I no longer care.
At all.
They lost me when they didn’t automatically apply my hoard of “lingots” to keep the streak alive.
Chan eil Duolingo. Tha Duolingo dona.
I also no longer believe this:
This is BS.
It’s no different than “the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.” To be truthful, this “everything you want is on the other side of fear” is actually duplicitous. It’s condescending. It’s insinuating that your “fear” is keeping you down, and that if you somehow magically overcome it, you’ll have everything you want.
Not.
I’ve overcome great fears. Huge fears. Momentous fears.
So have you.
I cannot say ANYONE has everything they want, because WE AREN'T MADE THAT WAY.
It is IMPOSSIBLE to have everything we want.
For example, this whole bittersweet mothering thing.
I’m gonna be honest, I don’t think it’s actually healthy to be weepy about your kids growing up, and it’s the perfect example of why we will never, ever, have “everything” on the other side of fear. Kids grow up fairly happy and healthy, and instead of being satisfied most moms are sad they grew up. We want something we can’t have. Instead of focusing on the moments it was happening, and enjoying the next phases as much as the first, the focus is backwards, to what we no longer have.
Our problem, it seems, in everything, is we don’t appreciate things RIGHT NOW.
We lack gratitude and thanksgiving.
In everything.
Five years ago, when I started this quest, I did so for two reasons: 1) to heal from a TBI and 2) to get my then-husband’s attention. He wanted me to be fit and in shape like him, so I gave it my best shot. Kill two birds with one stone kinda thing. I thought if I got fit, he might treat me better, or we’d have more in common. I hoped if I pushed through the pain and the fear, I’d have a good husband on the other side in addition to feeling better.
Instead, a broken hand derailed my quest. Then a divorce derailed my life, and my children’s lives. Oh, I know I need to be healthy, and I do try, but really, if left to my own devices I’d eat potato chips everyday.
I’m back to being me with burgundy and rose gold tresses. Thank God.
What brings on this rant?
I lost February.
Being in pain daily, losing the ability to drive for two weeks and the ability to think straight took a terrible blow. Suddenly it’s almost March, and I’ve not stretched in two weeks as I needed sleep when the Buckeye was stretching. I lost my Duolingo streak, and Ride has had an opening delay (although that was inevitable due to insurance being worked out.)
Everything I wanted was not on the other side of fear. Everything I want is not in escaping the daily struggles (as we often focus on when our kids are young, instead of the hero moments and bubble beards).
Everything I want IS NOT POSSIBLE...because if at this moment, I had everything I wanted I’D WANT SOMETHING DIFFERENT.
Why?
Because we’re made that way. Ever notice no one is every truly satisfied?
This, however, has brought amazing satisfaction.
Valentine’s Day 2019, the Buckeye bought me a grocery-store orchid.
I loved it. Almost two full months of blooms.
It had three blooming stems, and brought me tremendous joy. Once the blooms died, I trimmed off those stems and put it in my kitchen garden window. Thankfully, orchids don’t need a ton of water, as I’m not very consistent with watering.
Lol, that’s so unsurprising😂😂😂
Anywise, I watched with interest as things poked out the sides of the main stem, the most curious looking brown/grey blunt pointed things. I tried guiding them down when I read up and discovered they were roots, but only succeeded in breaking them. I trimmed off leaves that yellowed, and roots that missed their destination. I watched an occasional video on getting orchids to bloom, and had a few false hopes that a flowering stem had been produced. It wasn’t until Christmas time I saw the real thing-and there was no mistaking them: dark green, larger and nestled directly between two leaves. They seemed to grow visibly every day; one stem about a week or so behind the other.
Then the buds started to appear, and my anticipation quadrupled.
And it’s not done producing buds!!
Overall, this orchid has two flowering stems, and should boast at least a dozen blooms.
My wily girl.
Yep, the one blessing from my TBI: long forgotten vocabulary words emerge from time to time.
See, my orchid knew what to do all along, even though I didn’t.
It went through it’s cycle of being dormant, sending out new roots and two new flowering stems because that’s what it’s supposed to do if it receives water and light.
As humans, we have cycles, too.
Childhood, young adulthood, mid-age and later years.
As children we can’t wait to grow up.
As young adults we can’t wait for our child to grow up.
At mid-age we can’t wait to retire/have grandkids.
At later years...we realize we won’t ever have everything we want...because we didn’t appreciate what we did have when we had it. As a result, grandparents are amazing, because their focus is on enjoying the moment, instead of the hardship.
I’m done with “everything I want.”
Just like my orchid, I’m made to cycle through life. Jobs, family, health...they’re all cycles that overlap. The reason we will never have “everything” is because these cycle all have different times they bloom-some bloom frequently, and some only once a year. Some cycles have long lasting blooms, others are short-lived. Cycles are different by person, just as they are different in plants...for some I am certain the cycle of exercise is repetitive and can be counted out.
I assure you mine is not.
The orchid to the right the Princess got me for Mother’s Day, it had bright royal blue blooms. As I’ve not treated the soil, I’m curious to the bloom color this year! Only one stem, and about two weeks behind the original in growth.
We weren’t made to be satisfied because I don’t believe all of our cycles will ever overlap until the end of our natural lives. Perhaps the secret of the most successful is in understanding this; that honoring each cycle and nurturing it where it is at the moment is most important.
I didn’t pitch my orchid when it was done blooming, nor did I mourn the passing of its former blooms. I simply began the cycle again.
It’s not like I forgot the 66 days of Gaelic I had learned...
Being thankful for today, being grateful for the cycles (no matter what stage!) has to become a priority. Hating exercise has meant I’ve never gotten into a long-term cycle (I keep killing the plant...lol, or even just throw it away after it’s bloomed...!) but then I’ve never, ever, in five years of questing, been thankful for it. While I enjoy hiking, and the occasional exercise victory, I look at it with disgust.
The same way some people look at the present cycle they’re in with disdain, and wish back for days that have been, or forward to days they imagine.
Today however, what if we simply enjoyed today? The rooting, the growing, the blooming part of our many cycles? And what if we ignored what other people said we should be doing or feeling, since their cycles in overlap are very likely quite different than ours?
Digging this translation...I had not thought of this before.
While in Galatians 5, I also noted that “gratitude” is NOT one of the fruits of the Spirit. Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control are...but gratitude is not.
I Thessalonians 5:16-18 spells out what we should do.
Essentially being happy/grateful in your cycles, talk to God, and be thankful. A double act of gratefulness and thankfulness.
Hm.
We already have everything we need right now to have love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. It’s simply being grateful for what we have at this moment...and talking to God about it. Then all those things will be added to you.
So thankful I see sunsets like this so often.
There’s so many things to be thankful for all around me. Let’s see how this changes things.
