Scabbing Over

I can smell eggs cooking; the Buckeye is making his breakfast.

Seven years officially as a couple!!

lol, which means this blog is 9 years old?

And I’ve struggled with weight and exercise and health for nearly a decade.

January 2014.  I still miss those shoes.  One of the dogs ate one in 2015 and it still bothers me when I look for a pair of black flats!

In 2014, the company I had contracted for nearly a dozen years slowly went under. I think the slow demise took a harder toll…and the decision to close I had no control over. The emotional strain that declining finances took, trying to stay motivated but seeing the signs…it was a lot.  The Knight added to the angst; our marriage had been rocky since my sister’s suicide 6 years before.  The head injury, and closure of the company the same week, really brought to head multiple problems.  After our divorce, my ability to eat anything I did with glee-with consequences of weight gain. I justified buying one size larger…knowing I was breaking a cardinal rule.

Never buy the next size up.  Cut back for a week or two instead.

Next thing you know, it’s a decade later and you need to lose 40lbs.

Thank God I still have a waist.

My trigger point was 200.00 on the scale.  The last week, it’s been 189.  It’s not budging, despite having less than 1000 calories a day, but I’m not discouraged.

I’m getting healthy.

So much of the last 10 years has been a roller coaster of emotions. The breakdown of my marriage, the divorce. Then being single; the worst experience of my life. Then the joys of falling in love, and finding the person I wanted to do the rest of my life with. Getting married, and him immediately losing his job; followed by the horrors of his brain injury. Rebranding a company during the middle of a pandemic, and the hard, hard work a start up for the last four years.

Today marks one month since hiring RCO, and I feel as if I am emerging from a fog:  I have help. The Buckeye has completely stepped back from the business. It’s as if the heavens have opened, and angels have begun to sing.

God is good.  

He is more than good, and I am astounded by what He has worked in me.

Driving to the airport to pick up the princess on Sunday night, a song came on that I like…but don’t like.

Hold my Hand, by Lady Gaga.

And in that moment, it took on a new meaning, as often a song does.  I knew I was firmly in God’s right hand…and I saw a new future I hadn’t imagined before.

Yesterday, I had a meeting with an advisor as I prepare for a pitch competition in August, competing for $10,000 in a statewide competition. I had won the regional competition in March, after nearly canceling appearing and literally walking in cold.

That day in March reawakened much, and as spring has worn on, I can feel the old wounds finally healing.

I’m not bleeding anymore.

I’m finally scabbing over.

That really seems like something to celebrate, doesn’t it?!

After I rid myself of the sickening extra 10lbs I had put on this past winter, I discovered I might actually want to cook again.  

Let’s just say while this meme is 100% facts, it’s also a fact I hate cooking.  A lot.

Yet yesterday I whipped up two healthy dishes, and enjoyed two tasty meals and easily stayed under 1000 calories and honestly don’t care if I lost weight.

Because I’m getting healthy instead.

I’m changing habits, and exercise will eventually come.

And the weight will come off.

How do I know? 

I have peace.

And almost as importantly, hope.

I’ve made it.  It is now.

And I know it without a doubt.

I’m healing…and soon will be fully healed.  The scab will disappear, and there may not be a trace of the past.  Even if there is, this season of change is behind me.  I’m holding God’s right hand.  And that’s more than enough for me.

Jimmy Johns Number Nine

I want one so badly.

Only 949 calories for the entire thing!

Surely I could cut one in half, and eat half today and half tomorrow, right?

I’m 20 days in to my diet and yesterday I gave myself permission to get Jimmy John’s. It had been a momentous day, as I became CEO of my company.  That wasn’t the original plan, so celebrating with a cheat day would be fine, right?

Instead I had a half pound of broccoli, chicken and some other stuff that took a long time to eat.  My reward was slowly enjoying my ashwaganda gummies (twenty minutes of thinking you’re having candy) and 28 almonds.

DID YOU KNOW?!? I DID NOT KNOW!!!

Tomorrow starts actual cooking for meals, as the Buckeye and I depart from our ready made meals.  They were a lifesaver the past few months, but didn’t bring much joy. 

Not that a half a pound of broccoli brings joy either…

He still brings me tremendous joy❤️

The Buckeye has joined me in the diet journey. He’s ten days in, just ten days behind me. He’s also lost 8lbs to my 11lbs, while eating significantly more.

Which is actually discouraging.

Candles are very encouraging, however!

So it’s tomorrow now, and we are officially three weeks into my diet. I weigh 188.8, 11.1lbs lost.

And I’m changing it up.

I’ve been looking at my macros, and I’m heavily missing protein.  So you know what I did?

I convinced the Buckeye we should split a Jimmy John’s number nine.

Since today was a very, very good day. The Princess’ Marine boyfriend returned home from a six month deployment.  

But first! I made zucchini.

I’ve got a lot of scientific study running around in my mind. One of the things I’m cognizant of is glucose spikes, and how eating veggies first helps with that. Since I plan on eating bread for the first time in three weeks, I wanted veggies first.

The zucchini was incredible.

It was two hours letter I wanted my long awaited, often scarfed, Jimmy John’s Number 9. I cut it in half and took the slightly bigger half. Settling in, I took a bite.

And could immediately taste the preservatives in the bread.

So is thinking you can go back to eating junk food when you’ve literally eaten clean for three solid weeks.

Sigh.

The longed for, anticipated with great glee, Jimmy John’s number nine was not as I remembered it.

It is why I am switching things up a little though. I know I have to add exercise 🤮 and I will get there. But can I switch to 5/2, and keep my calories under 1200 5 days a week, and do the 500 twice? I’m at the point I should only be losing 1-2 lbs a week. I got the extra awful off…is it ok to switch and focus on food order and still being careful?

I also wonder, how honest was I about calorie consumption? (I never was before, lol!)

I managed to put on a Top Gun shirt on Top Gun Day without remembering what day it was. I am smart sometimes.

So. Three weeks in.

Modifying it a wee bit, to make it less discouraging, and more healthy.

These two had six months of working through a deployment, managing expectations and reducing disappointments. Very, very proud of the good and healthy choices they made.

I recently read that being post menopausal-WHICH I NOW OFFICIALLY AM, SO EXCITED-is the time to realize you need to do some self care to have a healthy rest of your life.  It started getting rid of the extra I’d just put on.  Now let’s modify so we can go long term.

The end result is worth it.

Sauces

Ten pounds down, two weeks after I began.

Don’t I look great? 😂😂😂😂 (bold glamour, folks)

You know, I keep waiting for the filter that will smooth out our neck! (My total age giveaway!)

Ten pounds. GONE.  Which leaves me right where I was when I began binge eating Nutty Buddies earlier this year.  188lb  has been my standard pretty much since my Dad died and menopause hit, so at least all my clothes fit again.

But we are not stopping.

We have expectations to meet.

I have to look this good.

The Commander’s wedding planning is in full swing, and my diet had its first real test as we went to the venue to shore up plans.

Yep, she my daughter and loves history.

I ate THREE meals in a row at restaurants-a dinner, a breakfast and a lunch.

Longtime friends are the best!

I can home .2lbs lighter.

Sheer willpower to curb my calories is driving this early loss…but I know I need to add to it.

The dreaded Air Monster has been biting at the chomp, ready to make life difficult as I prepare to add in the dreaded E word.

Oh how I hate it. 

But I love our new fire truck! 🐿️ 

Yoga mat has been ordered, and I’ve reread stretching blogs. Perhaps we start there.  Or maybe we don’t.

My last visits to a gym resulted in six months of constant UTI’s. Even if they had cool massage chairs, that sealed the deal on not going back.

The one thing I am certain of, I must start moving. I must start strengthening. I must develop good, SUSTAINABLE habits.

It’s a matter of willpower.

Or a puzzle 😎

Slowly easing back into this life. A life that puts health as a priority.  That secret sauce.

Why haven’t I blogged in so long? It’s not just the lack of exercise. It’s been the lack of time, the demands of a new business and a brain-injured spouse. It’s been the rejection of the medical field and the sheer hardness of life. Exercise has rarely made me feel better.

Nutty Buddies general do.

Or a Jimmy John’s #9.  Gonna figure out how to have that in my diet🥳

But was had made me feel better is shedding those ten pounds. I am remembering two years ago right now, when I dipped into the 160’s for like two weeks before my Daddy died.  

And I wore these skinny’s. 

And I felt really good. 

So, I’m heading to the original goal: 153lb. My weight should be between 145-161lb and I thoroughly agree with that being the standard once I get there.

There’s no excuses to be shared. It simply has to be what I want.

The time is now.

And I will achieve it before I walk that bridge.