Who is the Coach?

Since August 1st, I’ve attempted to do a workout every other day.

Birthdays, however, do not count.

In total, I’ve done 6 in 15 days. I’ll go later today, so I’m not too far off track.

Thank God it’s football preseason, and I finally have an NFL team.

So it’s not been easy making this a habit, given my hatred of exercise and exercise-induced asthma I’m trying to keep at bay. Add in an indulgent birthday lunch and dinner, and you might think I’d be way off track.  Especially when I really hate gyms.

Because Rejection.

It started in gym class in elementary school, and never let up. When you’re the last kid chosen, every time, it hurts your psyche.  I could run really fast for 10 seconds, but nothing beyond that. I have little natural coordination, due to my left-eye dominance but right-handedness and lack of good depth perception. Now I know my “I need a drink of water” was actually exercise-induced asthma. 

As an adult, the lack of coordination meant I failed at aerobics class, step class, and more recently, Zumba. It also meant I looked like a fool, which didn’t do wonders for anything.

Hiking, biking and swimming have always been the only sports I’ve loved, in part due to the solitary nature. So the gym, now, is hard. People are there who won’t talk to me unless they are paid to. You know some of them are judgey and they’re secretly judging you (although this point actually doesn’t bug me!) I also rarely experience “feeling better” after exercise; my body does not reward me with endorphins for my efforts.

Thankfully this is also there!!! Go Browns!!

So, I’m unfit and have excuses not to go to the gym.  But I’m going.

My third trip to the gym I begged the Buckeye to go. Begged.  Pleaded. I wanted a cheerleader, and as my husband he seemed the logical choice. He refused, clinging to his outdoor hikes. With so many things denied to him since his accident, it’s the one thing he insists on. I can’t join him due my asthma flaring hard over 100 degrees, and the dust and pollution doesn’t help.

I taped my gym ID card to my inhaler so I won’t forget it. 

So he wouldn’t go, I was poopy about it and whined a lot. I also inwardly whined a lot about church that night, as I felt the same way there that I did at the gym:

I’m supposed to go. I know it’s good for me. People there, however, are potentially judgey and judging me. No one is talking to me unless they are paid.  Just like exercise.

Our pretty little mid-century Spanish revival church. In truth, the people have been very welcoming and friendly, it’s me who has the issues. The preaching is excellent, and always thought-provoking.

Thought-provoking.  Another thing exercise and church have in common, but in this instance, a good thing.

As of late, I have been listening to podcasts or even watching YouTube videos at the gym. It takes my mind off my body struggling, and makes better use of my time. I admit, filling my head with Browns preseason stats may be questionable as a better use of my time, but at least I’m learning something new, as I’ve never followed the NFL before, and I’m still learning the Browns history. 

Apparently it’s not pretty, just like my history with exercise 😂😂

So as I struggle with exercise, and admit I struggle with church for many of the same reasons, I find I look more and more to the Buckeye as my cheerleader or coach. He knows what’s good for me, and as my partner, he’ll lead me down the right path in these two areas I struggle with, yes?

I love this clip from Facing the Giants. The coach encouraging his QB, and the resulting accomplishment is inspiring:

It actually came up in my Facebook memories this month, and I watched it wistfully, wishing the Buckeye would encourage me like the coach did.

And then I watched it again.

And listened carefully to what the coach said to Brock.

He asked if he’d already accepted defeat, before a game was played.

He then asked for his absolute best, and blindfolded him.

With his trust only in his coach, the kid set out to do his best...and did five times as much as he had done before.

And at the end, the Coach pointed out Brock wasn’t using his God-given talents by giving up before a game.

I watched it again...listening to what the Coach said...and realized that as much as I wanted the Buckeye to be my coach, that was wrong of me.

God is my head coach.

It’s really tough lately.

I’m not talking about exercise or church, I’m talking about life.  

Both the Buckeye and I are worn down, the past year taking a toll on both of us in different ways.  It’s been very hard, for many different reasons.  He’s not yet back to 100%, and yet circumstances demand more.  I’m trying my best to support him through his recovery, but my own challenges I ultimately face on my own.

Blonde highlights. No lavender, rose gold, neon orange/yellow/lime green, no forest green or sapphire hair to be seen.  Sigh.

As I face the challenges, I know I’m not strong enough. I know my body is weak and my soul is worn out. For much of this year, I was defeated before I even played the game.  I longed for a coach, a cheerleader, a partner.

“Don’t quit until you got nothing left.”

“It hurts.”

Yes, it hurts.  It’s hurt for so many years. So many years of being an optimistic that things will get better. So many years of driving only to be shut down by people and circumstances out of your control. So many years of disappointment. So much pain of being rejected, over and over.

And yet, have I given it my best?

No, I haven’t. I’ve walked around defeated since 2008, when my sister committed suicide, my best friend betrayed me and turned a church against me. It was then the King withdrew, and our downward spiral began. In this mess I tried to keep swimming, tried to rescue my children.  While I’ve seen flickers of the success I once was, I’ve walked into every game defeated. The occasional wins are hard, drawn out battles, that sap what little strength I have. To give my best would mean it might hurt more, that I might get hurt worse than I already am. People are not to be trusted, and yet I’ve long for a coach to pull along side.

What I’ve needed was already sustaining me...I just hadn’t thought to look to God as my cheerleader and coach before.

Right now, He’s calling on me to do my very best. Circumstances that trigger fear and the desire to flee are surrounding me; circumstances that I barely survived years ago. Last night I was overcome with worry after the Buckeye had fallen asleep, as I tried to stifle tears I couldn’t help but think of this death crawl scene.

I’m carrying a great weight: a good weight, one I’m proud to carry. I love my husband, my children and my business. Right now, circumstances are piled on top of all of us; it’s this extra weight that hurts.  If God is my coach, and I’m blindfolded but trusting in Him this I know:

If I fall, He’ll pick me up. I am never not safe.

But if I trust Him and dig deep, if I negotiate with my body for more strength, if I give it my very best, if I don’t quit, if I put my heart into it...where can I carry my weight to? What circumstances will be shed as I push through? What can I inspire in others? What successes are just yards away?

“God gifted you with the ability of leadership. Don’t waste it.”

I feel as if I have wasted too much. 

I once lead a team to $42 million in sales, with a product that averaged $25 in value. Ahead of me right now is a campaign I created, that I know has all the earmarks of success. I know my market, my pricing, my customer. I have spent three years investing in it. I know what to do.

“It hurts.”

All the weight of the world seems added to my shoulders, and the tears that flow too easily are proof. And yet, last night...

“I know it hurts! You keep going! You keep going!

Its all heart from here!

Thrity more steps! You keep going!

Come on! Keep going!”

Me: It burns!

“Let it burn! Its all heart! You keep going! Come on! Come on! Keep going! You promise me your best! Your best! Don’t stop! Keep going!”

Me: Too hard!

“Its not too hard! You keep going! Come on!

Give me more! Give me more! Keep going!

Twenty more steps! Twenty more steps!

Keep going, give me your best!

Don’t quit! No!

Keep going! Keep going! Keep going!

Don’t quit! Don’t quit! Don’t quit!

You don’t quit!”

I’m not in the end zone yet.  My weight is still upon me.  But last night I heard my coach, and I was reminded to cast my cares on Him.  I was reminded that His Grace is sufficient for me. I was reminded that Love never fails. I was reminded I can chose to be patience, kind and long suffering.  I was reminded I haven’t given my best in a very long time...and perhaps it was time to put on a blindfold and give my best, knowing God was my coach, my cheerleader, and the one who held me in safety.

My Buckeye.  I am blessed beyond measure to have him by my side. 

Yesterday I did go to the gym, for my seventh workout in fifteen days.  The Buckeye went with me, and took up on the treadmill next to me. I was delighted to see that without consulting one another, our speed and incline rates were the same; truly we are a well-matched team.  He conceded that the workout in air conditioning was pleasant, and recanted on his earlier declarations that he wouldn’t work out with me there.  It seems my leadership in going every other day has inspired him to be better as well....

My heart is so full of love for him ❤️


My crawl is far from over, and I don’t know where the end zone is. I hadn’t been giving it my best; I’d just tried to survive. I’m seeing now that I have a choice: it’s my choice to listen to my coach whom I’ve ignored due to my leeriness of people in the church. It’s my choice to build myself up spiritually, as I’ve started to do with my body. It’s my choice to overcome my past failures to succeed with new adventures today.  No, I’m not at the end zone. But my inability to move must end or I’ll never make it.  Yes, my spirit is unfit, just like my body. I have excuses not to go to church and not to study God’s word, but that doesn’t matter. Like my body, I need to start conditioning my spirit and soul...whether people reject me or not. Now that I can hear my coach over all of the din, something has changed.

Yes, it still hurts. Yes, it’s too much.

Just don’t quit.

Sent to me at exactly the right moment by a friend-my coach works through people, too. 

This time, I’m determined to give my best. I’m trusting God the well-timed help will come just when I need it. But for now-I need to do what I know to do.

Not quit.

Taking Control

Patience is not my forte.

Fitness Quest:  Keeping it real.  This is how you look stressed when you don’t get in a hike.

Why was I so I stressed??  Well, let’s start with the fact I got divorced almost three years ago, and the house I shared with my ex I still live in...with my ex, and my parents.  It’s been for sale that entire time...and I’ve depleted all of my reserves.

Because I’m also an entrepreneur, who is starting a business no one has ever started before.

It’s not in the palm of my hand...yet!!

And while I LOVE my business, it’s stressful when things take much longer than planned, and repair bills are insane.

But we are getting there!  It IS happening and it is actually very good!!  I just have to be patient through the process...

Add in I’m a curator, too...

I was pleased with this...but June’s project is much larger.

And the fact my fiancé lives 100 miles away...

An I-17 traffic jam due to a brush fire.

And tearful mornings in the office, over a silly incident suddenly become earth shattering moments you can’t seem to recover from.  A house sale would change everything, yet I could not control that.  Everything, it seemed, was hinged on that event.  It was keeping the Buckeye and I physically apart, and entangled me still with my ex, the King.  With the mounting work I’d missed my hikes, but at least was eating better.  Sleep, however, was fleeting-I knew I had bills I could not pay...including the mortgage.

I’ve never not paid a bill before.  Ever.

As the house sat, bills mounted and repairs kept coming...I felt myself struggling and reminded myself faith was a choice.  Doubting was a choice.  Unforgiveness was a choice. I had been chiding the Buckeye with the fact that in the Bible, Mark said your prayers would go unanswered if you had unforgiveness, James said you’d receive nothing if you doubted, and Paul made it clear faith without action was dead.  While with Ride and my curatorship I knew that I knew I was on the right track, I had faith in my abilities and those helping, I had none of that confidence with the sale of the house.  Tied into that? A wedding date-not to be set until the house sold.  My future, quite literally, was held hostage by an event I could not take control of.

While all this was occurring, my father fell and broke his back.  My mother was told an old diagnosis was trying to creep back on her.  The Commander needed immediate help to move, and I took home her cat, Thor.

Who may have hissed and clawed at everyone and everything for several days, before remembering his Grama loved him.

I was being pulled everyway, and had a choice:  I could trust God, or trust my own abilities.  That day I sat crying in the office, I decided again to pray.  I spent the drive to back to Prescott mulling over the fact the only out was one God had to reveal; reminding myself He could do superabundantly far over and above my hopes and dreams.  Visiting my father in the hospital later that week, I was reminded of how life can change in an instant; driving back to Phoenix I decided that was the day I would ask for the removal of the millstone from my neck. I decided I would ask the Buckeye to set a wedding date, despite the house not being sold.

The prior weeks had been very difficult for the Buckeye and I; we knew now, more than ever, we were meant to be together and not apart.  Earlier that week he had admitted to also being in a crisis concerning his faith; my lifelong habit of no empathy rose quickly to the surface, mixed with indignant anger.  Everything in his life was fine!!!  He was merely waiting for my house to sell; it wasn’t his credit, his business, his bills that needed paid.  His faith was in crisis?? What about mine??!!?

At that moment when I thought for a second I should take off my ring and send him a picture with the words “when you figure it out, call me” a thunderous wave of compassion and empathy poured over me.  In a microsecond my anger was replaced with love, understanding his perspective.  My partner was stumbling alongside of me, sharing my burden by carrying it, too.  Would I push him down, or stop and steady is both?

Oh, the revelation in that!  How often do we not see that our partner is struggling because they are helping to carry our weight?  How many times in the past had I lashed out at the one helping me?  Instead of chastising the Buckeye again, I instead asked him to help me remove the weight that had been holding us down.  I asked him to set a wedding date, with no offer on the house.

It was a long talk, a well-discussed decision.  When decided, however, there was no immediate joy.  I posted it on Facebook and received almost 200 likes/loves/wows and it still didn’t seem right.  Later that day we did hear some positive feedback from our open house, but that’s nothing new.  Daring to hope, daring to take action and walk in faith can be hard...dark even.  

The days that followed I often woke up in a cold sweat.  The bills were huge, and there was no income. I needed to hike, but often returned home too late.  Interestingly though, my night shakes had stopped...and I resolved to not let our decision be just lip service.  So I put one foot in front of another...and took action.  With bittersweet memories flooding my heart, I readied Red Ride for sale.  She was my first cart, but as an electric, she never could give me the time I needed from her.  A dear friend offered to get her to Phoenix, and I said goodbye to the old girl.

Our first tip on Ride, in 2016.

We sold her the first day, at full asking price.

The relief that poured over me cannot be described; the old girl would be missed but had found a good home.  Repair bills and Ride business bills could be paid for another month, and I breathed a huge sigh of relief.  We had a house showing scheduled as well; a result of the open house.  Again, I took steps forward,  and resumed planning the wedding.

The Princess, rather maturely saying whatever bridesmaids’ dress I chose would be fine.  The Commander vetoed this choice immediately!

I decided to trust God, and enjoy these days...

And had an outstanding Memorial Day weekend with my incredibly handsome fiancé.

Who may have loved the fact I’m a Trekkie:)

The utter joy of being Us.  It was the best weekend we’d had together in months.

None of our circumstances had changed.  I still had bills, repairs and an unsold house.  He still had a fiancée entangled with her ex.  What had changed?  Our decision to trust God fully.  We set the date, confident that the house would be sold before September 8th.  Our joy came from God, and once again, our relationship was easy.  

The laughter when we are together is endless!!  This trip to WalMart saw many disapproving glances from others-it was soooooo much fun!!

What’s more?  We had unexpected blessings, too.  A visit with one of his old friends quickly formed into a new friendship for me, and the Buckeye had a chance meeting with another retired Marine.

This gentleman fought in the Battle of Chosin Reservoir, one of the three most iconic battles in Marine Corp history.  My Buckeye was honored to meet him and listened to his stories for hours.

Me?  Well, anytime I get to be a Federation Officer it’s a good day:)

I’m a captain.  I have a starship.  Really.

So despite the circumstances, or should I say inspite of our circumstances, we found utter joy in each other again.  That, I fully believe, is because we chose to believe God and have faith, rather than give in.  Is it any surprise then, that one week after we announced our wedding date, we received an excellent offer on the house?

It was late Monday night when it came in, and the Buckeye had been up for 17hrs at this point!!  The champagne I had won a few days prior at a Chamber event:)

Inspections have been done, we are confident the sale will go through.  And yet...

Ohhhhhh, yesterday was HARD.

I found myself crying, knowing a hike could fix things but having no gumption to go.  I knew I could pray but I didn’t.  I wanted resolution now, not in 27 days.

It’s like a race when you finally see the finish line, but every drop of energy in you drains away, and you doubt you can complete it.

The cause of my sudden worry, when all was going so well?  I did my bills, and there’s not enough with the newest round of repairs and business needs.

I made my bed yesterday morning...and after a day that didn’t go as planned, returned home to find I had done one thing right that day.  I had made my bed!!

Faith is a daily choice.  Action is a daily choice.  Some days, you may struggle with it.  Somedays are easy, and somedays are hard.  Yesterday I let doubt creep in, and I was miserable.  Nothing changed, and I worried it might never change-despite the fact the inspections went well with the house, and Ride is going well.  Taking control isn’t just one decision-it’s a series of actions combined with daily choices.  It’s looking for the best options when things seem overwhelming.

In truth, it’s for ALL OF US.

My former pastor’s wife shared this last night; she’s quoting several scriptures in this declaration.  It was an instant reminder to me that while physically I was alone last night, I’m never alone with the Lord on my side.

My daughter, the Princess, commented the other day that she wondered how people made it through life without the comforting peace of a relationship of Christ.  The pure joy of knowing you had a champion behind you, a source of help in time of trouble.  No, God doesn’t magically snap His fingers and make things happen.  I tell my children that their relationship with God is about being a better person themselves-that when we seek God, His direction helps us make better choices and decisions.  The last six months as we’ve waited for a sale I’ve seen my faith grow and expand in ways I never though imagineable, as every month the money has come in for every bill (so why I was worried yesterday??? With six months of proof God provides?  Sigh!!! Tired, I suppose?!) The Buckeye and I have seen our relationship tested and pulled at, and yet we are more in love now than before.  The confidence that gives each of us going into this third marriage is huge-and we’ve grown closer while apart.  Last night we laughed as two of my kids were at his house and only one at nine; the love they have for him has grown.  

In 100 days we wed:)

When we got home after the inspection, we found this on the counter:

It’s from the buyers.

The Buckeye’s mom said we should hang this in our new home together!

As I look back...I see growth.  I see impatience and fear.  I see resolve, determination and creative courage.  I see amazing faith, and strengthening bonds.  I see challenges, doubts and hurts.  Nope, we aren’t perfect. But with God, we are truly seeing that all things are possible when we take control of our own behavior.  It’s not let go and let God, it’s more get ahold of yourself and do it God’s way.  Our choices dictate our future, for better or for worse.

For richer or for poorer.

In sickness and in health.

It’s all a choice we make.  I resolve to be more patient as I control my choices in the future...and not to give in to doubt and fear.  To make better choices about food and exercise, knowing it helps release tension.  To take control when I can, and release control when I should.  Walking by faith is a daily choice...and I am delighted to traverse it’s path.  For truly, when I walk by faith and not by sight, everything lines up just as it should be.  Delighted to have the Buckeye walking beside me, and the prize finally being in sight.

It’s time to start packing😊