed to reminisce.

Yeah, right.

 

It's perfectly acceptable to remember this day, and this guy, and the wonderful memories associated with it because he died.

 

But wearing this dress and marrying that guy?

Not acceptable.

And interestingly enough, I never in 17 years of marriage (during which I was on Facebook for eight of them) did I ever upload a wedding photo of the King and I.

Isn't that telling?

Our wedding day was wonderful-I had a terrible head cold but I was so happy.  We married in the morning, and had an evening flight to Arizona - and we were upgraded to first class when they found out it was our wedding day.  In fact, the car rental place upgraded us, as did the Ritz Carlton in Phoenix.  

Huh.  Our first night of marriage was in Arizona, as was our last.  Interesting.

I was happy because I was no longer widowed.  Marriage to the King?  Sigh.

It was difficult.  Even when we were engaged.

 

He gives these things to Guippy...but never did to me.  It's a common comment that if he had treated me like he does his dog we'd still be married.

For 17 years I tried, and then I just gave up.

I still feel guilty.  I gave up on him.  I admit-I couldn't take it any longer.  For 17 years I poured into a Christian marriage...and nothing changed.  I was told to change.

And I have.

After I left.

 

This girl:)

As I prepare to embark on an epic journey of crazed solo camping and road trips through places I've not seen (oh yes, prepare for the over blogging to come) I realize he was right:  I did need to change.

But so did he.

Relationships that work accept the changes in each other...help each other through them.  There is gentle guidance, not harsh demands.

 He never told me this until after the divorce...and I couldn't believe him then as I no longer loved him.

Today, I look back on a day that was wonderful-the day a widow was a bride.

 In a filthy fuselage and soooo delighted.  Next time I marry, it'll be in Piestewa Peak in a pretty short white dress and minimus...or so goes the daydream that gets me through rotten hikes, terrible first dates and lonely nights.

On that day, more than anything-I had hope.

Hope for a new beginning, and the end of the sadness that had plagued me for two years.

Hope that Abbie would have a true daddy, and for more children.

Hope for happiness...and a love to last my lifetime.

Three out of six really isn't that bad....

 The Virgin Bride, 21 and naive.

 The Saucy Divorcee, 45 and needing to scratch the adventure itch.

I remember waking up at 22-23 years old, thinking how lucky I was to have such a life with the Knight.  His illness and death I did my best to handle...just like I'm trying now to handle unexpected singlehood.  The difference this time?

Last time, I saw marriage as the antidote to my sorrows.  This time?  

Remembering my wedding day, I see the signs of impending hardship.  I see the stubborn streak that kept me trying for so long.  But most of all I see a young widow, desperately seeking love.

It's not bad recalling a wedding day after a divorce.

Not when it shows you what to avoid the next time.  Not when I reveals the truth.  Not when it helps you see that now, more than ever, you have to be happy to just be me.

 I had to bail on Camelback yesterday...so today I'm heading to Piestewa.

 It's not though, sooooo....

Next week, on the 21st anniversary of the Knight's death, I'm taking off on an adventure.

Just me.

I have no 9-5 job (just Ride, and I can do that anywhere), no boyfriend and the kids are finishing th school year with their dad.  It's time I make sure I am healthy body, soul and mind....

So the next time I stand across from someone?  At a wedding up on a Peak? (Teehee!!! It's a pipe dream but it's MY pipe dream!!)  I'll be doing it for only one reason-to join my life's adventure with him.  Not for my happiness, or to end being a divorcee.  Not to just be married, or have someone in my life.  But to explore the life and changes together, however they may occur.

Next time? It's for keeps.

 Right here.  Those who sow in tears shall reap in joyful singing. Ps. 126:5