Bitter Pills

Well, I wasn't expecting this, either.

 I had just had two significant asthma attacks when I took this.

So the Air Monster is more than just exercise induced asthma.  Apparently, I've likely had very mild asthma my entire life.

And I just assumed I was out of shape.

 Always ready to go...

I hate pills.  Hate 'em.  You may recall the entire reason I started the quest was to overcome Post Concussion Syndrome...I didn't want to take pills.

Oh, and then there's that.

A prescription for Zoloft, too.

 To think, I don't need to hike/run in freezing weather.  I can just take a damn pill....

I've debated it for several days now.  I went to my most recent concussion follow up, and that's when I talked about needing a rescue inhaler.  Except upon further study, my doctor diagnosed mild asthma.

Dammit.

I only asked because the Air Monster scared me significantly on Sunday.  I was alone on the trail, almost done, and suddenly I could not breathe.  

Not once, but twice.

Surely it's just because I'm not in shape, right?

I had sucked down three bottles of water, trying to open up my throat.

So, this one...I can't solve this one without help.  Last night I took the first pill, irritated and angry.  An inhaler was temporary, until I got into shape.  Supposedly the pill might be.

I'm going to exercise more now.  If I have to take a damned pill--I'm going to get my money out of it.

Swimming is my next stop.  Buying that dang wetsuit. Sourcing locations and times.

And I'm listening to music that gives me chills.

I'm in love with Brahms....

The Zoloft?  Well, I'm weepy from the concussion.  Damn emotional from the knock on the head.  I don't need an anti-depressant for that.  But the trouble focusing?

I admit, it's hard to stay focused.  

Add in the stress of daily life (oh, the working 60+ hours, being a single parent with 100% custody, the ex, etc...) and the doctor said Zoloft.

I say better diet, more music and more exercise.

 If I could do this with a broken hand and mild asthma...

While I "get it" I refuse to take a magic pill.

Please don't be offended--it has great value and I am very glad it's available.  There are times in life we simply cannot take the bull by the horns.

But I still can.  I must.  Everything in me is repelled by taking any pill (the vitamin rant we will just not get into)--and for something I still could control through lifestyle changes?

I have to try.  

I admit I've been moody.  A damn knock on the head does that, especially when you add in my life.

 

Not that driving around Englishmen from York is a hardship...😊

So the plan...add more exercise.  Very likely swimming, utilizing the resources I have available through work.  At 5am, at least once a week.  Trail running twice a week.  Add more music...at work, we have Brahms and his fellow composers.  My daily food...ugh.  Might need to go grocery shopping.

What I CAN control:  what I eat, how much I exercise, what I listen to.  I can also control the Air Monster with a little pill.  After 45 years of thinking I was out of shape, I learn its how my body was made.  It saddens me to think it was just enough to keep me from doing, but not enough for anyone to notice.  I can also control how I run Ride, how I organize my day and what order I work on projects.

What I CANNOT control:  other people, and projects assigned.

Well, it looks like control is significantly in my favor.

 I can also control the color of my hair...😇

For now, I'm working on what I can control.  Other people can come or go--I'm just letting them.  It's Christmastime, and it's a beautiful season.  So what if I hate this needs assessment, I have Brahms and  Roam Your Home.  It's all good.

And you'll note...I'm fully capable of doing it alone.

UPDATE:  I had an allergic reaction to the Singulair, a nice pink rash, itching and it felt like someone sat on my chest most of yesterday.  So that's that.  No magic pill to breathe.  

I'm so very disappointed.  I want to do more, not less.  I did go pick up some In Tune by doTerra, it did help with concentration after my last concussion.  As for breathing?  Sigh.  We shall see.

 

Watering Rocks

Fie.  I actually used the word "fie" naturally in a sentence.

 Let's just say I wasn't happy when I said it.

Yesterday was one of those days were you look back and say, "at least everyone is healthy."  One ridiculous thing after another hit, and two relationships were rocked.  Add in the undeniable smell of hot wood and not being able to identify the source late into the night?  I was exhausted.  Stressed.

And then I woke up wanting to run.  This still surprises me.  I've never woke up wanting to exercise, ever!

Well.  Yeah.  But that's different.  It doesn't involve getting out of bed...😜

The issue this morning was it was cold.  Very cold.

And it was going to snow....❄️❄️❄️

Let's refresh our memory for a moment.  Remember how I hate exercise?

I hate cold more.

Love the song, HATE the cold.

With four ten hour days ahead of me, I knew I had to get the run in today.  My BFF Kim had told me this summer "there's no bad weather if you're properly dressed" and I heeded that, dressing in three layers.  Hat on and gloves in hand, I hit my current favorite trailhead.

 Granite Mountain National Wilderness

I had updated my playlist, keeping in mind a recent study on neurochemistry and music.  

 

Yes, I'm a geek.  Leave my rarely used science degree alone!

I had high expectations for this run.  Thursday's run had been good, and I knew my lungs had to be adapting.  Add in my cool new playlist, and I was going to rock this run.

Not.

The Live Fitness Quest Rant Using The Word Fie In A Sentence

Yeah.  Well.  I was hurting.

I had lower calf cramps and I couldn't breathe.  My feet stuck to the muddy trail and I couldn't find the right gait.  I had forgotten my sunglasses, and I was already too hot.  Misery had set in with lightening speed.

Apparently my neurochemistry was off, too.

Ugggghhhh.

So, instead of turning back, I walked.  The great thing about teaching myself trail running is there is NO JUDGEMENT.  I can walk, sit, rest, whine, complain, do whatever because no one is there to be annoyed by it.

 No gloves necessary, and my coat was gone at this point, too.

The cramps persisted...and at the trail turn I regrouped.

Love the successful hiding of my red nose.

The research I'd been reading on neurochemistry & music suggested music that gave "chills" had the most powerful effect on the brain.  That in mind, I adjusted my playlist.  The Stand came on, and I picked up the pace again.

One cannot imagine away pain.

I like to call myself the perfect placebo, as I don't believe in anything working.  I'm skeptical, and hate medicine of all sorts (and never, ever get me started on vitamins.)

The pain was gone.

Now, I still couldn't breathe, but the cramping let up quickly.  Was it the music?  Or the fact that at this point I was fairly well hydrated after sucking down over a bottle of water?  More field research is necessary, and I admit to being utterly fascinated.  

 

 I thought loose dirt was hard. Mud is worse.

At the midpoint I took a breather.  The cramps were gone, and I was breathing easier.  In fact, I realized I had to make a logistical decision I rather dreaded.

I needed to go potty.

When I couldn't breathe and was in pain, I didn't even notice the growing pressure.  Now that that was all under control, I found I had to find a rock.

Ugh.

Males have NO IDEA how difficult this decision is.  Several years ago, I learned it was easier to perch on a rock seat to find relief...ugh.

My business complete, I pressed on to finish the second half of the trail.  Cramps, breathlessness, peeing in the woods...it was not the run I had been expecting.

 Indeed.

My prior three runs, my focus was learning technique and spending time in worship.  Today, despite my newly cultivated worship playlist, my focus was more on staying warm and improving my performance.  My expectations were higher than before.

It was sooooo unpleasant.

Focus.  I had removed the pleasure receptor component to focus on technique...with considerably poorer results. The adjustment of adding the "chills" music readjusted my focus, and things improved.

More research is needed.

 My pile of all the things I took off during the run.

 The evidence of stress still fully visible.

At home, I am vain as ever, enjoying the quickly tightening muscles.  I am challenged by this morning's adventure; wondering where I need to make adjustments.  I note how much stronger I am, but question if this effort is duplicatable.  

 The number one lesson I took from 12 years in business.

It was a good run because it's done.  

But there's so much more to learn.

Picking up my Feet

I was determined not to fall.

 My playground.

Learning to trail run is not easy.  It not running, it's not a fast walk/hike, it's just...different.  It requires a remarkable amount of thought, and I'm still figuring a lot out.

 Sunday's gouge on my thigh turned into a wicked bruise.  The knee also bruised and swelled overnight, I limped most of Monday.

Like any other new thing, I researched it online.  Well, maybe after I fell twice.  I texted the Scientist to get his opinion-he told me I needed to make sure I picked up my feet.

Pick up my feet.  Like a marching band?

Hmmmm.

Heading out, I ran 100yds before I felt my throat constricting.  I dropped to a walk, and sucked down some water.  The Air Monster I now knew to be exercise induced asthma, and I was determined to defeat it.  I'd walk, then run, taking care to always run up the hills and walk the flats--I was learning to run solely on the pad of the foot (ideal for a minimus show wearer, and also amazing at preventing ankle rolls and knee injuries.)  I stopped to answer a text, and saw this:

 

And twenty yards later, this:

Soon I was seeing hearts everywhere, so I had to stop and text this:

As it was such a glorious day, and I wanted to share.

 Note how easy this looks.  Soooo deceiving.

So this trail...it's a great trail to learn on.  #1, I'm super familiar with it, having hiked it for five years.  #2, it's got cool bits but it's also got flats.

This is "flat."

 This is not.

 This is very much a normal part of trail. 

  And sometimes you see things resembling squirrel brains...

I noted that 20 minutes in I hit "cruising altitude" and my breathing became less of an issue.  However, my ability to do any of it?

My music.

Specifically, my Jesus music.

Several years ago, I heard a sermon that we all connect differently to God.  Some through prayer, worship, bible study, service/ministry, nature.  Instantly I understood why my mother and a few others always pushed daily scripture and prayer time on me--it was how they connected to God.  Me?  Nature and worship.  Always.  I was the girl who bought worship music to simply listen to in daily life, specifically Hosanna and Hillsong.  The last few years that's changed, as the newer worship songs we sing aren't as...meaningful?  Or perhaps my sporadic church attendance has something to do with it?

Yeah, well.  That's a quest of a different kind.

So my first run not quite two weeks ago was only because I had skipped church, and was missing time with God.  Hitting the trail that day, intended to talk it out (i.e. pray), not run it out.  Hallelujah got to me (as it always does) as I know full well the meaning of the word:  God is great.  As I repeated the refrain my spirit swelled...if my God was great, and He promised I could do all things....

That's when I made the connection that worship music was a pleasure receptor.  I am most inspired during worship.  So I combined it with exercise...and had incredible, immediate results.

My desire to hit the trail is two fold:

1. Worship 
2. Trail running 

I've missed worship desperately.  I connect best to God in nature.  Now add in a necessary component for health.

The result:  a trifecta.  Spirit, soul & body are fed.

Oh to keep this up.

My legs are changing rapidly...I never lost the muscle I developed in Pilates this summer.  Now they are toning up in lightening speed.  I can feel the changes...and I'm vain.  I love it.  My weight is still way too high (I'm near pregnancy final weight so this is freaking me out) and only one pair of jeans fit-ugh.  But.  It's early.  I'm not quite two weeks in.  I still can't breath, for crying out loud. I only run 1/3-1/2 of the hike.  That will change...

Of course, it's nearly winter.

I can do this.

I must.

Running into the Law

"In a relationship, intelligence is knowing what has happened in the past.  Wisdom is how you approach it, and focus should be on the future, not the past.

I think."

 Hmmmmm.

I've been chewing on that trifecta I discovered earlier this week, and texted the above to an acquaintance.  This theory, or hypothesis if you will (just what IS the better term?  My science is rusty!) is that the three working together give the best results.  In anything!  Business, relationships, exercise.

Exercise.

I was thwarted yesterday.  I got off early, and had but one Ride task to attend to.

 Instead of a run, I looked at this for an hour.

It took me that full hour to notice what was wrong, too. 😂😂

By the time I was finished, sunset was in twenty minutes...and I was fifteen minutes from the trailhead.

Sigh.

 Right there with ya, kid.

As I mulled over intelligence (is this something we are born with?  Can it be cultivated?) vs. wisdom (only gained by experience?  Can it be taught?) I noted my focus was again on something I did not have:  time.

 

And yet I own a time machine....

Time.  Slowing down.

Enjoying what is, right now.

 No caption necessary.

Last week, I met a man for the first time.  He left quite the impression, and I've not stopped thinking about him since.  By Monday, my overactive brain had already over analyzed every detail...and I desperately sought some control.  Mentioning that fact in happenstance to Russ, he backed me right up to it.

"Why do you need control?  Can't you just slow down and enjoy whatever the outcome is?"

 He's a plant killer, but he was right.

I can enjoy a journey even if the outcome isn't what I desire.

All I have to do is change my focus.

 

Their focus is laser sharp:)

Since January, my focus has been on the fact that I have "no control" until May 21, 2020.  That's the day after my youngest graduates; now unwittingly being in 100% custody of my two youngest I "know" I'll be "stuck in Chino" until then.

But what if.

What if I slowed down and relaxed.  Enjoyed this journey as never before.  Instead of searching for what I desire, what if I just enjoyed the ride, regardless of the outcome.

 Pure and utter joy, these two.

Right now, I'm suffering from one of the worst cold sores I've ever had.  Heavy stress always ends in an outbreak, this one (despite taking anti-viral, abreva and lysine!) is literally driving me away from the crowds.  For although I learned long ago to still have confidence while looking grotesque (this is NOT and exaggeration) I simply don't want to have to expose others to what they can't unsee!!  That said, on this Thanksgiving Day, I am taking stock of what it (and all other things) in my life mean:

The stress I created by focusing on what I don't have (freedom to leave, a healthy romantic relationship, a job that I'm actually qualified for vs over qualified for, time for my business...just to name a few!) eliminated the joy of what I do have:  a beautiful home in my favorite place on earth, many very healthy friendships,  a job that allows me tremendous creative freedom (plus four tens!) and a blossoming new venture. Slowing down actually allows me to better structure my time, but the kick in the pants this week was Russ' words:

"Why do you need control?  Can't you just slow down and enjoy whatever the outcome is?"

 A desired outcome, as enjoying a scarlet and grey bumper sticker on my vehicle if they lose rather questionable, but the rivalry smack talk with Flyboy?  Priceless.

Long ago, I learned to never base my happiness on a football team's ability to win or lose.

 But this?  This is hysterical!

I'm learning now that no matter how much intelligence I have, unless I apply wisdom to a situation, and focus on a) what needs/has to be done b) solutions/actions to such needs and c) taking accountability for the outcome regardless of what it is happiness will be elusive.

Amazing the influence of a man I just met last week.

Interestingly, I've not talked to him since.  A few texts, nothing more.  In the past, my heart would have been crushed.  

Not anymore.

I'm enjoying my journey.  Perhaps he will appear again, or perhaps it was just a stop along the way.  My desires are genuinely irrelevant-if it's not shared there's no need to dwell on it.  It matters not that he ticked all my boxes, or that there was chemistry and a spark.  If it works, I'll be delighted.

What matters now is the fact I'm enjoying this outcome.

Intelligence, wisdom & focus.

Thank you.

Falling on Rocks

When you work four tens, you don't get to hike in the fall on work days.

 

Because your day starts in the dark, and ends in the dark.

It wasn't a bad week.  I ached to try trail running again, and thought about incorporating a "learn to run" program into my Roam Your Home initiative....you know, mixing work with pleasure:)  I had leadership training and busy days instead; the next thing you know it's Friday morning, and I'm waking up in a hotel in Scottsdale.  My first thought?  There's a pool downstairs, and I want to swim.

 Unfortunately, this has yet to be purchased, and I was loathe to give up my cosy nest...

Three hours later I finally got up (yeah for light-blocking curtains!) and immediately dressed for a run. Afterall, I was in the valley!  It was warm (not!) and trails abounded!

I also apparently had a business to run.

 ....alas my focus was on other things?!

The next 36 hrs tested my entrepreneurial metal; never before had I so strongly desired to walk away.  

Being rear-ended did NOT help, but I'm pretty certain I avoided a concussion.  I think.

Thankfully, I DO own a golf cart taxi business...

 ...and it's kinda impossible to not have fun behind the wheel!

While driving, I acknowledged the fact I need to write driving into my business plan, for multiple reasons.  It was like hitting my head and waking up with an epiphany (it's debatable if my car accident earlier accounted for any of it)--I was noticing multiple facets of the business I had missed my last time out.

It also made me realize how far off of my business plan I was.

The night grew more stressful, and a text from a friend prompted me to call it a night.  As day dawned, I knew I had to sort out the jumbled mess of tangled emotions bombarding every thought.

 Dreamy Draw?  Love the network of friends I can pull from.

 Trail 100.

 The middle of Phoenix.

I fell in love.

Again.

Hiking first, then running sections, the Trail 100 wrapped me in its grasp.  The topography was different, dotted with saguaro's and far rockier than my central highland trails.  As I put a mile, and then two behind me, the knots melted and my spirit relaxed.

So was it a heel strike or a toe strike?  Sheer balance?  Hands where?  Slow/fast?  

I couldn't believe it when I fell, tripping first and unable to catch myself as the loose rocks shifted under my right foot and I came crashing down on my right hand and left knee.

I must say, the gouges on the water bottle were impressive.  

At first I thought I only had scrapes.  No visible blood, so I dusted myself off and started up again.

Only my knee wasn't too happy.

Sitting down on some shredded rocks to better access the damage, I was distracted by my ringing phone.  There amongst the broken rocks, I talked out my business frustrations, including my inability to stay upright on the trail.  Earlier we had discussed the differences between intelligence and wisdom, now a third component was added to the mix:  focus.

Um, yeah.  Kinda missing that as of late.

😳

Readjusting my perch, I settled in and decided what needed to be done now, focusing on reasonable solutions for the short term.  Remarkably, the tension slipped away, and terms were readily agreed upon.

Hm.

Focus, eh?

Walking back to the car, I noted the dark spot on my thigh.  Peeling my running capri's up, I saw the 4" gouge for the first time.  It wasn't bad, but I marveled how I could have missed it.  Once again, my focus had been elsewhere.

Driving back home, I mulled over intelligence, wisdom and focus.  How was this trifecta to best be applied to my business....and alternately, to my fitness quest and life beyond? While I had temporarily bandaged my business, I needed a workable plan.  SMART goals needed updating, and my focus had to shift from problems to solutions.  That balance seemed satisfactory, and my mind drifted to the quest.

Trail running had surprised me; by tapping into the pleasure receptors of my brain with my Jesus music, I had been able to maintain something I truly believed impossible my entire life.  The added complexity of trail running intrigued me; interestingly, I thought it quite funny and almost found joy in the fact that I had fallen repeatedly.

 Yep.  Right there with you.

You see, the falls were instant feedback that I was doing something wrong, and I relished the correction.  So rarely in life have I been so quickly made aware that I was doing something wrong, and needed to go about it another way.  The soreness today reminds me my focus has got to sharpen in key areas-or injuries are inevitable.

Rocks.  I have a degree in earth science simply because I love them.  Amongst them I am happiest, whether hiking or running.  Apparently falling on them is a positive thing, too.

 

Codebreaking

My broken hallelujah, while a breakthrough, was not helping me get out of bed this morning.

 

And apparently lots of tears.

Today was the day of reckoning.  The parents were home, my chaotic twelve-fourteen hour days of single parenting ending, and I could start exercising again.

But I didn't want to.

My bed sucked me in, and an unexpected breakfast in bed held me there tight.

 Harbaugh was most interested.

Too many tears shed over too many things (I suspect the concussion of last week was a definite culprit) and exercise, my arch nemesis was calling.

I hate exercise.

To top it off, my weary soul called for comfort, and I had skipped church due to my beloved Durango being unsafe to drive while awaiting repairs.

While listening to Hallelujah I decided to take an easy hike, knowing it is in nature I commune best with God.  I could listen to my Jesus music and pray on the trail, hopefully easing both body and spirit.

That's sooooooo not what happened.

 Williamson Valley trailhead.

The trail is a triangle, not quite 4 miles in length.  The first side is a mile and a quarter, and is relatively flat.

 Until right about here, at the junction of 347.

About 3/4's down the first section of trail, I decided to give trail running a shot.  No fewer than three friends had recommended it to me, touting the necessity of constant thinking it required.  Never to back down from an intellectual challenge, and knowing a fresh start was a great time to start something new, I have it a try.

The air monster was there immediately.

For a change, I sat down and collected myself, fully aware that this was an asthma attack (I vlogged it as well.)  Once I had regained the ability to breathe, I determined I wouldn't let it get too bad the next time I ran, and would stop and drink water at the first since of air restriction.

 Did I mention I was wearing minimus shoes?

The middle section of the trail is rocky mile, and I took to it with alacrity.  I quickly learned trail running was a very short gait to control foot placement, with hands lower at the side.  It wasn't a jog but it was far from a run...more a hopping hike!  I wondered if it was a heel strike or a toe strike...

 ...and quickly learned a hand/knee combo strike!  My first fall was on a remarkably flat piece, thankfully with few rocks.  My hand wasn't skinned (or broken!!) but my knee was bloody.

I was elated.

 As I was having a blast.

The last mile was relatively flat, and I ran 7/8ths of it.  As I neared the trailhead, I was euphoric.

While exercising.

I felt amazing.

 

My golden trail.

While my hips knew they'd had a workout, and my skinned up knee burned, my lungs had decided quite suddenly to work as normal.  Over the 3.7 miles I had ran at least a mile of it, and I felt incredible.

 I thought about sitting here to blog...but that's barbed wire!

As my playlist flipped back to the first song, and Hallelujah again played, it all clicked.

Hiking is my sanctuary.  I go to the Canyon as my cathedral.  Today I had purposefully sought God in nature, listening to my Jesus music.  My faith brings me pleasure, never guilt or pain.

Unwittingly, I had tapped into the pleasure receptors of my brain, and had combined them with exercise for perhaps the first time in my life.

 I could hear the Canyon calling me.

The oft spoke of, but rarely if ever experienced "exercise high" was mine, due to the first ever connection of exercise with pleasure.  This should have been a terrible, hard workout.  I, simply stated, do not run.

Ever.

But I did, and it was wonderful.

My Hallelujah may no longer be broken....now it's time to make it a habit.

But tonight, tonight I revel in the fact it didn't hurt, torture or consume me with torment (for that is what running in the past would have meant.). Tonight I felt what others have found naturally

Tonight, I found how to motivate me.