2016 in a nutshell.
I love this painting; it's the only one I did that brought me any satisfaction. Maybe because it truly reflected that moment in time; little did I know that sentiment would be reflected back to me the entire year. I had left my marriage with no resentment towards the King, in fact it was the realization that married love was long gone from the relationship that factored into my decision to file. He was my friend, but not my partner. He demanded change, but was unwilling to change. Friends with benefits; not husband and wife.
So when it ended, our friendship easily survived the blow...we truly were friends. It made me wonder how long ago love had died, that we could so easily be around one another. In my experience, failed marriages with passionate distaste for each other indicated a love that still burned. There was nothing in ours - just calm resolve.
That's what hurt the most in the end. That there was nothing to even fight for.
So with my divorce finalize on 1/11, I started 2016 with the hopes that someone out there would love me.
Well, at least my curves have been loved?!
This year I learned that I my expectations are unreasonable yet valid, and at the same time, too low and should be higher. While many would wish it different, it is perfectly valid to want to be in love before making love to them. I'm told this is unreasonable as "what if it's not good?" and isn't that something you'd want to know before falling in love? Hogwash. I was a virgin on my wedding night, as was the Knight. It took years before it was "good." And the journey to that was amazing...! You know from kissing alone if there is chemistry. The rest? Just applied science.
At the same time I held up a long forgotten moral, I learned that hoping for only crumbs essentially dismissed you from the table altogether. For so long, I contented myself with the least...trying to justify my starvation for affection and love. I freely gave trust before it was earned, never valuing my right to be persued. This was perhaps the greatest lesson on 2016, and it dovetails nicely into my 2017 mantra: patience.
Luckily I think I finally put out any remaining embers...
Patience.
I hate to wait. I think that started back at Cedar Point.
Every childhood vacation. Right here.
First it was the wait until the day we went. It was our only vacation for the entire year, so at times this seemed to be an endless wait.
Then the long two-hour drive there.
Then the lines for the rides.
All for two minutes of pure joy.
Oh, I'm aching to go. Right now.
Patience had a known payoff: a day riding the rides at Cedar Point. As I got older, the game began to find the day with the least wait times. And I began to hate the wait.
Hating waiting also ties in with a life of rejection. Being too tall and too awkward, too smart but not savvy. The abominable wait in school yard pickem's knowing you'd be last. Being put in the back because you were tall...even if you were the only girl. My hatred of waiting means I'm often too quick to respond....I am reminded of a conversation about the difference between intelligence and wisdom. I greatly lack the latter.
Concerning exercise? I'm gaining wisdom. Slowly but surely...
But relationships?
I had been patient with the King. It ended in divorce. I was patient with Five...who consumed most of 2016. No one else had a chance with him lurking in the background, his final departure this summer something I can now look back on as dodging a bullet. Not a month later I found myself enjoying a wonderful new relationship, only to have the carpet abruptly pulled out from under me. I decided to be patient.
How'd that work out?
I am so over crying. Really.
So patience? I have little tolerance for it. About 20 years worth of it not paying off, in my opinion. Especially in 2016. Not in relationships, or exercise for that matter.
Exercise. I am so OVER my lungs and the Air Monster conspiring together. I've been patiently waiting for them to get healthier. Nada.
Then there's work. I keep waiting for the promised full days. Instead I'm bored. Work is an endless cycle of trying to stay occupied. I've run out of patience with inefficient methods and bureaucracy in general.
In every area of life, right now, I am impatient. I want change.
Now.
In every area.
Exactly!
And yet....
Patience.
I have no promise of a happy ending. No promise of two minutes of thrills on a roller coaster. No promise of eventually running a mile, nevertheless a marathon.
Hell, I still haven't done one good push-up!
But patience.
James 1:2-4, Classic Amplified
2 Consider it wholly joyful, my brethren, whenever you are enveloped in or encounter trials of any sort or fall into various temptations.
3 Be assured and understand that the trial and proving of your faith bring out endurance and steadfastness and patience.
4 But let endurance and steadfastness and patience have full play and do a thorough work, so that you may be [people] perfectly and fully developed [with no defects], lacking in nothing.
Or, in simpler terms, "The wait will be worth it."
2017.
Endurance, steadfastness & patience.
Great blog fodder if nothing else, eh?
The Force is with me, I am one with The Force...
Trusting. Again.
Or is it more than trust? Perhaps this is the truest essence of what faith is?
Hebrews 11:1, Classic Amplified
"Now faith is the assurance (the confirmation, the title deed) of the things [we] hope for, being the proof of things [we] do not see and the conviction of their reality [faith perceiving as real fact what is not revealed to the senses]."
Apparently, it's time to count it pure joy.
I like the sound of that.
