I’m getting married, and my wedding dress was bought 8lbs ago....
Yes, I bought my dress at 162.8 lbs at the end of February...and I now weigh 170.4lbs.
Well, I did this morning. After gorging on nachos, donuts and mint chocolate chip ice cream, I’m certain that number has risen.
My beautiful nemesis:)
The house, the house, the house....ohhh the house. It hasn’t sold as of yet (I, as always, have high hopes...today was yet another good open house) and the emotional and financial strain? At times my situation feels dire. At the end of February it was decided I needed to be in Prescott more, to make sure it sparkles and shined for every showing. At the same time, it made me reconsider Ride...and we are almost ready to pull our carts north, for the very first time.
My hand-drawn Ride Zone.
It’s full throttle time...and everything is out of wack. Rather than play a guilt trip over my eating habits, after 163 days of dieting successfully, I ditched it.
And promptly gained 10lbs.
I’m sucking in my stomach rather fiercely here...
We have no set wedding date, and the dress fitting me perfectly at 162lbs crossed my mind the other day. As my hope is to sell the house and marry sooner than later...I figured maybe I should do something about it again.
But my word I love my chips.
And mini palmiers.
And chocolate covered donettes.
Yep, and you can tell, too. (The Princess had her 16th birthday at Disneyland/California Adventure:)
I’m missing the Buckeye, my work load is huge (but very fun. I love working hard, maybe a bit too much) and I really, really hate that the King and I share the house. It’s at the point I can barely take it...my heart is in Phoenix. Nightly I lay awake by myself, wishing the Buckeye was by my side. As I struggle to find sleep, I’m reminded of those days three years ago, when I first contemplated divorce. I couldn’t sleep then, either.
These days there is litttle to count on except for the fact God is good, I’m loved by the Buckeye and I really love both the Buckeye and Ride. I can not control the sale of my home, and my responsibility is only to have the house in tip-top condition. So days like today, when I left the house spotless yesterday and find out the dog pooped in my closet before the open house today (thankfully my mother found it before she left!) and that the ex didn’t pickup after himself before he left....and I know I need to be there all the time....??
Screw the diet.
Where are my chips?
It’s been especially hard to relax this weekend, even after beating the Buckeye at K-1 racing (best overall score, best lap time and we both won one race:) Knowing things went wrong this morning mean I’m doubly on edge; my ongoing worry is the sale not happening will sabotage my engagement. While he reassures me that Semper Fi is a lifestyle, I can’t help but wonder how he is able to put up with my crazy life. The King couldn’t; he demanded I change. What’s to say this time around will be any different?
As I long for stability, I’ve given up on the last thing I added to my life: my diet, and the positive things it brought. I loved my clothes all beginning to fit, and I was nearly into my regular jeans before I started staying more in Prescott. Trying on shorts this morning, I was relieved all of them from early last summer fit; that definite was NOT the case by the end of summer!
I’m getting excited about my company again...
Right now, my desire is for a timeline. Everyone says I will look back and be amazed...but right now I’m fighting to stay above water. Fat helps with that, right??
Ugh.
Weight, work, finances, house....wedding. I’ve put the last one out of my mind for now. I’ll not stress about not knowing when it will be. Work is becoming more and more fun as I push it harder and harder. It’s almost a solace; the one thing in my life I can fully control. Yes, I could control my diet...but the diet doesn’t provide an income and it doesn’t help sell the house. So it is what it is....and it’s ok.
Once I have a wedding date, I can focus my efforts on my weight again.
Because by then I will have a sold house.
And it’s not worth worrying about until then.
Last year, right now.
A year ago right now, I was being patient with the Buckeye. I was so into him, and he wasn’t into me. I was financially stable, the house was for sale, and I was moving into my beloved cottage in Phoenix. I was about to skydive for the first time, and I took another leap of faith a few days later when I made the Buckeye dinner and a handmade gift. Emotionally I was still healing...my heart had been scarred and my business mojo was depleted. And yet, how did that work out?
Now? My mojo grows stronger daily, as does my business. The Buckeye and I are getting married, sometime this year. The house is still for sale, and I suppose that’s the item I’m patiently waiting on.
Nahum rocked my world yesterday. Read the rest of the chapter and see if you don’t agree:)
Today? Today I’ve almost lost it a dozen times. Every little thing seems like a mountain, and it seems the top of the precipice will never be reached. That I’m forever climbing without reward. And yet?
I’m challenged to start back on my diet sooner than later. To make better food choices...because I can control that. I need a healthy body and brain to get done what needs to be done...and donuts just keep me up at night.
Maybe the anti-diet is recognizing the fact that I can control more things in my life than I thought.
And neither do you :)🖖🏻
I’m starting to look for the superabundance...and I’m starting to see possibilities. One of those possibilities is me, hiking again. Eating right again. To make it the best life possible, right now, despite the emotional drain of the house and finances. It’s all a choice...and it’s all up to me.
Today, I drove a 28.885 seconds lap because I trusted I wouldn’t get hurt and I could test my ability. It was exhilarating, especially as I bested the Buckeye. But the minutes before we started? It’s how I feel all the time: stressed, wanting so badly to see things happen now, not later. To have assurance that I really am good; that my company can be a real game changer. Those minutes sitting in the cart ahead of my fiancé, knowing I was about to tear around a track at 45mph... I wanted so badly to prove to him not only I was his equal but one who could challenge him (in the best possible way) and I was so scared I’d fail at both tasks -those moments were daunting. Yet in mere seconds that fear was replaced by determination so fierce I surprised the Buckeye.
That guy-on the far left. Love him to the moon and back:)
As I hold tight to scripture as my source, I’m seeing more and more in my life that I can take charge of. I’m refusing to give into fear I can’t do it...and it all boils down to choices. I chose to lay down wedding planning until we have a date. I chose to lay down social media for a bit. I’m choosing to work daily, and the cart race reminds me of this last week...slow, then fast, than as fast as you’ll risk it.
I’m ready to risk it all in business...trusting I’m not going to be hurt anymore. I’m trusting my body if I fed it better and exercise I’ll get more out of it (and hopefully sleep!)
It’s time to up the anti....and push back at these circumstances. My Anti-Diet? I’m going to change all the things I thought I couldn’t.
At Groom Creek Schoolhouse, where we will wed:)
With God and this amazing man by my side, I know I can change the world. ❤️
