False Start

Sometimes, we jump the gun.

Thumb Butte, late afternoon, Thanksgiving Eve.

All week, I had stressed about Thanksgiving.  The King and I have not seen eye to eye for sometime; the holiday required a show of togetherness that I had no desire to fake.

So I stressed.

A lot.

This kind of stressing.

I purposely went up the steep side, daring the air monster to show up, just so I could get mad.

Couldn't find him...

I rested at my reward bench, drinking in the view and sipping from my water.  My stress had vanished in the climb, and I collected my thoughts.  It was going to be fine.

It was better than fine.

Despite our differences, we proved we could enjoy our time as a family.

So, encouraged by others, I thought I could branch out a bit, and explore other options.

On the Constellation, in jeans and boots.

It'd been awhile, and honestly I was a tad reluctant.  Thumb Butte had become a refuge, it didn't seem right switching up my trails.

Somewhat heart shaped rocks-not much of a sign.

I thought it would be fun, but in the end I was too hot, was unprepared without water, and I missed my views (the view from the Constellstion?  My work!)  I realized belatedly that I should have stuck to what was working.  I didn't like finding airplane pieces without a partner, didn't like being next to that other place of stress, my place of employment.  What I thought would work didn't...and I was disappointed in my choice.

But then there's this:

Seriously.  When I parked in the driveway!

So I'm back to what I know (ditching a hike because it's too cold) and I'm learning what I like, what I could like, and maybe what should be.

Apparently, pride in one's clean vehicle is a good thing?!

I'm learning...

Rivers and Buttes and Such

I missed a week because of this.

Another day of snow!!!

(Although this photo is from the first snow.  Just FYI.  For transparency, you know.  Like the Obama administration.  Truth.)

I suppose it was ok I missed a week, as the day before I walked all over ASU's campus for homecoming.

Viking braids at last!!

But I hated missing my new habit, and was determined to make up for it with a trek up the steep side this week.

Look at the shadows on the butte-don't they look like climbers?!

It was tough-I had an air monster episode that scared me just a bit.

My reward.

What stinks is I was to meet a friend at 5pm, so I hurriedly skipped down the butte, ever conscious of the time.  

Except they *thought* they had texted to say they were gonna be late (i.e. they wouldn't show up until after the Packers won their game.)

Needless to say, I was still thrilled.  The hike had been hard, and I had loved it.  I sang, skipped and danced my way down, much like I had done another day on the butte this summer.

For finally, it was over.

Grief has stages:  denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I find I tend to lump my stages together, and rarely (if ever) do things the way everyone else does.  My depression came with my denial, much earlier this summer.  Over the weekend, I tried to bargain away my anger.  What happened instead?  I found freedom.

Acceptance.

Coffee really does taste better in one of my mugs...but now with coffeemate and a single sweet'n'low 😊

My time machine doesn't allow travel to the future as fast as I'd like, but I'm learning to pace myself and enjoy the ride.  My fast hike up the steep side reminded me that pain can accompany a trip too quickly taken, and sometimes slow and measured is better.  

Much better.

Fitness Quest.  Learning that life's quest is more than just fitness as we traditionally think of it.  It's a process of discovery I'm finding challenging, painful and rewarding, all at once.

Excuse me.  It's time to bring my time machine out and dust it off.  This quest has just barely begun.

The Rapid Pace of a Snail

These are days to simply get through.

Beautiful Callie.

Callie's death impacted my life in ways I least suspected.  Since her memorial last week I've only managed to hang on to one new habit:  my solo Monday Thumb Butte hike.

Breathtaking as always.

This hike was different; I never before noticed it was oak trees lining the trail.

Stunning autumn.

I don't mind hiking alone, although my preference is to have a partner.  Perhaps a time of quiet reflection is healthy; I simply know my preference is to have a companion.  Always.

 At least I know where this trail goes...my life trail?  No clue.

My oldest is home for a few days, and it's so good to have all three children together.

Lad towers over his sisters!

Tonight we had dinner as a complete family; I wonder how many more of these dinners as a family of five we have ahead of us.  So many changes, so few assurances.

Holding on to hope.

Do Over

It's time to begin again.

Nicki & I near the summit of Thumb Butte.

My Fitness Quest ground to a halt; my former career was over.  My life had been turned upside down, and I didn't know what I was doing.

Until now.

I'm so easily motivated.

Time to restart a business, with a friend who partners with me.  Time to restart a quest, simply because I can.

So very true.

In the past week, I've gone from wondering how to correct a wrong path to changing the entire destination.  Horrible things have happened, and wonderful things have occurred.  Never before in my life has there been such extremes; tumultuous doesn't begin to describe the waves. 

It started last Sunday, when a thirteen year old girl committed suicide.

The California girls.

She was a good friend of my daughter's, often staying at our home.  She had the most beautiful blue eyes I'd ever seen, and now she was dead at her own hand.  I watched my baby girl bravely call her friends and share the devastating news; strangely proud as she calmly and graciously shared of their friend's passing.

This week has seen her tears and mine; last Wednesday I made the final decision to move forward.

I also got to get steampunked, which is always cause for celebration.

 Poison Ivy & I.

From top of the world to the depths of despair, my heart has seen and felt it all this past week.

So thankful for the chef's in my life.

And so today it starts again:  a new quest, a new business. Perhaps I should just call it what it is:  a new life.