2016: Only the Good

No it's not a blank entry.

 

 

Rough year.

A great way to start my exercise in patience is to acknowledge all the good in 2016 that happened BECAUSE of patience.

1.  

Hmmm.  Let's try again.

1.

Ok, apparently I'm not patient?!?

So, that's another fail for 2016...let's list the good that happened in 2016, regardless of patience being involved.

1. Music.  The year started with the Phoenix Symphony and ended with the Phoenix Symphony.  My appreciation for classical music in all forms shot through the roof in 2016, and I discovered Brahms.  Add in several concerts, live bands and an introduction to several groups new to me; they were all fantastic distractions and an over all blessing.  Add in the correlation between exercise and music that gives me chills...yes.  Music was a huge plus in 2016.
2. Ride.  I'm starting my own business, and we are still in the black as the year closes!  Ride Prescott & Ride Scottsdale brought me an outlet for creativity and business...it's nice to be back.  Add in my business partner, Kyle, who has been my cheerleader even when I don't deserve cheering!
3. My House.  A negative it hasn't sold, but what a beautiful home.  I had a year of living there that was pure bonus.  I am blessed.
4. Prescott.  Oh how I ❤love❤ living in Prescott!  The trails, the downtown, I love it all.
5. My parents.  They sold their home and moved in to help with my two teenagers.  Help out and never questioned me when I asked.  Got me a car, put up with my bad moods.  Wonderful people and again, I am blessed.
6. Cuda & Harbaugh.  Ohhhhhhh how I love my kittens.  A shout out to Indie who started it all.
7. Health.  Despite three concussions and a wicked cold right now, I'm healthy.  Nothing broken.  My kids are healthy.  Praise God.
8. My children, saved for my favorite number 8.  It's been a tough year, especially for Manchild & the Princess.  All are not only making it, but making well of it.
9. Michigan Football.  Go Blue!!  A great season and taking my kids home to The Big House.
10. Flyboy.  Lol, I'd be lost without my BFF and former green beret.  Our friendship and his frank calling out of my nonsense has been a light in much darkness.  Now if only I had not lost the Ohio State bet. 😝

So 2016...it's not been that bad.  I learned a lot, I'm not so naive, and truly, many good things happened.  So what if the list of bad is oh, ten times longer than the good.  Doesn't matter.  Good seeds where planted in 2016.  There can be good crops in 2017...if I am patient, and tend them while they grow.

We shall see:)

Patience

I have long struggled with patience.

 2016 in a nutshell.

I love this painting; it's the only one I did that brought me any satisfaction.  Maybe because it truly reflected that moment in time; little did I know that sentiment would be reflected back to me the entire year.  I had left my marriage with no resentment towards the King, in fact it was the realization that married love was long gone from the relationship that factored into my decision to file.  He was my friend, but not my partner.  He demanded change, but was unwilling to change.  Friends with benefits; not husband and wife.

So when it ended, our friendship easily survived the blow...we truly were friends.  It made me wonder how long ago love had died, that we could so easily be around one another.  In my experience, failed marriages with passionate distaste for each other indicated a love that still burned.  There was nothing in ours - just calm resolve.

That's what hurt the most in the end.  That there was nothing to even fight for.  

So with my divorce finalize on 1/11, I started 2016 with the hopes that someone out there would love me.

Well, at least my curves have been loved?!

This year I learned that I my expectations are unreasonable yet valid, and at the same time, too low and should be higher.  While many would wish it different, it is perfectly valid to want to be in love before making love to them.  I'm told this is unreasonable as "what if it's not good?" and isn't that something you'd want to know before falling in love?  Hogwash.  I was a virgin on my wedding night, as was the Knight.  It took years before it was "good."  And the journey to that was amazing...!  You know from kissing alone if there is chemistry.  The rest? Just applied science.

At the same time I held up a long forgotten moral, I learned that hoping for only crumbs essentially dismissed you from the table altogether.  For so long, I contented myself with the least...trying to justify my starvation for affection and love.  I freely gave trust before it was earned, never valuing my right to be persued.  This was perhaps the greatest lesson on 2016, and it dovetails nicely into my 2017 mantra:  patience.

 Luckily I think I finally put out any remaining embers...

Patience.

I hate to wait.  I think that started back at Cedar Point.

 Every childhood vacation.  Right here.

First it was the wait until the day we went.  It was our only vacation for the entire year, so at times this seemed to be an endless wait.

Then the long two-hour drive there.

Then the lines for the rides.

All for two minutes of pure joy.

Oh, I'm aching to go.  Right now.

Patience had a known payoff:  a day riding the rides at Cedar Point.  As I got older, the game began to find the day with the least wait times.  And I began to hate the wait.

Hating waiting also ties in with a life of rejection.  Being too tall and too awkward, too smart but not savvy.  The abominable wait in school yard pickem's knowing you'd be last.  Being put in the back because you were tall...even if you were the only girl.  My hatred of waiting means I'm often too quick to respond....I am reminded of a conversation about the difference between intelligence and wisdom.  I greatly lack the latter.

 Concerning exercise?  I'm gaining wisdom.  Slowly but surely...

But relationships?

I had been patient with the King.  It ended in divorce.  I was patient with Five...who consumed most of 2016. No one else had a chance with him lurking in the background, his final departure this summer something I can now look back on as dodging a bullet.  Not a month later I found myself enjoying a wonderful new relationship, only to have the carpet abruptly pulled out from under me.  I decided to be patient.  

How'd that work out?

 I am so over crying.  Really.

So patience?  I have little tolerance for it.  About 20 years worth of it not paying off, in my opinion.  Especially in 2016.  Not in relationships, or exercise for that matter.

Exercise.  I am so OVER my lungs and the Air Monster conspiring together.  I've been patiently waiting for them to get healthier.  Nada.  

Then there's work.  I keep waiting for the promised full days.  Instead I'm bored.  Work is an endless cycle of trying to stay occupied.  I've run out of patience with inefficient methods and bureaucracy in general.

In every area of life, right now, I am impatient.  I want change.

Now.

In every area.

Exactly!

And yet....

Patience.

I have no promise of a happy ending.  No promise of two minutes of thrills on a roller coaster.  No promise of eventually running a mile, nevertheless a marathon.

Hell, I still haven't done one good push-up!

But patience.

James 1:2-4, Classic Amplified

2 Consider it wholly joyful, my brethren, whenever you are enveloped in or encounter trials of any sort or fall into various temptations.

3 Be assured and understand that the trial and proving of your faith bring out endurance and steadfastness and patience.

4 But let endurance and steadfastness and patience have full play and do a thorough work, so that you may be [people] perfectly and fully developed [with no defects], lacking in nothing.

Or, in simpler terms, "The wait will be worth it."

 

2017.  

Endurance, steadfastness & patience.

Great blog fodder if nothing else, eh?

 

The Force is with me, I am one with The Force...

Trusting.  Again.

Or is it more than trust?  Perhaps this is the truest essence of what faith is?

Hebrews 11:1, Classic Amplified

"Now faith is the assurance (the confirmation, the title deed) of the things [we] hope for, being the proof of things [we] do not see and the conviction of their reality [faith perceiving as real fact what is not revealed to the senses]."

Apparently, it's time to count it pure joy.

I like the sound of that.

 

Mere Genetics

He's here for the holidays, and it would be silly not to ask.

The Princess with her father The King.

I've been up coughing all night, a wicked chest cold keeping me miserable when I really am desperate for a fun snow hike.  My "vacation" started a day early with a stomach bug; the sore throat from throwing up quickly progressed into a chest cold of epic proportions (I think I must have inhaled something as it came up-this is miserable!). We lucked out with 6-8" of snow on Christmas Eve and had the delight of a white Christmas-rare in most of the country but rarer still in Arizona.

Beautiful Christmas Morning.

The kids spent time sledding; one of my favorite pastimes.  Instead of joining them I nursed another hot cup of tea, hoping for some relief.  As the day went by I ached for some exercise, and the thought of a snow hike creeped up.  I had crampons and poles...why not?

Never mind I couldn't breath and the cough was horrendous.

I love snow.  Hate winter, love snow.  Makes Prescott about perfect-we get snow but it disappears fast.

By Monday morning it had spread to a head cold as well; I was more determined than ever to hike.

Or maybe just to get the hell out of the house. 

I love Christmas.  But I'm tired of it 24/7 the last four days! Lol!

The King was here; we agreed a year ago when we divorced that unless one of us had remarried, we'd spend every holiday together with the kids.  Up until now that hadn't been an issue; this last month, however, the strain of the house still not selling had taken a huge toll.  We didn't really talk and tried to busy ourselves away from each other; it was difficult to even be civil.  Then he brought me coffee after a night of coughing...and the barriers we'd both erected slipped.

"Why are my legs still toned when I'm not exercising near as much as I did this summer?" I inquired, and off he went into a genetics lecture.  We rehashed the last few weeks of exercise and my asthma diagnosis, which he admitted made some sense.  We chatted about George Michael's death and that of Alan Thicke the week or so before (poor Carrie Fisher-she could easily be #3!! Eek!) and had a frank discussion about the casual cocaine use by all three in the eighties and nineties....and how it those choices eventually catch up to you.

While I've never touched a single drug, my sedentary lifestyle worries me.  The last two years I've tried in vain to regularly exercise; living with my parents now I see the results of their lifetime choices.  Dad's bad knees (from exercise) haunt him; daily life is a struggle.  Mom's sedentary life caught up with her six years ago; only now is she somewhat recovered.  Reflecting on both 2015 & 2016, I cannot look back with much satisfaction; I certainly don't want 2017 to be a repeat in failure.  My genetics may have kept me toned when I'm not working out as often as I should, but what can I do to make this next year better?

This can be viewed several different ways...

Lately I've been cutting ties; untethering myself from old relationships that clung despite changes in circumstances.  Flyboy has been encouraging me to be patient in all areas of my life: little did he know that for most of my life James 1:4 has been my mantra:

There she be....

Interestingly, as I just pulled up that scripture, most versions used the word "perserverance" instead of patience.  Of course, I grabbed my Amplified Bible to confirm, it said "endurance, steadfastness & patience."

All things I have readily pursued in my Fitness Quest, with the exception of one.

Patient.

That I am not.  I like immediate results.

Recently, I was told "we have all the time in the world."  Conversely, in my favorite Star Trek:The Next Generation episode #125 The Inner Light, Picard tells his daughter Meribor:

This song makes me weep.  I heard it at the symphony this summer-a highlight of my year.

Now.  Patience.

An article I read this morning suggested making a list of things you want, but to divide them into three sections:  "Write an 'I Want' list and divide it into: 'I Want To Feel', 'I Want To Have' and 'I Want To Be/Achieve'." (The HappinessConcierge) 

Right now I just want to hike this in the snow...

Patience. Now.

How does one satisfy both?

A reset button has just been pushed in one area of my life this past weekend, and I wonder how many more resets I need now in this life.

Or how many I should just be patient with.

Regretfully, I suspect I should be patient with my body as it's fighting off this virus.  A cold snow hike with struggling lungs probably isn't wise.  As the daylight brightens the snowy landscape and my ears ache from the still sore throats, I try to think of alternatives.  

I hate being sick.

Peaking

How in the world I did what I did today, when Thursday was so hard, I have no idea.

 Top of Piestewa Peak, Phoenix

While it took longer than the promised 45 minutes, I was so overwhelmingly delighted with this morning's solo hike.

We each found our own part of the Peak it seems...

 This weekend I had a spot of time away-and managed three hikes in four days.  South Mountain in Awatukee started my weekend, and quite honestly, it was tough.

 But stunningly beautiful!

I struggled breathing, even though the lead up was relatively flat.  I knew my friends ran this on a regular basis-a thought that rather horrified me.

 That's the trail, folks.

Not trail conditions - rather the lack of air.  My hiking partner eventually insisted I give up the backpack; the last bit was better with the load lightened.

Our lunch perch.

I'd not hiked any mountains in metro Phoenix, and love the topographic changes.  It's much more rocky, and steepness is assured...but dang.  Air, anyone?  My tones legs assured me I wasn't out of shape.

Friday I hiked Kierland...

 

Teehee

And had lunch with my oldest...

 

Hm.  Still no blog nickname.  El Presidente?

That evening was Rogue One.

BEST. MOVIE. SINCE. EMPIRE.

The next morning was Dreamy Draw; I took Booms along which meant we hiked instead of ran.  He's recovering from a horrifying bike accident, and trail running isn't quite on the agenda.  I ran a few sprints but immediately started indrawing; it seemed better to give up a trail run in lieu of breathing.

That evening I attended the Arizona Girls's Choir Christmas concert-which my friends' daughter was in.  These classically trained young women were astounding.

 The evening's venue...I'm amazed the continuing effect the Symphony has had on me this year. My appreciation of fine music was grown astronomically.

That evening the three of us enjoyed conversation and wine after the seven year old Songstress  had gone to bed; I have truly missed time with friends.  We made plans for a morning hike up Piestewa (they live at the base), and we all headed to bed.

I vaguely recall my text tone going off at 1am ish.

The Songstress hopped on my bed at 7am, and we had an animated conversation about Santa missing Australia one year, and how women wore dresses FOREVER until just about one hundred years ago.

Morning plans changed when one friend woke with a swollen knee, so I decided to hike by myself (my how times have changed....for the better.). I built a new playlist based on my happier mood, and set off with poles in hand.

Good lord.

 

The "trail."

I loved every second.

And I could breathe.

 

Ridiculously pleased that the Air Monster had not attended.

 

 "Every place upon which the sole of your foot shall tread, that have I given to you, as I promised."

As I neared the Summit and scrambled up the last twenty feet on hands and knees, my beloved Divenire by Brahms came on.  My heart nearly exploded in my chest from sheer emotion-this composition has so caught my imagination.  No longer will I be a conquest, rather I shall be the conqueror.  

 

Then I saw the time...

I had to race back down the steep trail to meet up with Kyle for business...and it was a great meeting.  Of course I was all smiles.

Red.  Again.

I had the reset I so needed.

Grateful for the friends (and understanding family) that made it possible.

Flipping Ridiculous

Ugh.

 

No creamer.

Last week started this way...and while a week ago Monday I had an ephiphany, that evening the world stopped.

It has never been harder being a single mom.

Tuesday threw in some sucker punches-cancelled plans, a $4500 bill, a broken Red Ride (our Prescott cart).

By Wednesday I was struggling.  Even new plans couldn't lift my spirits...I was struggling to just keep my head above water.

Friday night was Acker Night.

 The view from the Elks Opera House balcony...seconds after being told to "F* off" by a former acquaintance.

I think I had a kick me sign on; I bumped into a guy I used to date who quickly looked the other way, the music was all songs I shared lovingly with The King.  The abrupt "greeting" by the grumpy old lady who felt I stole her thunder years ago?  Par for the course.

 Beautiful Prescott.

Not all was lost, however.  I had a random encounter with local celebrity Cody Lundin, known for his stint on Dual Survivor.

 He's the barefoot one on the right.

And I saw this:

 

Yet I felt, very much, like this:

 

Describing it this week, I summed up the last fourteen months of my life as episodes IV & V of Star Wars.  I started this journey with a New Hope, that I could find a life of peace, joy, adventure and love...and here I am, at the end of Empire, missing a hand and Han Solo is in carbonite.

Sigh.

The Force is actually Love, dominated by both the Dark Side and the Good.  Every man I've significantly dated reminds me of a character from the original trilogy, too.

And to think I once adored someone who self identifies as Vader?!  Lol!

Admittedly, assigning alter egos to the men who have come and gone has been highly entertaining...As was a suggestion by the Princess, to check out Flagstaff Extreme's new Adventure Zipline Course.

 

 Did I mention I accidentally dyed my hair pink?  Yeah.

 They made me jump off this.  

 My daughter is wonderfully brave.

It ended up being a workout; I woke up sore the next morning.

And hence....I did not go for a run.

Five weeks in and I broke it.

(Not my hand.  Geez.  Broke the running streak.)

 We bought and decorated a tree instead.

And then the pooch immediately returned.

 

Maybe this found stash has something to do with it?!😳

While a post concussion check up revealed much lower blood pressure in just two weeks (yeah trail running!) the second I stopped running the extra fatty pooch reappeared.

So to hell with salads this week.

 

Fine.

This week, I'm taking a break and meeting with friends in the valley.  The King will be spending much needed time with Manchild and the Princess, so I'm heading south.

To hike.

To run.

To reset.

 This morning.

Lately, every sunrise has been a delight.  A reminder that each day is fresh, with no mistakes in it.

Everyday I'm fixing a few more mistakes.

I think I'm going to make it.

Exercise proved to me this week that it doesn't prevent craziness in our lives...but my lowered blood pressure showed how it positively effected it.  All week I've missed having a run to look back on, an adventure with music and the Air Monster.  It's Christmastine, not the best days to form a new habit.  

But.

Maybe, just maybe, I can.

Black and White

Some days, there's a blog just itching to get out.

 I was pretty happy here.

Other days?

 It seemed a wee cold to hike.  I mean run.  Whatever.

Friday was a mess.  It ended a messy week, and the only good thing was the Symphony with Booms.

 You know you're fabulous friends when his pocket square matches your dress.

It was a perfect way to get into the holiday spirit-music from all genres and even a singalong.  We sat in the balcony for the first time, and I decided I preferred that location for the ease of getting in and out.  The discovery of the Phoenix Symphony was the best thing to happen to me in 2016, as it's only delighted me and never let me down.

Exercise.  Why does it let me down?

Saturday I could not pass up the chance to run in Phoenix, and returned to Dreamy Draw and the Trail 100.  It was a great run/hike, and the Air Monster was manageable.

 Love Arizona.

I managed a further distance this time, and managed to stay upright-a massive improvement!

 Didn't run this...

 But I did run this:)

So while I finished my 3+ miles in less than an hour and took time for photos and thoroughly enjoyed myself (I knew I had more in me when I got back to the car), Sunday was a decidedly different story.

 That's it. Sun behind the mountain.  I had checked the sunset before leaving.  I forgot about the mountain base I run at.

My run/hike started with me not wanting to go, but I did better than the prior week.  My gait is terribly off on the flats-I have no freaking clue how to land-and the lower calf cramps returned.  I sat and reviewed my options, drank more water, and noted my much higher water consumption due to trying to stave off the Air Monster.  I also noted my Jesus music was not working as effectively, and figured like with Vicodin, the music may have lost its initial effectiveness quickly with repeat play.

So I switched it up to Divenire.

 Brahms. And others.  Dang it.

345 is my joy.  I was easily able to conqueror it, as I can trail run.  Flats, no.  Rocks, yes.

As I ran, I had the strangest thing occur....the music truly gave me chills, and matched the terrain.  My focus was only on picking up my feet and watching my speed-I had fallen here before-when I clearly heard "you got this, Katie" from my left side.

I actually turned to see if he was there.

He was not.

I kept running, pounding out the path.  I knew if I breathed I'd trigger an Air Monster attack; the sun had slipped behind the mountain and the air had cooled considerably.  I heard the voice a second time.

"I'm proud of you.  Keep going."

This time I stopped, and spun around while gasping for air.  It was the crying that triggered the attack in the end, as I sat on a rock and struggled to get out the inhaler.

Why did it have to be so hard?  Why couldn't my lungs adapt like everyone else's?  Why was I alone in my quest...and heard so clearly his voice?

My sobbing subsided, and I thought of the unopened prescription of Zoloft at home.  It wasn't going to help me breathe.  I needed air before I needed a mental boost.

I also knew he had been there.

Twenty-one years ago right now he was dying.  We thought he was getting better, but he wasn't.  The anger he spewed at me daily should have been the tip off the tumor had returned, but at eight months pregnant, my thoughts were elsewhere.

Now my thoughts drifted to our courtship, and long ago hikes with Pepper.  Of frustrating days on the golf course, and him cheering me on.

Before the tumor, and cancer obliterating our future.

My Knight.

I dried my eyes and again assessed my situation.  I was wheezing, and I had no clue what I was supposed to do after using the rescue inhaler.  Could I resume exercise?  I figured I better not, and started the long walk back to the trailhead.  It was cold as I was in shadows, and I quickly put my hoodie back on.  With no music or need to focus, I pulled out my phone and dialed up a friend.

 I lost a bet, and this is what I have to wear....

As always, I felt better.  Was it the conversation or the run, I didn't know or care.  I was happy to be heading home, and glad exercise was over.

In many areas of my life, I enjoy shades of grey (although mixed with scarlet will be a stretch.)  I like being an outlier, and know my future career will draw on that.

But I'd love a little black and white right now.  Knowing what was the right thing to do...especially with my health.

 Well, in other things, too.

Instead, this murkiness is my life.  It's not bad.  It could be on the path to amazing.

I have hope that it is.