Failure Is

I did not wear my beloved Max Mara dress on Saturday night.

 

I wore this one instead.

And loved it.

For the first time in five weeks, I saw the hard results of Pilates.  My legs are starting to look fantastic-and the smile on my face shows my delight.

Earlier, I had on spanx and the Max Mara.  It fit, and was acceptable to wear. However, it was not comfortable-and the hips of the skirt inched up at the waist, looking for more room.  Digging through my closet I came up with this $20 clearance purchase I had made a month or so before, and tried it on with my equally fabulous Stuart Weitzman sandals.

I still cannot get over my legs.

Today I had a conflict with my Pilates.  I had double booked myself, and I easily could have cancelled.  Add to it the fact that this is beyond a doubt one of the most difficult weeks of my life....I so didn't want to go.  It gets harder every time as I add in the six elements, and the weights heavier.  With an overburdened heart and the knowledge that I had a triple FFF failure I moved my appointment up, and still went.  I made the decision later to skip what was a potentially risky thing and took a nap.

No, I don't feel better.

Exercise did not help my mood.

Talking did not help.

 

Tonight.  It helped a wee little.

I'm not hungry.

I'm tired.

Tired of still being bound by lives no longer partnered with mine.  Tired of hoping, and never seeing that hope reached.  Tired of giving and being kind, only to be walked on.

 

But this.

It keeps popping up.  

 

As does this.  I love this.

And I hear myself say yet again-"let me do that for you."

All because I want to bless.

It's the cry of my heart to give.

To forgive.

 

Pears in Prescott.  I was pleasantly surprised.

Yesterday I had a crushing blow, coming hard on the heels of being unjustly towed.   Add to it today, having my heart ripped again in two after having hope spring anew.

Pilates did not help my heart or my soul.

But it did help my guns, my legs and my core.

 

It was a bittersweet night.

No, I didn't get into my beloved Max Mara.  That's ok. I felt beautiful.  No, I didn't have the fairytale I hoped for.  Still teary-eyed over that.  No, things are not how I want them, and it's a time of great flux.

But I'm getting stronger.

I can control that.

For now, I'll take that.