Unlikely to Change

I finally went to Disneyland, after living on the west coast for six years.

 The Princess and her friend at Sleeping Beauty's castle, Disneyland.

I went due to a rushed decision; one I made in haste last week in a moment of stress.  The Princess had called from Michigan, distressed.  She's 15, and these days are full of being 15...how well I remember them.  When I was 15, I visited Arizona for the first time and desperately wanted to move there.  I longed to feel like a normal teenager, which was difficult at 5'10" (I wouldn't grow my final inch until 16) and clothing in the store no longer fitting in length.  I would have loved a boyfriend, but that required talking to boys (something I had no courage to do) and I had the travel bug-bad.  That trip to Arizona had lit the fire in me to travel...I just needed to figure out how.

Interesting how I try to use travel to solve issues to this day...

So she's distressed, I'm stressed by the house still being unsold and various other issues I cannot control and I blurt out I'll take her to Disney the following week to calm her down.

 

Pretty sure it has not helped with my stress level...

 

Even though it did wonders for hers.

After I promised the quick trip I immediately regretted it; the hours of driving alone would be challenging as I've been overwhelmingly tired as of late.  But in my heart I knew it wasn't a bad decision-we would stay with a friend, and the only cost was gas, food and admission.  She stayed true to her word and never asked for anything extra...and memories were made.

 

"Hyperspace" Mountain...good lord.  Space Mountain will always be Space Mountain!

 

Splash Mountain was NOT the best idea...!

In the end...I do not regret the rushed decision.  The reassurance it provided at the moment, the anticipation it gave and the memories now secured made it worthwhile.  I had the time-a very rare commodity-and spent it on my youngest.  Not a bad thing, and definitely a good thing.  I let the girls take off for several hours by themself (while I found a rare outlet and charged my phone) and ended up working on Ride for a few hours-and was inspired with new ideas.  Indeed, I feel a new fire burning in my belly that was not there before-I look forward to getting home and working on it.  It's a new strategy, and it's very much based on things I saw at Disney....so I have to admit, perhaps that rushed decision may payoff.

Skydiving certainly did:)

 Still reaping the benefits of that one!

I'm writing out the ideas I have for Ride this morning, delighted by the surprise to come out of the impromptu Disney visit.  My life has been full of surprises as of late; just like I was surprised in free fall to find the parachute had opened and deployed with no issues, so too, I have been surprised by love.

 The Princess said I looked scandalous....

The Buckeye had business in Denver last week; dropping him off at the airport I commented I should pick him up in a steampunk outfit as we'd cancelled our comicon plans the week before.  Amazingly to me, he loved the idea...and again I marveled at being with a man who so "got me."  

In the end, I opted for a 1950's halter dress I had purchased for $8 at a local thrift store:

 

It's red.  Not scarlet and grey!

While I loved dressing up for him; I was quite surprised by the reaction from others.  From double takes, coffee discounts and many compliments...apparently my choice in wardrobe did more than delight my new boyfriend.  He says I'm beautiful, and I'm still not used to hearing that...I've never considered myself to be such.  I always assumed the double takes and lookovers were because I was so oddly tall and weird looking.

Really.

Come on.  This is sooo me, and so not attractive:)

Regardless of the truth, it matters not.  What matters is we've fallen in love...that parachute not only opened and deployed, but I'm entirely enjoying this ride under canopy.  I'm finding that this is entirely new...it's been more than 20 years I've experienced such a ride and being older and wiser, it's different.  My sister, who visited last week, assures me this is normal.

As in, I'm not used to normal behavior by others...and this is what I find new.

 

It was wonderful to spend time as sisters...a rare commodity as we live at opposite sides of the country.

She brought her daughter for an impromptu Memorial Day weekend visit; it was wonderful spending time with family and showing off my favorite state in the union.  The Wizard is 9, and probably the most delightful 9 year old ever to exist.

 She writes "Thank you very much" for the waitresses on the coloring sheets before she goes!

A trip to the Canyon with our mother reminded me of how much I missed hiking it; my lungs lack of participation has been very frustrating.

 Six years ago she broke her back and was diagnosed with cancer.  While she had a miraculous healing from the cancer, her back healed slowly over time.  She went from being unable to walk and needing constant pain medication to walking and now starting to hike.  A true Grand Canyon hike is her dream.

 

One of my most favorite places on the planet; what a delight to share it!

My sister's rushed decision to come also paid huge dividends, and I am challenged to remind myself that spontaneity doesn't have to die as I work on changing life habits.  Balance is key in so many things-as is maintaining peace.

I'm finding in these rocky waters of things I cannot change I have peace when I rest in God's promises.  The house sale weighs heavily on my heart, as it has consequences strewn from it that are daily challenging me to stay calm.  An unexpected source of balance, however?  The Buckeye.  As I weigh what to share for fear of rejection, he assures me he isn't going anywhere...an assurance I find I need.  I know I lost things before by rushing things...and I worry sharing problems is the same sort of thing.  I'm unused to being supported...and again, I hear my sister telling me I'm not used to normal. 

I'm also not used to being inspired.

 Especially by a buckeye!  Good lord....

Ok.  I feel better now.  Go Blue!

Tuesday night at Disney while I sat charging my phone, I chatted with the Buckeye about my rushed decision to come.  He offered no sympathy, nor did I expect or want any.  As he went down the list of my stressors he threw in Ride....

And I caught it.

I repented after getting off the phone, asking God to give me new vision for my business that has frustrated me for months.  It's not duplicatable in its current form; to see my vision for it come to fruition it must be so.  As the Main Street Square swelled with people I thought about how traveling and tourism is changing, and pondered the business anew...remembering an old idea and playing with it.  The next day I spent time chatting with Norita, who we were staying with, and who also was once part of my lia sophia team.

 So needed the time with this girlfriend.

As we brainstormed I realized one of the things I had lacked was people to talk business with-foils for my many ideas.  As we enjoyed idealic Idyllwild, which would work so amazingly with Ride, I could see some small steps I could take to move things along.  With my Disney inspiration and fresh ideas from the mountains of California bolstering me, I headed back to Phoenix, suddenly no longer exhausted.

The last 30 minutes of the journey the Buckeye talked me home; we shared ideas for a project we hoped to work on soon.  While I know being newly in love the rose-colored glasses are firmly in place, I also rest in this:  we became friends first.  Love did not blossom until five months into our relationship; after we'd had our first fight, and had dealt with each other sick, disappointed and under stress.  Looking back on our history I see a solid foundation that was built in those months...and I'm amazed.  

I honestly did not believe I'd fall in love and be so loved in return.  As my sister said, I am not used to normal.  I'm used to fighting for approval, fighting to prove I'm worthy of affection.  Even with the Knight I was not his number one...we were young, and immaturity played a part in that (which in hindsight I believe would have changed in time, had he lived.)  In the last hard years with the King I often wondered what it would be like to have a partner who supported me, and fervently prayed for that in my marriage.  As I came to understand it would not be, and the hurts became almost too much to bare, I gave up on ever having that.  It would have to be just me, right?

 Afterall, I had found exercising alone to be more to my taste. No one was there to see my mistakes.

Somethings I do do better alone, it's true.

For the last nine years, I've struggled to do much alone.  The sorrow and sadness, frustrations and fears of those days is fading quickly, as new dreams and hopes emerge and sprout.

 

Me and Adela, Norita's precious little one.  So delighted to finally meet this wee lass.

Please Buy This House!

While these days have challenges out of my hands (the house!  Please pray and share the link!!) I am finding increasingly I can trust one set of hands to always be on my side, that of the Buckeye's.  I'm finding that support to be inspiring in many ways...and I'm learning  that this time I may not have to fear the future.

 

Planning on it.

And that's unlikely to change:)