Emergence

Emergence.

How interesting that the root word for emergency involves process.

The lockdown almost killed me; the process has been hard in many ways.

First, I discovered I can’t do masks.

To make a very, very long story short, after many hits and misses, it turns out the Air Monster is NOT ASTHMA. It’s Vocal Chord Dysfunction (VCD) brought on by Larynpharangeal Reflux (LPR). All these years, my vocal chords have bathed in gastric juices, and are rather sensitive to irritation.  So rapid breathing, heated air, allergens all cause my vocal chords to seize.

Have you ever drank something that “went down the wrong pipe?” That’s your vocal chords seizing up, and stopping the liquid from going in your lungs.  Mine do it randomly due to decades of damage. Interestingly, this diagnosis accurately explains my “failure to thrive” as a newborn and my five years of constant ear infections.

So, no masks for me.  Which means no in-person healthcare, widespread discrimination and general feelings of hate as a supposed “grandma killer.”

Which meant I had a scary summer of depression.

I was unable to exercise outside, as the heat brought on the choking attacks (VCD attacks) and all gyms were closed. Mask mandates meant I was imprisoned at home. Add to that I’m pretty sure a second civil war is afoot, and I became despondent.  Then, the Commander’s rescheduled baptism took place.

 The Commander and the Princess.

It took place outdoors, at a camp in the pines...the same national forest where the Buckeye and I had said our vows, two years prior.  Afterwards they held church outside, all socially distanced.

If you look closely, you can see deer in the woods behind him.

I once heard a sermon long ago that said we all related best to God in one of several ways. That would make sense, since we all have different personalities, gifts, etc. For me-it is nature and worship. That is where I find God.

In the mountains of Prescott National Forest, they had a church service. I don’t remember what was preached...all I know was the worship, in this cathedral of trees, soothed my weary soul.

I was completely broken, yet in a moment was restored.

Eppie Vincente chose Justin Unger’s rendition of the 23rd Psalm...and it enraptured me.

Once in a decade, you have a song that works miracles. For me, it was My Shepherd.  A simple version of a psalm I’ve had memorized from childhood, but with a different start;

“If the Lord you are my Shepherd what shall I want?”

If.

If He is my Shepherd.

At that moment, I knew it was truly, a choice.

And I chose to be restored.

Over the next week, I listened to the song on repeat.  Slowly, my slumbering spirit re-emerged.  It’s emergence awakened my creativity, and I pushed pass my slump.  I had hope again, despite rejection by medical science.

You see, with no ability to wear a mask, I was turned away from all in-person medical care. I had sought treatment for it, thinking it was asthma. My PCP and pulmonologist had diagnosed me via telemedicine, but all testing and surgery (yes, surgery. The Air Monster requires surgery!) I was denied because I couldn’t wear a mask...THE VERY REASON I SOUGHT MEDICAL CARE.

From this rejection, I had retreated. As the Air Monster grew worse and treatment was denied, I grew discouraged....but God saw me. He rescued me as surely as if He had physically pulled me from an abyss.  

Slowly, I began to break from the bonds. I created a faux mask that gained me entry to most stores. It didn’t work in medical facilities, but at least I wasn’t trapped at home. I began researching LPR and VCD...and discovered VCD plagued athletes.  In an obscure article, I found a doctor who prescribed speech therapy to an athlete to control the VCD using the “sniff sniff” technique.  Apparently, two quick sniffs through the nose, and a long exhale through the mouth forced the vocal chords to open.  I practiced it, and awaited the next attack.

I forgot to mention that by June I was waking up from a deep sleep by choking two-three times a week, it was now September, and elevating the head of bed had significantly decreased the attacks to one or two a month. Attacks were also regularly brought on by windy days (dust in the air) and laughter, in addition to high heat, strained breathing and exercise.  I had gotten to the point I used a rescue inhaler two-three times a day (in addition to a daily inhaler before VCD diagnosis.)

Surprisingly, the sniff sniff technique worked MORE EFFECTIVELY than the rescue inhaler!!!!!

This confirmation of my diagnosis, after months of being denied medical care buoyed my soul.  Ever one to buck convention, maybe I didn’t need medicine.

Maybe I needed to learn to breathe better.

I’M BACK.

It’s taken about two months to be able to stop an attack as it happens.  I’m admittedly fat, and it’s time to reverse that (again😂😂😂).  But guess what I did?

I went trail running.

I FREAKING RAN.

My beloved Trail 100.

The Buckeye hikes in Dreamy Draw 3-5 times a week; I haven’t been able to join him due to the never ending heat. This week it’s been in the 60’s though...so I joined him on Saturday.

The first twenty minutes of flat, I focused on only breathing with the sniff sniff technique. I made my first climb, after six months stuck indoors, with no breathing issues.  NONE.

No breathlessness, no coughing, no feelings of passing out.

BECAUSE I HAD FREAKING OXYGEN GETTING TO MY LUNGS.

The Buckeye and I split up at that point, and I was able to test my new idea further. The call of those trails is strong- as I ventured into familiar territory I had to try. 

I had to “run.”

Lol, actually a hopping jog.  For maybe 40 yards.

Yesterday, we went again. This time, we separated immediately-him to his loop hike, me to my old trails.

I have rarely felt so alive.

While my experiment was not without issues-at one point I had a scary attack that I couldn’t control and dove for a rescue inhaler-it reminded me that I can control my outcome.

I have six months of being able to exercise outside. Six months of teaching myself how to breathe. Six months to change everything...if I chose to.

It’s a choice.

Apparently a very dramatic choice 😂😂😂

So, here I go again.

Every. Single. Time.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.

No one will help me? Fine. I’ll do it myself.

Now to not eat the fudge the Buckeye made:):):)

So crazy in love with this man, despite a very difficult two years. I do not recommend newlyweds losing their jobs and almost dying and recovering from a brain injury in their first two years together...but our foundation has been proven strong:)

Last year I started stretching. This year, it’s more. It has to be. What tried to kill me didn’t succeed. So what if I turned the tables and killed discouragement instead? It’s what’s been wrong, all these years. The sadness, the longing. 

If the Lord you are my Shepherd what shall I?

It’s a choice to look first to Him. Then to make wise decisions.

I plan to make His Joy be my strength.

Let’s do this:)

When the World Stops

There are two blogs I started since I last published...

I didn’t finish either.

Note the date on the “stock up” one: March 13th. The day Spring Training was cancelled, and the day I knew we’d have to close.

A few nights before, doing our final trial runs...

Since then, I’ve sailed through the Five Stages of Grief, which are, if you don’t know or need a refresher:

My denial last a few hours.  I remember sitting in Old Town Tavern, where I was waiting to meet the owner to discuss using his back patio as our Puzzle Ride meeting place.  The screens flashed the immediate closure of Spring Training...and there I was, in the middle of the Cactus League hub.  It would have an immediate financial impact on my business...and I was in shock.

The day my world stopped turning.

What little damage control I could muster soon gave way to anger....as I encountered this:

I had toilet tissue at home, so I didn’t buy any.  Big mistake, as people like this were clearing shelves.

Over the weekend, my anger grew as I calculated what this would do to the economy as a whole....and I was stunned.

Did the good of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one?

And in this, to which are the many and which are the few?

Ever notice that this sounds a bit like Communism? 🧐😕

Over the past ten years or so, I have become increasingly libertarian.  Let me (and others) live our own lives, don’t restrict my freedom and liberty to do so.  And yet....

More closures...and the end of our Scottsdale Season.

Panic, fear, reason, caution....everything quickly processed and BOOM.

Others had  decided for me I cannot make a living in less than 24 hours.

This happened in the first week....and the only additional square I have check off?!?! 😎

Don’t get me wrong, I understand the reasoning. I understand the caution. I might agree with some of it.

But the collective hive mind made a decision for me, and my lifestyle, without my input.

I’m more upset about being told to stay home...

Look, I get it.  I know why everything’s being done, etc. I also can be angry about loosing my civil liberties.

How people are not more upset?!?! 

And I watch the entire world follow along...

And I just can’t...

But.

I’m no longer angry. I moved right into denial.

I simply could not believe the majority of the world thought sheltering in place was the correct response. 

That lasted about a day, as I quickly realized they all did....

...with one major exception.  #genzforthewin

Look, let’s get something straight here:

I don’t mind quarantining for pandemics.  I get it.  What I do not like is the knee-jerk, lightening fast response of the majority of the populace to become militant believers in what their government and media are feeding them.

So I moved into bargaining. Perhaps I could dig deeper, and I began reading scientific papers.

The one by the Imperial College stopped me cold; I quickly understood the government reaction.

Once I read that, I calmed down, and moved into acceptance.

It doesn’t mean I have to like it, or that I agree with it...but I understood the driving force.

Which meant when the author of said paper recanted a few key points a week or so later...

Anywise. Save your righteous indignation, I’m freaking social distancing and quarantining, etc. I’m following the rules.

So....my business is shut down for two months.  I think we will survive.  My daughter, the Princess, is furloughed, but is using this time to finish high school online (she’s been on track to, but doing school and working full time was sometimes a lot.  This is letting her finish with ease.) My son, Manchild, got two weeks off with pay due to having a 3-day-not-coronavirus-but-we-don’t-know-bug.  The Buckeye, who works at the same company but in a different capacity, was told he had to work from home due to association with Manchild.  Which is actually very, very, very nice!

It also gives me the time to focus on the Center, and I have a proposal to them concerning it...

So. In the meantime...

The Buckeye had a great birthday, and reminded me how great a match we are by eating all the frosting I do not like.

It’s warm enough to enjoy evenings on the patio.

The Buckeye scored a package of toilet paper!

Epic picnics while social distancing can be capped off with too-frozen ice cream sandwiches. (I’d like to note that here in Arizona, we are NOT under shelter in place.  We are encouraged to spend time outdoors, just away from other people. That day in the park we saw families together, and everyone kept away from everyone else.)

...and Hikes like my very favorite, Thumb Butte.

Yes, I went hiking yesterday.  I’m sore today...it’s been a very long time.  Remember the eye issues of the last blog? I’m still dealing with them, and they took me down hard.  Being in pain daily for three months took a toll, and I didn’t hike at all due to sunshine being a factor in more pain.  As my near vision returns in my left eye, I am realizing how much vision I lost over the last four months; I’m also very grateful for a return to better health.

And that said....now that I’ve processed this crazy quarantine and determined I’ll go along with it even though I really don’t think it’s necessary to destroy the economy over it....I’m going to try to exercise more.

The Commander as a 7 year old.  This is how I suspect y’all are reacting to me saying I’ll start exercising again:)

Sigh.  If at first you don’t succeed...

Dye your hair a different color, and try again!

Streak Broken

So, accidentally ended my Duolingo streak at 66 days. They reset the counter and?

I no longer care.

At all.

They lost me when they didn’t automatically apply my hoard of “lingots” to keep the streak alive.

Chan eil Duolingo. Tha Duolingo dona.

I also no longer believe this:

This is BS.

It’s no different than “the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.”  To be truthful, this “everything you want is on the other side of fear” is actually duplicitous.  It’s condescending. It’s insinuating that your “fear” is keeping you down, and that if you somehow magically overcome it, you’ll have everything you want.

Not.

I’ve overcome great fears. Huge fears. Momentous fears. 

So have you.

I cannot say ANYONE has everything they want, because WE AREN'T MADE THAT WAY.

It is IMPOSSIBLE to have everything we want.

For example, this whole bittersweet mothering thing.

 https://richmondmom.com/2020/02/22/motherhood-summed-up/

I’m gonna be honest, I don’t think it’s actually healthy to be weepy about your kids growing up, and it’s the perfect example of why we will never, ever, have “everything” on the other side of fear. Kids grow up fairly happy and healthy, and instead of being satisfied most moms are sad they grew up. We want something we can’t have. Instead of focusing on the moments it was happening, and enjoying the next phases as much as the first, the focus is backwards, to what we no longer have.

Our problem, it seems, in everything, is we don’t appreciate things RIGHT NOW.

We lack gratitude and thanksgiving.

In everything.

Five years ago, when I started this quest, I did so for two reasons: 1) to heal from a TBI and 2) to get my then-husband’s attention. He wanted me to be fit and in shape like him, so I gave it my best shot. Kill two birds with one stone kinda thing. I thought if I got fit, he might treat me better, or we’d have more in common. I hoped if I pushed through the pain and the fear, I’d have a good husband on the other side in addition to feeling better.

Instead, a broken hand derailed my quest. Then a divorce derailed my life, and my children’s lives. Oh, I know I need to be healthy, and I do try, but really, if left to my own devices I’d eat potato chips everyday.

I’m back to being me with burgundy and rose gold tresses. Thank God.

What brings on this rant?

I lost February.

Being in pain daily, losing the ability to drive for two weeks and the ability to think straight took a terrible blow.  Suddenly it’s almost March, and I’ve not stretched in two weeks as I needed sleep when the Buckeye was stretching. I lost my Duolingo streak, and Ride has had an opening delay (although that was inevitable due to insurance being worked out.) 

Everything I wanted was not on the other side of fear. Everything I want is not in escaping the daily struggles (as we often focus on when our kids are young, instead of the hero moments and bubble beards). 

Everything I want IS NOT POSSIBLE...because if at this moment, I had everything I wanted I’D WANT SOMETHING DIFFERENT.

Why?

Because we’re made that way.  Ever notice no one is every truly satisfied?

This, however, has brought amazing satisfaction.

Valentine’s Day 2019, the Buckeye bought me a grocery-store orchid.

I loved it. Almost two full months of blooms.

It had three blooming stems, and brought me tremendous joy.  Once the blooms died, I trimmed off those stems and put it in my kitchen garden window. Thankfully, orchids don’t need a ton of water, as I’m not very consistent with watering.

Lol, that’s so unsurprising😂😂😂

Anywise, I watched with interest as things poked out the sides of the main stem, the most curious looking brown/grey blunt pointed things. I tried guiding them down when I read up and discovered they were roots, but only succeeded in breaking them.  I trimmed off leaves that yellowed, and roots that missed their destination. I watched an occasional video on getting orchids to bloom, and had a few false hopes that a flowering stem had been produced. It wasn’t until Christmas time I saw the real thing-and there was no mistaking them: dark green, larger and nestled directly between two leaves.  They seemed to grow visibly every day; one stem about a week or so behind the other. 

Then the buds started to appear, and my anticipation quadrupled.

And it’s not done producing buds!!

Overall, this orchid has two flowering stems, and should boast at least a dozen blooms.

My wily girl. 

Yep, the one blessing from my TBI: long forgotten vocabulary words emerge from time to time.

See, my orchid knew what to do all along, even though I didn’t. 

It went through it’s cycle of being dormant, sending out new roots and two new flowering stems because that’s what it’s supposed to do if it receives water and light. 

As humans, we have cycles, too.

Childhood, young adulthood, mid-age and later years.

As children we can’t wait to grow up.

As young adults we can’t wait for our child to grow up.

At mid-age we can’t wait to retire/have grandkids.

At later years...we realize we won’t ever have everything we want...because we didn’t appreciate what we did have when we had it.  As a result, grandparents are amazing, because their focus is on enjoying the moment, instead of the hardship.

I’m done with “everything I want.”

Just like my orchid, I’m made to cycle through life. Jobs, family, health...they’re all cycles that overlap. The reason we will never have “everything” is because these cycle all have different times they bloom-some bloom frequently, and some only once a year. Some cycles have long lasting blooms, others are short-lived.  Cycles are different by person, just as they are different in plants...for some I am certain the cycle of exercise is repetitive and can be counted out. 

I assure you mine is not.

The orchid to the right the Princess got me for Mother’s Day, it had bright royal blue blooms. As I’ve not treated the soil, I’m curious to the bloom color this year! Only one stem, and about two weeks behind the original in growth.

We weren’t made to be satisfied because I don’t believe all of our cycles will ever overlap until the end of our natural lives.  Perhaps the secret of the most successful is in understanding this; that honoring each cycle and nurturing it where it is at the moment is most important.

I didn’t pitch my orchid when it was done blooming, nor did I mourn the passing of its former blooms. I simply began the cycle again.

It’s not like I forgot the 66 days of Gaelic I had learned...

Being thankful for today, being grateful for the cycles (no matter what stage!) has to become a priority. Hating exercise has meant I’ve never gotten into a long-term cycle (I keep killing the plant...lol, or even just throw it away after it’s bloomed...!) but then I’ve never, ever, in five years of questing, been thankful for it. While I enjoy hiking, and the occasional exercise victory, I look at it with disgust.

The same way some people look at the present cycle they’re in with disdain, and wish back for days that have been, or forward to days they imagine.

Today however, what if we simply enjoyed today? The rooting, the growing, the blooming part of our many cycles? And what if we ignored what other people said we should be doing or feeling, since their cycles in overlap are very likely quite different than ours? 

Digging this translation...I had not thought of this before.

While in Galatians 5, I also noted that “gratitude” is NOT one of the fruits of the Spirit.  Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control are...but gratitude is not.

I Thessalonians 5:16-18 spells out what we should do.

Essentially being happy/grateful in your cycles, talk to God, and be thankful. A double act of gratefulness and thankfulness. 

Hm.

We already have everything we need right now to have love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. It’s simply being grateful for what we have at this moment...and talking to God about it. Then all those things will be added to you.

So thankful I see sunsets like this so often.

There’s so many things to be thankful for all around me. Let’s see how this changes things.

Eight weeks Five years

The fitness quest, and my blog, are now 5 years old.

I walked yesterday and saw this....

Five years, without any success in long term goals. 

I weigh more, I’m not healthy, and life is rough.

But.

I’m sitting up straighter. I’m not hunched.  I do listen to my body, but right now I’m in significant discomfort. My eye issue appears to actually have a working diagnosis: herpes eye disease.

80% of the population has herpes simplex virus one, which causes cold sores. I’ve had horrible cold sores since I was 13; they overtake my upper lip to my nose-growing the size of a quarter if not caught early with an anti-viral pill and cream. Now, my ophthalmologist believes my ten-year struggle with eye ulcers is actually herpes eye disease.  The virus has settled in the nerves around my eye; the first time it did I was wearing contacts. The resulting ulcer produced a weak spot on my cornea that opens up when the eye is inflamed from the nerves, which is why it responds well to steroids.

This time, being with a new optometrist who wanted to be careful, we used a less powerful steroid...which resulted in the inflammation going into overdrive.

We think.

There were 6 floral and 15 circle chairs in the ophthalmologist’s office...and I was rather concerned about their random placement.

So it’s two days later, I’m on four prescription meds (one oral, three different eye drops) and my eye is dilated all the time to keep it from moving (hoping to reduce inflammation.)

I still have a sinus headache from pressure. It comes and goes, much like my train of thought.

Which makes work difficult when you’re creating a brand new thing no one has ever done before.

My cart is the one to the left, with everyone properly seated. NOT the one to the right, in which they should be arrested.

Lately, I want to quit work.  It doesn’t help I have a job interview in two weeks.  The interview is actually a catch-22...I’ve been in so many where I’m the final two and they chose the other person.

I often want to do follow up with those companies and ask if the person they hired over me is still there. I know for a fact the job I almost got at Embry-Riddle in 2016 the other person didn’t last a year. 

What if?

I can’t change those what if’s.  I know this.

The only one I can change is the one in front of me, right now.

What if I quit?

What if I do more?

What if I stay stalled?

That’s Joe Schobert, who will be a free agent soon. I’m hoping Berry re-signs him!!!

Right now, I’m a free agent. I need help. I don’t know what to do...or do I?

Kinda like exercise.

Kinda like this quest.

Never, never, never give up.

Ok, so quitting is off the table.

We did this BEFORE everyone else, by years.

Remember you’re an innovator.

K.

But.

My head hurts and I have writers block and I don’t know what to do.

And I need help.

That part I’m sure of.

Seven Weeks of Stretching

Well, I’ve only stretched twice this week.

Monday we did this.

The weekends we aren’t typically stretching, and I like that. But Monday we had to hit the road early and yesterday I felt horrid, so I’ve only gotten in two days.

I’ve also gotten back the results of my blood tests.

The last two-three months I’ve been very fatigued. Some days more so than others, and the ongoing eye issues haven’t helped. I chalked up the tiredness to being in pain (indeed, yesterday was difficult) as my eye just hasn’t improved yet. Knowing it’s some sort of auto-immune response, my doctor ordered blood work.

Meanwhile, this cutie got his first colonoscopy, since he’s almost 52.  He figured having survived his youth he probably should start taking better care of himself.

Me on the other hand?

I did Viking hair, and this is the day after effects:)

So it turns out I’m in real true menopause, a bit earlier than I thought (mum was 55, I’m 48) and my fatigue is due to that. Suddenly the fact that certain herbal teas helped tremendously made sense; they had all been “feminine” or “immunity” blends containing the right ingredients.  While truly a relief  that I didn’t have a life-threatening disease, I was not happy with my diagnosis.

It explains the recent gain of belly fat I haven’t been able to budge. It also means it’ll be harder to lose.

What’s more? The doctor said I need to exercise more as my LDL was borderline high....the very thing that caused my grandmother’s stroke at 62.  Granted, my HDL was also very high (a very good thing, and probably quite unlike my grandmother) but proof of what I’ve always known: I’m suppose to be active.

It’s just hard to be active with asthma.  

Giuppie’s not active.

Nor is Cuda.

Lol, it’s also been cold.

Anywise, more fruits, veggies and fish...pretty much the diet we’d already started. 

As for stretching?

I pulled something on Tuesday, despite being careful to be in proper alignment. The pull hurt enough last night I didn’t sleep well, so more fatigue than usual.

Add in the fact my own Puzzles are stumping me....

A stark reminder that at least I don’t live where snow and bitter cold prevail.

Right now I’m glad I’m stretching...my posture is improving hugely.  But I’m tired, and other things are stalled.

Sigh.