The storm did not let up.
My house sold, the GMIHC Learning & Tribute Center opened and I went to rodeo with my children.
Their expressions sum up my feelings: skeptical, tired and smiling because you should.
I thought I was simply exhausted from the whirlwind of opening Ride, selling the house and opening the Center. I headed to Seattle for the Special Olympics National Games, expecting some respite.
It was cold and raining. I’m a Phoenician now, so....
Seattle was wonderful. Absolutely the best decision I’ve made this year; which was made in early May to be there early on Sunday. A leap of faith.
Because of this guy. This was his dream 20 years in the making, and I got to be there for him.
All week, I cheered on Team AZ, delighting I was getting to know our guys all the better.
My favorite picture from the week. After the Mariners game, walking back to the light rail.
The week ended with a few days of reconnecting with my man, and spending time with his best friend (and fellow coach) and his family.
Beautiful Seattle.
A surprise engagement (the groom-to-be is one of Gregg’s groomsmen....we affectionately call him our Scotch Bearer since he’s too old to bear rings...)
We soooo love many of the same things! In the underground.
And while it was a wonderful trip, full of good memories, I couldn’t shake the fact I wasn’t happy.
Happy. A joy from within that puts a smile on your face. A knowing that all is right in the world. My house had sold, and I should have been happy. Instead, I was homeless...and it bothered me. This was completely unexpected; feeling as if I was drifting. Coming home to Phoenix meant there was nowhere in Prescott to return to, no place I could be at ease. While technically the Buckeye’s home was my address, I really didn’t live there. My stuff was in boxes, and I was merely a guest. So I left, as planned earlier, for California.
Where the Princess and I enjoyed two days at Disneyland and Disney’s California Adventure, all paid for by her.
Please note where our hands are:)
Our two days of melting in the California sunshine then culminated in the two girls hitting the beach, and me helping the Buckeye’ BFF of 30+ years with a fundraiser for the Lazarex Foundation, which helps cancer patients.
The Caretaker :) She’s the female version of the Buckeye, and the Princess’s favorite new “Aunt!” We were able to surprise her with an early birthday party, too.
Two weeks after the sale of my home, she and I stayed up late looking at wedding flower ideas. While I loved helping, loved being in California and loved my newest friend, I “knew” I should be finding some happiness. So much good was happening.
But I was tired.
And hot. Good lord it’s been hot. I’ve never sweated so much as I have the last two month.
I came “home,” and my darling Buckeye bought me a house.
And I noted my weight creeping up....
And work began in earnest. Lots of work.
One of my many messes.
A chair I own in a house!!
And while all of my things were moved to the new house, it still seemed surreal. I *was* thrilled to have such a gift! I do love making the house a home. But.
I had no joy.
I pondered this a lot; shutting off my beloved talk radio and custom-built playlists. I had burst into tears frequently, and wondered if this wasn’t all a mistake. I was tired, the Buckeye was worried, the Commander was being very commanding (I was reminded of the summer she graduated. Good lord.) the Princess was torn, Manchild needed direction. The house may have sold, but all around me, my people where in chaos. My parents both took ill, and the wedding became something to stress over rather than enjoy.
One Friday the Buckeye had a nail-gun malfunction, and as I listened to his frustration while I painted the linen closet, I again quietly prayed.
And scraped paint off of a vent for an hour, because it was therapeutic.
That night we came together, and agreed we needed to get back to church. We decided to go the next night, which had been our custom for so long.
The next morning was a little lighter.
This incredible man of mine. Cut trim and installed it for hours in 110°+ heat.
The Buckeye had been feeling as if God wasn’t present; while I had simply become worn down. The sermon that night? “Little Lies: When God Seems Distant.” The opening song for worship? One of my all-time favorites, “The Stand.”
In less than one hour, we both felt refreshed.
As we ate dinner, we admitted we had been spiritually depleted. Having given and given, we had little left. My lack of happiness was because I was enpty; his frustrations were similar. We had both overextended ourselves in love to others, and while we loved doing so, we had not taken the time to refill.
Our prayer changed that night, and we committed to making the time for God.
For He had been there all along, waiting to refresh us.
Waiting for us to turn our attention to Him.
On Sunday morning, I went to Home Depot, again.
About a 1/3 needs to be returned. Really.
I did feel lighter in my soul, but I was still tired. I was baffled by 45 year old wiring, and looked forward to an evening without paint involved....but still.
The Commander was still being commanding. The Princess was still torn. Manchild was still confused. And regardless of your opinion of me, I’m still their mom.
As I thought about them, the Buckeye came to me in a rush. “I’m going to sell my house,” he declared.
I was surprised; our original plan was to rent it. As we talked, he felt more sure of it. I was pleasantly surprised. We finished up for the day, and chatted some more. He called his realtor, and we begun to make plans.
It would be one more huge thing to deal with in the weeks coming up to the wedding.
And I was thrilled.
Returning the backup wedding dress to a posh store in painting clothes...with a true smile for a change.
The heaviness lifted as the Buckeye cut away his safety net, and threw in with me.
My soul’s weariness was trifold: physically, the activity has been nonstop. Mentally I’ve hoped for the best, but suspected some soul crushing blows were afoot. Spiritually, I feel embattled. Being patient. Listening. Being kind.
It’s not easy always being kind.
As my house becomes my home, and I blend my things with his, I can sense change.
We are now 5 weeks into the remodel, and hopefully I am finish his house today to go on the market tomorrow. The blessing of the remodel has been multiple: I learned (again) that my source of strength is in God, the reasons past relationships have failed and to have a backbone. I learned that I love remodeling (even those other don’t) and could easily make this my life’s work. I learned patience does pay off, and that the peace that passes all understanding is a very real thing.
Even when your bathroom looks like this...there can be peace.
Peace, many times, is a choice. A choice to trust God, and to trust your partners around you. Peace comes when that trust is based on promises that are yea and amen, scriptures proven again and again.
As I’ve delved deeper into choosing to trust God that I am on the right path, a deep calm has enveloped me. I see glimpses of the happiness that will be my future. Soon these days of being apart will have ended, and we will be married...
Very soon if we have one of these!!!
No, I’m not happy with life when everyone around me seems to be in chaos. But I have a peace that I don’t understand, and with that I’m thoroughly blessed. These days are few...very few.
Yes.
My strength comes from Christ, and His sacrifice. It’s ok that I’m not happy-I’m also not depressed. It’s ok that I’m getting through each day-because I’m accomplishing a lot. It’s ok because I am content.
Content.
So many definitions I could identify with!!
I have a home. It’s becoming beautiful. Soon I’ll be joined here by my husband....my, that’s a word I’ve not used in three years...and have both my daughters here (and a son on weekends!). Yes, I’m content with this lot.
There’s more I wish for, and more I desire-especially for Ride-but it’s ok. At this very moment, it’s ok.
And I’ll keep trusting the Lord it will be.
