Tipping Point

I sold my house, and happiness did not come.

The storm did not let up.

My house sold, the GMIHC Learning & Tribute Center opened and I went to rodeo with my children.

Their expressions sum up my feelings:  skeptical, tired and smiling because you should.

I thought I was simply exhausted from the whirlwind of opening Ride, selling the house and opening the Center.  I headed to Seattle for the Special Olympics National Games, expecting some respite.

It was cold and raining.  I’m a Phoenician now, so....

Seattle was wonderful.  Absolutely the best decision I’ve made this year; which was made in early May to be there early on Sunday.  A leap of faith.

Because of this guy.  This was his dream 20 years in the making, and I got to be there for him.

All week, I cheered on Team AZ, delighting I was getting to know our guys all the better.

My favorite picture from the week.  After the Mariners game, walking back to the light rail.

The week ended with a few days of reconnecting with my man, and spending time with his best friend (and fellow coach) and his family.

Beautiful Seattle.

A surprise engagement (the groom-to-be is one of Gregg’s groomsmen....we affectionately call him our Scotch Bearer since he’s too old to bear rings...)

We soooo love many of the same things!  In the underground.

And while it was a wonderful trip, full of good memories, I couldn’t shake the fact I wasn’t happy.

Happy.  A joy from within that puts a smile on your face.  A knowing that all is right in the world.  My house had sold, and I should have been happy.  Instead, I was homeless...and it bothered me.  This was completely unexpected; feeling as if I was drifting.  Coming home to Phoenix meant there was nowhere in Prescott to return to, no place I could be at ease.  While technically the Buckeye’s home was my address, I really didn’t live there.  My stuff was in boxes, and I was merely a guest.  So I left, as planned earlier, for California.

Where the Princess and I enjoyed two days at Disneyland and Disney’s California Adventure, all paid for by her.

Please note where our hands are:)

Our two days of melting in the California sunshine then culminated in the two girls hitting the beach, and me helping the Buckeye’ BFF of 30+ years with a fundraiser for the Lazarex Foundation, which helps cancer patients.  

The Caretaker :)  She’s the female version of the Buckeye, and the Princess’s favorite new “Aunt!”  We were able to surprise her with an early birthday party, too.

Two weeks after the sale of my home, she and I stayed up late looking at wedding flower ideas.  While I loved helping, loved being in California and loved my newest friend, I “knew” I should be finding some happiness.  So much good was happening.

But I was tired.

And hot.  Good lord it’s been hot.  I’ve never sweated so much as I have the last two month.

I came “home,” and my darling Buckeye bought me a house.

And I noted my weight creeping up....

And work began in earnest.  Lots of work.

One of my many messes.

A chair I own in a house!!

And while all of my things were moved to the new house, it still seemed surreal.  I *was* thrilled to have such a gift!  I do love making the house a home.  But.

I had no joy.

I pondered this a lot; shutting off my beloved talk radio and custom-built playlists.  I had burst into tears frequently, and wondered if this wasn’t all a mistake.  I was tired, the Buckeye was worried, the Commander was being very commanding (I was reminded of the summer she graduated.  Good lord.) the Princess was torn, Manchild needed direction.  The house may have sold, but all around me, my people where in chaos.  My parents both took ill, and the wedding became something to stress over rather than enjoy.

One Friday the Buckeye had a nail-gun malfunction, and as I listened to his frustration while I painted the linen closet, I again quietly prayed.  

And scraped paint off of a vent for an hour, because it was therapeutic.

That night we came together, and agreed we needed to get back to church.  We decided to go the next night, which had been our custom for so long.

The next morning was a little lighter.

This incredible man of mine.  Cut trim and installed it for hours in 110°+ heat.

The Buckeye had been feeling as if God wasn’t present; while I had simply become worn down.  The sermon that night?  “Little Lies:  When God Seems Distant.”  The opening song for worship? One of my all-time favorites, “The Stand.”

In less than one hour, we both felt refreshed.

As we ate dinner, we admitted we had been spiritually depleted.  Having given and given, we had little left.  My lack of happiness was because I was enpty; his frustrations were similar.  We had both overextended ourselves in love to others, and while we loved doing so, we had not taken the time to refill.

Our prayer changed that night, and we committed to making the time for God.  

For He had been there all along, waiting to refresh us.

Waiting for us to turn our attention to Him.

On Sunday morning, I went to Home Depot, again.

About a 1/3 needs to be returned.  Really.

I did feel lighter in my soul, but I was still tired.  I was baffled by 45 year old wiring, and looked forward to an evening without paint involved....but still.

The Commander was still being commanding.  The Princess was still torn.  Manchild was still confused.  And regardless of your opinion of me, I’m still their mom.

As I thought about them, the Buckeye came to me in a rush.  “I’m going to sell my house,” he declared.

I was surprised; our original plan was to rent it.  As we talked, he felt more sure of it.  I was pleasantly surprised.  We finished up for the day, and chatted some more.  He called his realtor, and we begun to make plans.

It would be one more huge thing to deal with in the weeks coming up to the wedding.

And I was thrilled.

Returning the backup wedding dress to a posh store in painting clothes...with a true smile for a change.

The heaviness lifted as the Buckeye cut away his safety net, and threw in with me.

My soul’s weariness was trifold:  physically, the activity has been nonstop.  Mentally I’ve hoped for the best, but suspected some soul crushing blows were afoot.  Spiritually, I feel embattled.  Being patient.  Listening.  Being kind.  

It’s not easy always being kind.

As my house becomes my home, and I blend my things with his, I can sense change.

We are now 5 weeks into the remodel, and hopefully I am finish his house today to go on the market tomorrow.  The blessing of the remodel has been multiple:  I learned (again) that my source of strength is in God, the reasons past relationships have failed and to have a backbone.  I learned that I love remodeling (even those other don’t) and could easily make this my life’s work.  I learned patience does pay off, and that the peace that passes all understanding is a very real thing.

Even when your bathroom looks like this...there can be peace.

Peace, many times, is a choice.  A choice to trust God, and to trust your partners around you.  Peace comes when that trust is based on promises that are yea and amen, scriptures proven again and again.

As I’ve delved deeper into choosing to trust God that I am on the right path, a deep calm has enveloped me.  I see glimpses of the happiness that will be my future.  Soon these days of being apart will have ended, and we will be married...

Very soon if we have one of these!!!

No, I’m not happy with life when everyone around me seems to be in chaos.  But I have a peace that I don’t understand, and with that I’m thoroughly blessed.  These days are few...very few.  

Yes.

My strength comes from Christ, and His sacrifice.  It’s ok that I’m not happy-I’m also not depressed.  It’s ok that I’m getting through each day-because I’m accomplishing a lot.  It’s ok because I am content.

Content.

So many definitions I could identify with!!

I have a home.  It’s becoming beautiful.  Soon I’ll be joined here by my husband....my, that’s a word I’ve not used in three years...and have both my daughters here (and a son on weekends!). Yes, I’m content with this lot.

There’s more I wish for, and more I desire-especially for Ride-but it’s ok.  At this very moment, it’s ok.

And I’ll keep trusting the Lord it will be.

Tetelestai

Sold.

That happy moment with my dear friend and agent:)

The THREE YEAR journey was over.

In the summer of 2015, the King and I were in marriage counseling.  Daily life was a struggle, and our gorgeous home, 12 miles out of town, was a bit too big and a bit too far away.  We decided a sale would give us a fresh start, reduce our debt and move us closer to the kids’ schools and activities.

I packed all my books away in August 2015.

And life handed me lemons.  For three long years.

We listed the house for sale in October, but I moved out within days.  I asked him to come after me, and he chose not to.  I filed for divorce in November, and 60 days later, it was granted.  Five days later, the King moved to the valley, leaving behind both younger children, and the house to me.  I fired our realtor, and hired a new one.

The first offer on the house fell through in March 2016, due to the well needing to be shocked.

I received a summons for jury duty that day...

...and got fired from my job the very next day.

To the King’s credit, he paid the bills until I got another job.

But this entrepreneur couldn’t just get a job.  She had to start a company.  Ride was born two years ago, because I had jury duty in Phoenix, and rode on a golf cart in Old Town Scottsdale.

By August, our second listing of the house had ended, and we moved on to realtor #3.

Surely it would sell, right? (Please note the kittens playing in the background.  The joy they gave me during those difficult days was immeasurable!)

Money got very tight, as I worked my 40hr a week job plus struggled to pay my new company bills.  We decided to refinance the house, and took it off the market.  Amazingly, we qualified.  The next month? The King quit his job to start a new company, the very same week I quit my day job to focus solely on Ride.

I also had a first date with this guy right around the same time....

With Ride operating in Scottsdale and the King based in Prescott, we decided to “switch places.” I took over his apartment with the Commander, and he moved back into the house that still hadn’t sold.  When I’d come up for the weekend to be with the kids, he’d head back to Mesa.  It wasn’t ideal, but as always, the kids were the priority.  They loved our home, so we let them stay there.

The Princess at Cinderella’s Castle’s Wishing Well in March 2017.  When I threw in my coin, I cannot recall if I wished for my house to sell or for true love.

Kinda guessing it was for true love. ❤️ 

April was when my test of faith began, as I decided to trust God and do the unimaginable.

Can I repeat once again that NEVER, EVER in my life had I ever wanted to skydive?!?

The pure joy...!!!

It was this lesson in faith- to listening to the still, small idea to skydive that formed as I cried out in prayer-that would stand as a testament for the next year. I learned when I trusted God’s will, I had no fear.

The wonderful, wonderful cottage days began, but they’d soon too quickly end.

The peach orchard and my dictionary...Tuesday night dinners and sabbatical days.

For three months, I made new habits, broke old ones and thoroughly fell in love with one gruff, funny, outspoken and tenderhearted former Marine, the Buckeye.

June 23rd, Tombstone.  We forever laid to rest any fears in this cemetery.

And then the house again became a priority.

The King and I could no longer afford the mortgage and live in two separate locations as we had done.  While my business was slowly growing, it wasn’t growing quickly enough.  The sale became tantamount-both the King and I needed it to happen financially, and increasingly, I needed it emotionally.  I had found my match, and wanted to be tied only to him.

The storms that awaited us....sigh.

So I moved back to Prescott, and into the house I still owned with the King...and we both lived there again.  Two years after we’d packed up, we were still there.

I rented a storage unit, and took all those packed up books to there.  I began to remodel the house, and took it off the market.  Using the failed buyer’s inspection, I went through the list repairing each and every item, while painting and contracting repairs like mad.

And this?  It went to this:

And this?

To this:

And we engaged realtor #4.  Who brought us an offer, made three unforgivable mistakes, and lost the offer right after Thanksgiving.  I fired him, and brought back realtor #3.

I was so in love...surely another offer would happen right away, right?  Because by now, it was the house that was keeping us from taking the next step.

And in a leap of faith, the Buckeye threw caution to the wind, and proposed exactly one year after our first date.  He re-enacted the entire date, and proposed at dinner before we celebrated at Supercross:)

But the house didn’t sell.

We picked our location, but no date.  Couldn’t pick that until the house sold.  So we waited.

And every month, I didn’t have enough to pay bills at the beginning of the month.  By faith, I worked hard each month to make it work...and every month, I had enough money to make it.

For six months, I had enough. 

Then in May, while barely scraping by and Ride finally launching in my hometown, I crumpled.  I could no longer live with a noose around my future.

No sleep, no hikes, no future.

I asked the Buckeye to set a date, without selling the house first.  After careful consideration, we picked September 8th.  Far from jubilant; I also cried, wept, tried to hike more, prayed, worked 14 hour days and held on to hope.  One week later, we had an offer.

One week later, I had enough money to get half way through June...but not the full month.

 But this time?  This time I started packing.

And packing.

And curating....

Because in June, we were opening the GMIHC Learning & Tribute Center. 

And Ride became very popular as well, which meant someone needed to try and sabotage her.  We are at over $1000 in vandalism repairs.

So the last two weeks...it’s been a wild ride.  A successful (but expensive repair-wise) new business, packing and moving an entire home, a closing and an opening, less than 24 hours apart.

I am humbled to have been a servant to this.

Last night I saw the Buckeye before he left for the Special Olympics National Games in Seattle.  I’ll join him there tomorrow, after another busy day of making things work.

The last morning at my old house.

Three years.  Three years ago, I packed up my treasured belongings, hoping beyond hope for a new start with the King.  Now in a healthy relationship with the Buckeye, I can see with hindsight how bad my marriage was, and how unhealthy we both had become.  The King always told me I needed to change, and he was right (to a certain extent.  We BOTH needed to change.)  This three year journey has taught me many things...

1) Praying for your house to sell is like praying for your team to win.  I don’t think it works that way.

2) Don’t allow circumstances to dictate your future.  You control your future, not your circumstances.

3) Patience is exhausting.  I think it may be like exercise:  you need to exercise it frequently so it doesn’t completely wear you out in the long run.

4)  Past relationships will always affect the present one...but the effects don’t have to be damaging.  Learn from them.

5)  You don’t always feel jubilant after you get what you’ve worked so hard for.  Sometimes you just are tired.

6)  God never failed me or left me without financial support for six months.  Every month the books said there wouldn’t be enough.  Every month, there was.  The choice to walk by faith and trust God was just that-a choice to move forward.  Had I not skydived and had no fear, I doubt I could have accomplished this.

Tetelestai:  it is finished.  Paid in full.

God surely provided all my needs, according to His riches in glory.  

Thank you, God.  It is to Him all the glory and honor is due!